Brit nominees 2008

British male solo artist: Uber-producer Mark Ronson is up against Jamie T, Mika, Newton Faulkner and Richard Hawley. He is living proof that coming from an extremely privileged background is no obstacle to musical success. Photograph: PR

British female solo artist: PJ Harvey is up against Bat For Lashes, Kate Nash, KT Tunstall and Leona Lewis. She is living proof that dressing up like a Victorian governess for your PR shots is no obstacle to musical success. Photograph: PR

British group: Girls Aloud is up against Arctic Monkeys, Editors, Kaiser Chiefs and Take That. If the winner is determined by a drinking contest or fashion shoot, we know which fab five will come out on top. That's right. Take That with special guest, the missing canoeist. Photograph: Murdo Macleod/Guardian

British album: It's a tough one with Arctic Monkeys' Favourite Worst Nightmare, Leona Lewis's Spirit, Mark Ronson's Version, Mika's Life in Cartoon Motion and Take That's Beautiful World all up for the gong. Here is a picture of the Monkeys - who will prevail if the rockists vote en bloc - and one non-Monkey. Fun game! Pick the odd actor out. Photograph: Dave Hogan/Getty

British breakthrough: Kate Nash, pictured here plotting the gruesome deaths of her competitors, is up against Klaxons, Bat for Lashes, Leona Lewis and Mika. If she doesn't win, we doubt she'll be bittah even though we know she has eats a lot of scurvy-fighting citrus fruit. We're paraphrasing. Photograph: Leon Neal/AFP

British live act: Who's up? Klaxons, Muse, Take That, Kaiser Chiefs and Arctic Monkeys. We reckon Klaxons might take this one, unless they eat each other first. Cannibals, even in the year 2008, are still tragically excluded from consideration for the Brits. Photograph: Getty

British single: Sure, James Blunt is terrible, but he has such pretty eyes. And he was a peacekeeper! Will his 1973 beat out the nine others up for this award? Yes. What, did you think that was a rhetorical question? No. Did you think that was? Photograph: PR

International female solo artist: Feist, Alicia Keys, Björk, Kylie Minogue, Rihanna are given the nod. We're leaning towards Feist winning this one. Or wait... is she leaning towards us? Whoa. Photograph: Richard Saker/Guardian

International male solo artist: Uber-producer Timbaland is up against Bruce Springsteen, Kanye West, Michael Bublé and Rufus Wainwright. Come on, how could anyone beat an uber-producer? I bet half that iPod's contents were produced by Timbaland. Timbaland made this photo gallery, too. Photograph: PR

International group: Arcade Fire versus the Eagles versus Foo Fighters versus Kings of Leon versus the White Stripes. Here, the Foo Fighters prepare for battle the only way they know how. But to no avail. It's curtains for them. Ahem. Look, it's hard thinking up clever captions, OK? Judge not. Photograph: Graeme Robertson/PR

International album: Same as the last group of nominees, except Kylie Minogue beats the White Stripes to a spot for her album X. Here she is pictured doing the rumba with Paul McCartney, who is, incidentally, the winner of the "outstanding contribution to music" award. Rumba on, Macca. Rumba on. Photograph: Andre Csillag/Rex