ITV’s new schedule-filling trick is an absolute beauty. If you watched either Britain’s Favourite Dogs or Britain’s Favourite Walks, you will already be well acquainted with the formula. Both episodes were aggressively long, bottom-numbing list shows that dealt with subjects so unstoppably British that they might very well have been focus-grouped during a Brexit convention. They were also both wildly popular, raking in millions of viewers despite basically being the sort of thing that hotels automatically show on their TVs before you have decided which channel you want to watch.
And ITV being ITV, this means that we are bound to inundated with a million more of these 150-minute patriotic list marathons before long. But what should they be? Fortunately, I have some ideas. (Note: I am no stranger to list shows myself, and I am still pretty sore about not being invited to participate in Channel 5’s recent biscuit one, so I only offer these suggestions on the proviso that I get to appear on them when they are commissioned.)
Britain’s Favourite Country Pub
This one has to be next. A two-and-a-half-hour presentation of all the cosy little boozers that pepper this sceptred isle, full of warm brown ale and more horse brasses than you could ever hope to count. Which pub has the most embittered day-drinkers? Which landlord most aggressively assumes that all of his customers love rugby as much as he does? Whichever pubs are included, one thing’s for sure; they will all get ideas above their station and alienate the locals by basically becoming restaurants with two barstools out front.
Britain’s Favourite Horse
What’s your favourite type of horse? Brown horse? White horse? Man horse? Little horse? Over two-and-a-half charming hours, celebrities ranging from Ben Fogle to Adrian Edmondson each pick a horse and explain why that horse is better than all the other horses, even though, in their heart of hearts, not even they can tell two horses apart because who’s got the time?
Britain’s Favourite Scotch Egg
Just to mix things up, ITV will then walk into a storm of outrage by taking on the most contentious of subjects: the scotch egg. Over the course of two-and-a-half hours, celebrities will vehemently argue to define what makes a great scotch egg. Is it warmth? Is it a runny yolk? Are scotch eggs a picnic food? A restaurant starter? Fragile viewers are urged to switch off after the watershed, because that is when Shane Richie will argue the toss for party eggs before getting beaten unconscious by a froth-mouthed Ricky Tomlinson.
Britain’s Favourite Log Fire
You know that virtual log fire you can watch on Netflix? This is just that played two and a half times in a row without interruption, but with Joanna Lumley and Caroline Quentin cooing occasional beginner-level platitudes about logs over the top.
Britain’s Favourite Branch of Millets
Martin Clunes loves the Stroud branch for its unassuming surroundings and proximity to a Shoe Zone. Robson Green prefers the Lowestoft branch because there is a bin outside. Nigel Farage used to frequent the branch in Canterbury, but then it became a Blacks, so now he has switched allegiances to the Uckfield branch because there is space to utilise the pavement as a quasi-showroom for fold-out camping chairs. Two-and-a-half hours of this. Two-and-a-half hours.
Britain’s Favourite Sunburn
It’s bank holiday Monday, and ITV has sent a squadron of its best-loved celebrities to various parks and beaches across the country so they can run around topless without any suntan lotion on. Who will get most burned? Ben Shephard managed to get the soles of his feet, the fool, but Piers Morgan stayed out for so long that he can’t even put a loose cotton shirt on without crying. But what’s this? Simon Cowell’s back is peeling. Can he be topped?
