There is no such genre as the baby movie. Just because one film happens to feature an infant, it’s not automatically lumped in with every other film with a baby in it. If Netflix suggested that you watch Rosemary’s Baby on the basis that you enjoyed Look Who’s Talking Too, you’d cancel your subscription and write an angry letter.
Or take The Boss Baby. It’s great for people who like films about corporations that churn out a never-ending torrent of mass-produced babies to compensate for humanity’s lack of sexual activity, and some of these infants drink potions that allow them to remain tiny until well into middle age. But it might not be for everyone. If that’s the case, you’ll probably find the baby film for you below…
If you think babies know more than they are saying: Look Who’s Talking, 1989
It’s human nature to wonder what babies are thinking. But, if you lack the imagination, Look Who’s Talking can take at least some of the strain. And, in case you’re wondering, it turns out that babies mainly think in a hoo-boy wiseguy stream of sub-Moonlighting blue collar one-liner consciousness.
If you’re about to become a parent, and you’re not ready: Eraserhead, 1977
It’s important, when you’re on the cusp of parenthood, to know that billions of people have experienced all your exact anxieties before. Why, just look at the protagonist from David Lynch’s Eraserhead. He’s terrified. Admittedly this is because his baby is a writhing snake-alien and he lives in a world of relentlessly foreboding industrial screeching. But, hey, if he can make a fist of it, so can you.
If you’ve just become a parent and you’re still not ready: Rosemary’s Baby, 1968
Although becoming a parent can be scary and overwhelming at first, know that you’ll come round to it in the end. Look at the final scene of Rosemary’s Baby, for example. Those people love that kid, almost to the point of worship. Even its own mother is won over by that little miracle of life in the end. Whenever in doubt, you should always remember Rosemary’s Baby’s happy ending.
If you’re slightly too invested in the idea of babies as symbols of universal peace: 2001: A Space Odyssey, 1968
My guess is that you buy all your music from garden centres, and you don’t own a T-shirt that doesn’t have a wolf on it. You also believe that babies represent total serenity, and you’re enchanted by the starchild at the end of 2001, gazing on the majesty of the universe in a state of placid wonder. I mean, sure, if it was a real baby then it’d be screaming and crying and soiling itself as aggressively as it possibly could, but let’s not split hairs.
If you see the humour in mistaking a newborn baby for a package of heroin: Three Men and a Baby, 1987
Babies, right? They’re hilarious, especially if you’re just a stupid man and you don’t know how they work. In fact, you’ve probably accidentally handed your baby to a drug dealer because you mistakenly thought it was a large quantity of a Class A drug, haven’t you? Better yet, you probably did it as part of a tonally jarring subplot to a frothy romcom that has Waiting for a Star to Fall on the soundtrack, too.
If you’ve harboured dreams of becoming a mumtrepreneur: Baby Boom, 1987
With half of pregnant employees experiencing some form of discrimination at work, it seems only natural to want to go it alone once you become a mother. Why not start knitting and distributing baby hats, or launching some sort of loosely defined, mum-based consultation firm? Or why not, as Diane Keaton does in Baby Boom, move to the countryside, mash up some apples and then fend off multi-million dollar acquisitions from multinational food conglomerates who have apparently never seen mashed-up apples before?
If you think real babies are too complicated: American Sniper, 2014
Sure, you understand why people love babies, and you want people to think that you’ve got a baby of your own, but you’re too tired and busy to commit to the real thing. What can you do? Why not take the approach of Sienna Miller in Clint Eastwood’s American Sniper and just cart around what is clearly a pound-store plastic doll instead? Nobody will notice, except for everyone.
If you wish Bill Murray was your father figure: Ghostbusters II, 1989
What a great substitute father Bill Murray would be. True, his parenting skills are motivated purely by a desire to have it off with your mother Sigourney Weaver, and once he’s had his way with her, chances are he’ll abandon you again, creating even more profound abandonment issues than you already have. But at least you’ll always have the moment where he jabs his finger in your face and says: “You’re short, your belly button sticks out too far, and you’re a terrible burden on your poor mother.”
If you own a tea towel embroidered with the phrase ‘It takes a Village’: Jack and Sarah, 1995
Raising a baby is hard, especially when the baby’s mother died during childbirth and you instantly and inexplicably become several times more attractive to women as a result. You’re going to need help wherever you can get it. Let Richard E Grant’s film Jack and Sarah show you where to look. Why not try asking the child’s grandparents for assistance? Or that drunk old homeless man down the road? What about the woman you’ve very quickly fallen in love with, almost exclusively because she seems quite good with your kid? See? Easy.
If you essentially view babies as smaller versions of Road Runner: Baby’s Day Out, 1994
It can be hard to keep track of the socialite baby you’ve just abducted, even though babies are small and immobile and you’re a career criminal with an adult brain and working limbs. Baby’s Day Out teaches us this lesson, thanks to the blundering efforts of Joe Mantegna, Brian Haley and Joe Pantoliano. Oh, the scrapes you’ll get into as your simple task escalates from grabbing a baby and putting it in a pram to trying to rescue it from a captive gorilla. The lesson here: abducting babies is harder than it looks, and not recommended.
If you’re a new parent clearing up at the end of the day: Honey, I Blew Up the Kid, 1992
The worst part of any parent’s day is the moment when you’ve finally put your child to sleep, only to face the wasteland of a living room that they ruined during the day. One way to cope with this is to pretend that you turned your baby into a giant during a botched science experiment, although that would also force you to pretend that you’re a terrible parent and you deserve to go to prison for your atrocities against nature. The other is to just watch Honey, I Blew Up the Kid instead.
If you’ve just been seated next to a baby on a long-haul flight: It’s Alive, 1974
After spending eight hours pinned to the interior wall of an aeroplane by a screaming brat who stinks of faeces and won’t let you listen to your carefully curated podcast selection, you have two choices. You can understand that babies are people too, and that it’s only natural for them to find the flying experience stressful. Or you can watch a badly constructed horror film about a mutant baby that ends up being hunted by a band of angry locals. Your call. Whatever gives you the release you need.
