It’s a truth universally acknowledged that Brits can’t deal with weather. Seemingly any weather. We’re obsessed with it, but we’re bad at it. It snows and we’re calling into work saying there’s no way we can possibly travel, despite the fact that Russians manage to grit their entire cities at 6am each morning. Temperatures reach 21C and people act like they’ve been tossed into a fiery pit of hell. And the exhaustion, oh my God. It’s a trial, so here I am with some handy tips. You can buy me a cool jug of Pimm’s later.
Staying cool
High summer is the only time it’s ever acceptable for men to walk into a supermarket without a shirt on. Even then it’s touch and go. But might I recommend to everyone the freezer aisle? Just grab five minutes of cool respite by opening the door and nestling your hot little face next to the McCain chips and Dr Oetker pizzas.
I would also recommend befriending Karen from work, who carries one of those handheld electric fans at all times. It sounds like a bee on MDMA and will get on everyone’s nerves, but it works.
Keeping your Instagram on point
If you haven’t already learned that Amaro is your go-to summer months filter, then that’s where to start. Snap pics of your feet in the lapping shore of your nearest beach (crop out the plastic waste). Hold an in-focus ice-cream up in front of a flawless blue sky (rainbow sprinkles preferred). Artfully arrange this summer’s hyped new novel on a patterned picnic blanket, with a “Finally got around to reading!!!” caption, even though its publication date was a week ago (to imply that you usually finish a new release on the same day). Try not to get photobombed by a: seagull, naked child or somebody else taking a selfie.
Not getting wasted in the day
In the pub at 1pm any other day and your mates would stage an intervention, but during a “heatwave” it’s basically mandatory. If you work at a tech startup your boss has probably already passed around ice-cold beers and hired an ice-cream van for the reception, but the rest of us have to find a way to slink off to a sunny spot in a pub garden (and immediately moan that it is too hot).
The humidity however, is exhausting (“Mate, I’m so tired, you tired?”, “I cannot deal”, “It’s too much for me, I need a lie down”) and adding booze to the mix is a recipe for falling asleep on the bus home. Pace yourself, and – sorry to be all public health awareness on this – but DRINK WATER. For the non-drinkers, the struggle of sipping from a Diet Coke and dealing with friends who have used heatstroke as their vodka mixer is real.
Travelling on public transport
TfL reported that temperatures on the tube last summer reached 31C. Which is almost a human rights violation, especially when you’re in the shadow of a thousand armpits. On the bus, there’s always that one sociopath who closes the window. People flap free-sheet papers in faces, total hazard. I would advise, if at all possible, to avoid public transport. Walk. Not just because walking keeps you fit and you spot things you would never notice otherwise, but so that you don’t arrive at your destination steaming from your insides having been cooked on the top deck of the number 24 or wearing your shirt like a second skin.
Avoiding getting papped by the Daily Mail
As with at non-heatwave times of the year, the main piece of advice here is: don’t be a woman who is flaunting your curves, showing off your pins or displaying your assets. Wear a bag at all times, like Shia LeBeouf at Cannes.
Come heatwave time, however, the tabloid paps are out in force. So just know that if you will wear a crop top near the Diana memorial fountain or dare to swim in the mixed pool on Hampstead Heath, your midriff is gonna end up on a front page.
Not getting sunburned
For my milkier friends out there, as someone who was once asked by a person who spoke English as a second language: “Why you have no blood?” I can empathise with the risk of sunburn. Remember that anyone, regardless of complexion or skin colour, can burn. So always put on sunscreen. But if your general skin tone is printer-paper, be sensible.
I manage to burn every year without fail, which is highly amusing to friends, but also not great for obvious health reasons. Skin cancer is one of the most prevalent of all cancers. There are options to cover up. Annoyingly, because they are awful, bucket hats are making a comeback. Plenty of people are choosing to wear swimwear originally designed for religious purposes, but have reached an even wider audience. We are all excited about England doing well in the World Cup, but try to avoid becoming red and white all over.
Pretending you’re on holiday
Finally, I’d like to recommend open-water swimming. It’s great any time of the year, but when temperatures soar, it’s lovely. There are open-swimming spots all around the UK. Ponds and rivers among foliage (River Derwent near Chatsworth House, Peak District); infinity pools near the sea (Tinside lido in Plymouth; Jubilee pool in Penzance, Cornwall); tucked away in cities (Bristol lido); Scotland’s glorious lochs; beach pools (the Tidal pool on Margate beach), and, oh wow, the lakes (the … um, entire Lake District, Hatchmere in Delamere Forest).
Also, seek out a cafe terrace with those Parisian-style outdoor tables and chairs, and try to ignore how much harder it’ll be to live the life for real once Brexit comes through.
• Hannah Jane Parkinson is a Guardian columnist
