SPQR (So, plot … quick recap)
Ania and Phelan continue their peculiar sitcom marriage of convenience. Aulus unleashes hell on Kerra by proxy, allowing Antedia’s army to lay siege to the Cantii citadel. And Cait prepares herself for whatever it is she, as the chosen one, is expected to do to fulfil the prophecy. Even though we now know said prophecy was written by a mad, 10,000-year-old, bony fella with questionable nail piercings. Cait bids farewell to her dad, who inexplicably decides to go wandering off into the woods rather than stay in the relative safety of the village.
A caption informs us that “four moons later” winter has set in and everyone’s got slightly longer hair. A light frost dusts the ground as the Regni huddle round fires and roast delicious-looking meats. “My burning need for vengeance keeps me toasty,” says Antedia to her nutless son as they wait it out in a camp just beyond the enemy citadel. Meanwhile, the Cantii note pointedly that they’ve got enough grain for three months’ more of this interminable waiting. They don’t seem interested in fighting their way out.
‘Who has not heard of Hella, the Irish raven?’
At the Roman camp, Aulus has assembled a band of ruthless criminals to track down Cait and destroy her before she has a chance to fulfil the prophecy. In some horribly clunky exposition we are told who they all are. “And who has not heard of Hella, the Irish raven?” says one of Aulus’s allies, helpfully introducing the new characters. She turns out to be a badass who lays waste to all the other brigands, so she can claim Cait’s head and the prize for herself. Aulus promises the winner the protection of the emperor himself. The Irish raven doesn’t need anyone’s protection but seems keen, nevertheless.
Lucius and Aulus argue about his apparent adherence to all this mumbo-jumbo. Lucius says a pixie didn’t make him blind Cait’s dad, it was his own decision. “I could have cut his tongue out,” he growls. “But you didn’t,” repeats Aulus, like a 7-year-old baiting his little sister. Their fractious relationship hits the buffers tonight with Lucius’s attempt on his general’s life and subsequent flight from camp.
Meanwhile, Veran’s pierced fingers toy with a miniature noose. But who is it for? We later discover it’s for Cait, as the poor whelp loses hope and decides to hang herself from a tree. Aulus and Lucius (he hasn’t tried to stab him at this point) promise Antedia a Roman army of 20,000 is on its way but she decides to play it safe and sends a signal to Lindon (her spy). The next thing you know, he’s torching the Cantii’s remaining grain supply, but poisonous Amena sees him sneaking out by the back door.
‘It’s like trying to teach a tree’
Brutus and Philo are now fully Cheech and Chong, sporting amusing hippy wigs. They have been permanently stoned for four months. When Cait loses confidence after failing to mesmerise a group of soldiers in the woods, Divis blows his stack at her and storms off. “You couldn’t charm a fucking cat,” he spits, adding needlessly, “It’s like trying to teach a tree.”
“Loka, in his rage, releases three hell hounds to track down the chosen one,” says Divis encouragingly to the terrified chosen one, also admitting that he doesn’t know how the prophecy ends. She is wide-eyed with disbelief. He could have mentioned this earlier.
Flames engulf the Cantii larder as Kerra watches helplessly. Antedia sees the smoke on the horizon and whispers, “Rumbly tums. Rumbly tums,” smugly to herself. This all seems like a very roundabout way of conquering your enemy when there is a secret route into the citadel right there and Lindon could just show their soldiers the way in. “Take me to the underworld,” says a despondent Cait to Divis before drawing a dagger, cutting the hem off her dress and forming a noose with it. Divis stalks off to deliberate with himself in a clearing and is ambushed by Hella who stabs him and leaves him for dead in the water. Cait hangs herself. (Cheerful episode this week.) As the last throes of life apparently twitch out of her body, the Irish raven sees she is too late to kill the girl herself. I expect this means that Cait and Divis have gone to the underworld together and, because there’s still one episode to go, they’ll find a way to come back next week. So it is written.
Notes from the end of the woad
- I enjoyed Antedia’s prediction that the Cantii would eventually run out of grain and have to resort to “the old shoe soup”. Did a proper laugh at that.
- It is so unbelievably unlikely that Aulus would have let Lucius go after the prefectus tried to murder him in his bed.
- Hella is marvellous fun but appears to have no back story at all apart from “likes killing”.
- Will Brenna, goddess of war, put down the mung beans and actually wage some war next week? I do hope so.
- If Antedia and Kerra finally come face-to-face next week that’ll be something to look forward to. But mutually assured destruction won’t be a satisfying ending for either of their stories.
