Facial excellence
The question here isn’t how good Evil Dead star Bruce’s chin is – it is inarguably very, very fine – but rather where his chin stands in the rankings re: all-time best chins.
So who are his rivals? We’re talking your Desperate Dans. Your Judge Dredds. Your Bruce Forsyths. And Campbell trumps two of those by default because they are are fictional. Dredd and Dan’s chins are more bulbous than Campbell’s, sure, but they’re also drawn by a person, and you can draw anything you want. I could draw myself a million pounds and a full head of hair but I’m still borrowing £3 to get the tube home because I spaffed all my money on Regain.
So it’s a battle of the Bruces. Forsyth and Campbell. I have respect for both. I’m at stalemate in fact. So I’m going to have to do something I’ve never done before in the entire history of Review Anything: I’m going to leave the decision to my mum. My mum thinks “Bruce Forsyth is a dick”. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know who Bruce Campbell is either, because she’d rather stick a lit sparkler in her eye than watch a film called “The Evil Dead”. So Bruce Campbell’s chin wins by a landslide. Cheers mum.
10/10.
LH
Ethical socks (?)
Or – *pauses to allow tiny bit of sick to settle back in stomach* – “moral fibres”. Yeah, you didn’t know that the socks you were wearing were immoral, did you? Still, that’s all going to change, right? With Christmas on the way, it’s time to let bamboo socks into your life.
That’s right. Bamboo has natural anti-bacterial and anti-fungal properties (it says here) to keep feet healthy and hygienic. And, at a mere £9.99… no, wait, this is all wrong. What about the damn pandas? Won’t someone please think of the pandas? These implausibly lazy and inept beasts struggle to keep themselves alive, even without their preferred food source being annexed by the worldwide hosiery industry. A massive pile of dead pandas? That’s no kind of image to be introducing into the delights of Christmas morning. Especially not at a tenner a pop. BAN ETHICAL SOCKS NOW!
2/10.
PH
Rectangular capitalist peacockery
The place occupied by the business card in the moral sphere was most comprehensively examined by American Psycho, in which Patrick Bateman and friends’ little bits of paper with their names typed on them acted as a symbol of the brutal ego-driven capitalist agenda.
But if, in the late 80s, the cards stood for identity crushed into shape by the demands of business, nowadays – being an almost completely defunct facet of modern life – they basically represent the opposite: gentle eccentricity allowed to meander freely amongst your personal space. The only reason you’d encounter a business card in a post-social media world would be via genuine ludditery or studied hipsterish ludditery.
Either way, these days. the business card spends its days harking back to the pastoral idyll of planet Earth in the latter half of the 20th century, which is also a pretty evil thing to do considering we’re already on the highway to completely roboticised hell.
0/10.
RA
More ethical footwear
The shoe: Without the luxury of holding, wearing, sniffing or admiring the shoe from a variety of intrusive angles, reviewing it is difficult. But you asked, and I’m a pro, so let’s try.
Firstly, the shoe looks awful, like a child’s tried to reproduce a Merrell loafer they found in a bin. It’s also the shade of green that’s found exclusively under the fingernails of model train and classic car enthusiasts. The cream shock down the east and west flanks – racing stripes, perhaps? Doubtful, as the shoe’s main ingredient, and the image emblazoned across the tongue, is cannabis, a plant not often associated with rapid movement of any kind. This shoe is crap. It is a crap shoe.
The picture: You show a real flair for framing and perspective in this shot’s depth, its murky shadows, the shoes seemingly cascading from the heavens in a waterfall of bad shoes. Where does one appalling shoe end and the next begin? Where does consciousness end? Or society? And why? It evokes notes of MC Escher’s endless staircases; the perennial, sliding shark’s tooth nature of an individual’s inherent replaceability amid life’s false notions of individuality.
That’s all made up by the way. It’s all nonsense. I know nothing about art. Winged it. Being an art critic is literally the easiest job ever.
The shoe: 2/10.
The picture: 8/10.
Being an art critic: 10/10.
LH
