SPQR (So, plot … quick recap)
Cait’s “very important journey” appeared to come to an abrupt end last week as we left her dangling from a tree. Divis was also last seen floating face down in the river, full of stab-holes. Aulus is set against Kerra and her tribe who now stand on the brink of war with the Regni. And they haven’t had any dinner. And we are reminded of Veran’s, “The gods don’t deal, Rome. The gods don’t deal”, in case we weren’t sure who is really running this show.
The Irish raven, Hella, must have got to Cait just in time because the youngster is lying on the ground tied-up while Hella sits nearby, eating. “I’m death,” Hella tells her before loading Cait on to her horse and galloping off, we presume to Aulus to collect her reward.
Vitus gets promotion to prefectus since the precipitous flight of Lucius last week. Antedia is disappointed to see “pretty boy” not attending their negotiations and had obviously planned to “seal the deal” with him once their talks were complete.
Aulus takes Antedia to the crest of the hill and shows her the size of his legion. Even she looks mildly impressed, saying, “It’ll do”, the trace of a smile playing on her blue lips. “I’d love to see copper-knob’s face now,” she grins. Copper-knob is indeed troubled by the sight of thousands of soldiers approaching her citadel but brushes Amena off when she dobs in Lindon for burning the grain store.
Meanwhile, Divis pulls off the greatest coup of the series when he floats down-river into the path of a bear. Half-dead himself, he grabs it, kills it and uses its teeth and guts to make a rudimentary surgery kit, suturing his own deep stab wounds and staggering off in the direction of the druid camp having asked Big Pebble which way to go. Hooray!
‘It is her’
“Someone’s having a fucking laugh,” says Phelan for the umpteenth time to Ania as he begins to tire of the hippy life and endless bowls of bowel-stimulating pulses. “Fancy a fuck?” asks a passing hag in the bleakest sexual exchange since Threads as the pair wait for their audience with Veran. When Ania finds out she isn’t the goddess of war after all and just some spaced-out hippy chick, Phelan’s mind is made up. He’s had enough of Glastonbury and wants to go back to Foxton’s where at least you can get a cold Diet Coke, thanks.
Hella sells Cait to the druids for a bag of gold and heads off into the woods with a final, “I’m bored now”. I liked her. Kerra insists she must go and speak to Aulus alone, which turns out to be a mistake as he grabs her knife, stabs her and cuts her heart out, throwing it on the fire. A terrified Cait is unwrapped by Veran who breaths in her face, “It is her”. What his breath must smell like after 10,000 years doesn’t bear thinking about. He’s furious to see Divis and won’t tell him how the prophecy ends. “You want to know what happens next?” says Veran as all the main players prepare themselves for war.
It’s like they’re asking us. Subtle.
‘Hope is the small daughter of a blind father’
Before he murders Kerra, Aulus makes her watch as his legion cleanses the Regni camp with fire. “Let me show you how the empire really works,” he growls at her, double-crossing his former allies spectacularly.
Antedia’s unfortunate son is fatally skewered as the queen tries to make it to safety, which is sure to annoy her. Veran tells Phelan of “a new light” somewhere out there and he tells the golden-haired former royal to go and find it, whatever “it” is. Amena is crowned queen of the Cantii with the Romans’ blessing as Antedia stews in the Cantii dungeons beneath, chanting, “The gods are dead.”
“Hope is the small daughter of a blind father,” repeats Veran as Cait awakes in the centre of the stone circle, unknown runes carved into her forehead. Looking around, she spies Divis at the edge of the circle, watching her. “I know what happens next,” he says.
Was there ever a more confident signpost for a second series? I don’t know if I’d hurl another sack of gold at this if I were Sky/Amazon, but maybe with some new writers (hey, what about some female writers – crazy thought) the triumvirate of Cait/Antedia/Amena could make for a fun power dynamic?
What a ride. Thanks for sticking with me. What did you think? Should it be brought back to life with smoky twigs or left hanging?
Notes from the end of the woad
- Veran’s colleague tells him that the moon told him that Aulus must be allowed his victories so that he becomes “drunk with glory”. That part of the plan seems to have been left dangling in mid-air.
- What happened to Cheech and Chong? Did they get slaughtered by the Assyrians last week? Would they have even noticed?
- Is Cait actually Boudicca? And if she is, what’s the big deal about the leader of a failed uprising against the Romans which changed basically nothing? (Roman historians, back me up here.)
- Is a series two without Kelly Reilly even a thing you’d watch? I know people come back to life with amazing regularity here, but I think even she would struggle without any ventricles. Also, is Cait’s dad OK?
