Michael Gove has surprised the nation with a demand for Britain to be more patriotic about cheese. Asked about the prospect of imported cheese prices rising by 40% if the UK crashed out of the EU without a deal, the environment secretary and Brexiter suggested we could focus more on the cheese we produce ourselves.
“I am deeply concerned about your unpatriotic attitude towards cheese,” Gove told the Labour MP Angela Smith at the environment, food and rural affairs committee in parliament.
“If it is the case that we end up on WTO terms then I’m sure that British farmers and British food producers will find the opportunity to meet demand in this and other areas.”
To help you feel more pride in British cheese, here are 12 varieties ranked in reverse order of patriotism.
Cornish Brie
There’s no mistaking the fact that Cornish Brie is named after a French cheese and is therefore not very patriotic at all. Unless you are eating it specifically to spite the French, in which case it scores highly on the “Up yours Delors” scale.
Patriotism rating: 1/10
Yorkshire Fine Fettle
This sounds like a good old Yorkshire cheese, but it was formerly called Yorkshire Feta, until that was outlawed because of the rules about geographic naming restrictions. A potential alternative for anyone who has ever found themselves buying Own Brand Bulgarian Salted Cheese from a corner shop in an emergency.
Patriotism rating: 2/10
Dunlop cheese
This sounds quite patriotic, what with John Boyd Dunlop founding the famous tyre manufacturer in Birmingham back in Queen Victoria’s time, but Dunlop is a deceptively multi-national company now, and the cheese disappointingly doesn’t even contain any rubber. And the cheese is made in Scotland - it apparently goes nicely with a dram of whisky.
Patriotism rating: 2/10
Blue Monday
Can it get more patriotically Britpop than Alex James from Blur naming a cheese after his favourite New Order song? May cause indigestion though if you aren’t a fan of the New Labour Cool Britannia years.
Patriotism rating: 4/10
Lincolnshire Poacher
Described as “a cross between a traditional west-country cheddar and a continental alpine cheese such as Comte”, Lincolnshire Poacher has been produced on a family-run farm since 1992, and it takes over a year to mature. Not to be confused with the mysterious numbers station of the same name.
Patriotism rating: 6/10 - including bonus points for cold war spying connotations
Teviotdale
Teviotdale has to be produced within 90km of the summit of Peel Fell in the Cheviot hills, making it one of the UK’s niche cheeses. It may only appeal to Scottish patriots though, since according to the official government definition of the protected name, the emblem on the Teviotdale label “depicts the Hawick Cornet carrying a banner captured from English raiders at Hornshale after the battle of Flodden in 1514”.
Patriotism rating: 8/10 in Scotland, not so much in England
Red Windsor
What could be more patriotic than a cheese named after the royal family?
Patriotism rating: Ma’am out of 10
Wyfe of Bath
Described as a “Gouda-style English cheese”, which makes it sound a little Dutch, this cheese nevertheless scores very highly on the British patriotism scale by being named after one of Chaucer’s pilgrims. It would have scored slightly higher if it had been named after one of the Canterbury Tales with the really rude bits in.
Patriotism rating: 8/10
Red Leicester
The “red” might make it sound a bit communist, but Red Leicester gets its name because of the annatto dye added to it. Rules and regulations governing the sale and quality of the cheese date back to the 1750s, making it a classic British original.
Patriotism rating: 9/10
Wensleydale
A cheese that has set a stunning example for the British export industry by inspiring the taste of the cheese on the moon, according to Wallace and Gromit at least.
Patriotism rating: Out of this world
Stilton
Only six dairies in the country are licensed to make cheese that can be officially designated Stilton, which curiously excludes the village of Stilton itself, from which the cheese is said to have derived its name. Known as “the king of cheeses”, there is only one cheese more British ...
Patriotism rating: 9.5/10
Cheddar
... and that cheese is Cheddar. It was officially declared Britain’s favourite cheese in 2015, and as a nation we consume mountains of the stuff. So much so that we can’t make enough and Britain imports around 10,000 tonnes a month.
To make a great vintage mature cheddar though, over a year’s worth of hanging around is required while the flavour develops. Given the way the Brexit negotiations are going, producers may have to start making their cheese without knowing the rules they’ll be selling it under.
Patriotism rating: 10/10 Gawd bless it
