FRESH OFF THE BOAT
Arsenal entertain Manchester City on Thursday night in a repeat of last Sunday’s Littlewoods Cup final slaughter, but with three Premier League points up for grabs instead of a shiny three-handled trophy sponsored by a Thai energy drink manufacturer named after a Philippino water buffalo. At the time of writing, the game looks likely to go ahead despite heavy snow in That There Big London and everywhere else. Arctic conditions, it should be noted, that didn’t prevent The Fiver from battling its way from Dublin to London yesterday after a speaking engagement with some of its colleagues in the Irish capital, which is also frozen solid. Have that Arsenal! In your face, City.
In a gruelling Scott of the Antarctic-esque ordeal involving …
- One cancelled flight.
- A cross-city dash to an Irish ferry terminal.
- A five-hour voyage to Wales during which The Fiver’s Z-list celebrity colleague was repeatedly badgered by a drunken Nottingham Forest fan who recognised him off the telly.
- A one-hour wait for the wind to tie down outside Holyhead.
- A five-and-half-hour drive in a Vauxhall Astra saloon hire car stuffed with five grown men bickering over leg-room, Neighbours and which of them was the most useful and useless in a crisis.
- A 1.30am stop at Stafford services.
- A debate about why on earth anyone thought it was a good idea to waste money building a water-feature just outside the entrance to Stafford services.
- The consumption of many Wine Gums, strawberry Bon-Bons and Bulls Eyes.
- Some terrible in-car DJing by a certain senior Guardian sportswriter with a fetish for badger-related similes.
- A weird conversation about the anatomy of cats (tune in to the Football Weekly podcast for further details).
…. these grown men unwittingly formed an unbreakable us-against-the-elements-and-indeed-the-world bond of a similar type we expect City’s players to forge en route to the Emirates. Be afraid, Arsenal fans. Be very and even more afraid.
Of course, in the very unlikely event that Arsenal’s players can rouse themselves to show a similar kind of gumption and can-do spirit, they are likely to do so before one of the lowest Emirates crowds in living memory, due to a mixture of many fans being unable to make the game due to the inclemency of the weather and many more who are able to make the game despite the weather, but just can’t be bothered going because … well, what’s the point and anyway it’s on the telly? Defeat for supine Arsenal will leave them 10 points off the top four and out of the Big Cup places for yet another season. Like the considerably braver Capt Lawrence Oates, who famously walked out into a blizzard, they may be gone some time.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Simon Burnton for hot MBM coverage of Arsenal 1-2 Manchester City from 7.45pm GMT.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I don’t want to go down the rugby route – that’s a nightmare. Football’s a fast-flowing game … I don’t want too much interruption. I also think controversy is part of the game, it always will be and it will be with this system. But the little interface we’ve had with it since it’s come in, I’ve become less and less enamoured” – Stoke chairman Peter Coates adds to the growing reservations towards VAR before next month’s Premier League vote, after another shambolic outing for it at Wembley.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Get your ears around Football Weekly Extraaaaaaaa, with Max Rushden, Barry Glendenning, Philippe Auclair and Elis James. It’ll be decent.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Arsène Wenger’s not the only one amazed that he’s still around having to answer those questions (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs)” – Patrick O’Brien.
“Re: yesterday’s headline: I got it! Wild Rover. No Nay Never. Neymar. Just letting you know that: a) people still read The Fiver (well, ‘consume’, not exactly ‘read’); b) they understand the attempt at humour; but c) they don’t laugh; and d) they feel quite sorry for you; and e) would probably get into a fight on your behalf; now [Snip – Fiver Bad Word Ed] ” – Joe Lowry.
“Skint Pat’s eBay collection of Nasty Leeds jerseys (yesterday’s Fiver letters) is fantastic. I’ve placed a few bids to help him out and pay his carpenter. But how much work did they do? Most of the shirts are priced at only one or two quid apiece. Sounds like a pretty small (or poorly done) job” – Mike Wilner.
“I note that Skint Pat was wearing an XL in 1996, but was down to a small in 1999. Can you ask him what his secret is? My Le Coq Sportif Tottenham shirt from the 1981 final was a medium, whereas a small family could camp in my Milk Cup final shirt from 2015” – Paul O’Brien.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Paul O’Brien.
THE RECAP
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BITS AND BOBS
PSG’s Neymar looks like he’ll now be knacked for the rest of the season, but back in time for the World Cup. “Neymar is sad, but understands that he has no alternative now,” tooted Brazil’s team doctor Rodrigo Lasmar.
New TV deal + more seats = Liverpool profits.
Lucy Bronze reckons England can serve notice of their World Cup aspirations at the SheBelieves Cup, kicking off against France later on Thursday. “People are little bit scared of playing England now,” she roared.
Swindon Town manager David Flitcroft has walked out to take charge at Mansfield. “We are extremely disappointed at the timing of this with the club currently lying in a play-off position,” fumed a Swindon statement.
Meanwhile, former Stags boss and new Peterborough United gaffer Steve Evans is settling in quietly. “I tell you this much, if we make the play-offs we will win them,” he parped. “If we don’t get up then some ‘Steve Evans-type’ players will be coming here in the summer.”
And Cédric Bakambu’s protracted transfer from Villarreal to Beijing Guoan is finally in the can. “It was not an easy decision for me to make,” he trousered.
STILL WANT MORE?
Who’s staying up? Who’s heading down? Our writers on the Premier League survival squabble.
Former Barcelona, Sporting Gijón and Spain striker Quini died on Tuesday. Sid Lowe tells the remarkable story of his kidnapping in 1981 – a tale of ransom and forgiveness.
Sid’s been busy, as he also reports on the European dreams of La Liga’s great overachieving trio.
LA Galaxy, once the glamour team of MLS, are at risk of being eclipsed as a new team arrives in town, writes Graham Parker.
The magic of Aleksandr Mostovoi features in this week’s Classic YouTube.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
