Britain's Got Talent 2009: meet the contestants

Everyone is going big on burlesque this year. Meet Fabia, 35. She looks surprised to find herself in this position. But somehow the collar and tie keep it dignified, don't they? Photograph: Ken McKay/Talkback Thames

My guess is that Billy Bedlam's act goes straight down the plughole. Impressive that he can hold a sink with one hand, mind Photograph: Ken McKay/Talkback Thames

Ballet and pole-dancing. By a man. Is there really an ITV audience for this sort of thing? Photograph: Ken McKay/Talkback Thames

Mime and pole-dancing. I refer you to my previous query Photograph: Ken McKay/Talkback Thames

This is just instantly annoying, isn't it? She's called Betty Delight Photograph: Ken McKay/Talkback Thames

Scary contact lenses (although I don't think that's what bodybuilder Denton Wilson means us to focus on). Surely the Lion King chorus line beckons? Photograph: Ken McKay/Talkback Thames

This, on the other hand, is very Mykonos beach lifeguard, isn't it? Something tells me the sunglasses are all Conrad's going to keep on Photograph: Ken McKay/Talkback Thames

Unless Jack Warner has a special trick up his mac sleeve, this Covent Garden piazza schtick just isn't going to cut it Photograph: Ken McKay/Talkback Thames

Now, this looks a bit better – the Sheffield Dragons martial arts team Photograph: Ken McKay/Talkback Thames

OMG, it's Dita von Teese! Oh no, it's Carrie Ann from Birmingham Photograph: Ken McKay/Talkback Thames

You're racking your brains, aren't you? Let me help – Chris Collins's idol is Freddie Mercury Photograph: Ken McKay/Talkback Thames

The same-shirts-in-different-colours gimmick didn't work for JLS on X Factor, and this effort looks at bit village-hall Bugsy Malone Photograph: Ken McKay/Talkback Thames

Did Peter Coghlan run out of fake tan for his belly? Did he mean his wig, face and outfit to clash? And might it all have looked better without the heavy-duty support bra underneath? Amanda Holden's going to have something to say about this … Photograph: Ken McKay/Talkback Thames

Robert Webb has opened up a whole new market for men in spandex. This guy's thing is air guitar. He might want to throw some air welding in if he wants a recall Photograph: Ken McKay/Talkback Thames

I thought this was maybe a Benny Andersson tribute. Wouldn't it be nice if he whipped through the Abba songbook after dropping his trews? Turns out his stage name is Pavabotti. La Scala's loss is our gain Photograph: Ken McKay/Talkback Thames

Unless she eats the harp, I don't see her making the semis after this lot, do you? Photograph: Ken McKay/Talkback Thames