Right then, that’s about us - bye! Oh, and join Simon Burnton for Southampton-Newcastle, here and now!
That was not a very good game at all, but the last ten minutes were delicious. Errors, fury, idiocy and violence - all the things that make the Premier League the best league in the world - were there in abundance, and at the end we got a result to infuriate both teams. Lovely stuff.
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Full-time: Brighton & Hove Albion 1-1 Everton
So Everton move up to 15th and Brighton to 14th. Both will be vex.
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90+4 min Holgate finds space down the left and dries a cross that finds Mirallas! But though he makes good contact - twice! - Ryan is there on both occasions to beat clear!
90+4 min In all the fuss, I neglected to note that Davies has come on - for whom I’m not sure.
90+3 min Mirallas is booked for pulling back Gross, thus ending a Brighton break.
90+3 min I hope Chris Hughton ties Bruno to a goalpost tomorrow morning, and has Dunk and Duffy practice finishing from three yards.
90+2 min Suttner humps one into the box, but Keane is there to head away.
90+1 min A game of football has broken out.
90 min There shall be a minimum of four added minutes.
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GOAL! Brighton 1-1 Everton (Rooney pen, 90)
Ryan goes right, Rooney drills left, and the least reliable penalty taker in the world has saved Everton!
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88 min PENALTY TO EVERTON!
Sigurdsson lifts in the free-kick and at the back post, Bruno elbows Calvert-Lewin. That is majestically brainless! He has a look, steadies himself, and then flings a forearm into neck for absolutely no reason! What a hero! Immense! He’s booked, but should’ve gone off really. Wayne Rooney readies himself to be saviour, if you ignore the last 87 minutes of nowt-doing.
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88 min Everton break and Niasse scoots forward, so naturally Knockaert pulls him down; yellow card.
87 min Brighton are streaming forward now, Brown finding Inquierdo, taking the ball back, and shmicing a shot that Pickford beats over the top. The corner comes to nowt.
87 min Everton play Lyon on Thursday and Arsenal next weekend. Gulp.
86 min Oh, Everton. And spare a thought for Ronald Koeman, who has about 15 minutes to find someone not named Ronald Koeman to blame.
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85 min Murray departs, replaced by Brown.
84 min On comes Mirallas - it was going to be for Rooney, but now it’s for Baines. I’m sure that’ll sort things.
GOAL! Brighton 1-0 Everton (Knockaert 83)
Bruno goes down the right and diddles Holgate, who sells himself, and clips back for Izquierdo. But though his contact, eight yards out, is solid, Keane blocks well yet again ... only the rebound falls into the path of Knockaert, who bangs home! A serious celebration follows, the kind of mass bundle that is why we all want to be footballers.
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82 min Suttner finds some space and flips a ball into the box ... Baines bundles into the Murray and sees it away. Brighton claim a penalty, but this time the ref’s call not to award one is fair.
79 min Both sides are looking for a winner here, and Rooney finds Schneiderlin, who crosses. The ball is half-cleared, but only as far as Sigurdsson ... who can’t get to the ball because Gorss is pulling him back. That’s suuuuuch a penalty, and Michael Oliver is looking right at it too, but for reasons known best to himself he doesn’t bother awarding one.
78 min Izquierdo has livened things up a bit.
76 min Brighton win a corner down the right and when the ball finds its way back to Knockeart, he crosses again to the back post. Dunk then heads towards the front and Knockaert, who’s continued his run, opens his body and from a narrow angle thuds a left-footer goalwards, only for Keane to block superbly.
74 min Rooney finds space on the right and crosses well, Calvert-Lewin taking it down well at the back post. But as the ball drops he’s got to swivel and shoot, doing both well, only he can’t impart the power necessary to seriously trouble Ryan. Phil Neville reckons he should’ve scored; Danel Harris reckons he did well with what he had.
74 min Duffy can’t continue, so Huenemeier replaces him, and at the same time, Izquierdo comes on for March.
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73 min Everton fans are singing this. Swings and roundabouts.
72 min Duffy is down with what looks like a groin situation.
71 min Brighton flow forward through Kncokaert, Propper and Murray, but Murray then seeks Gross inside the box and can only find Jagielka.
71 min Everton are the opposite of good.
69 min Niasse replaces Gueye, so Sigurdsson goes into midfield - with Rooney I think - and Niasse is up front.
68 min Sigurdsson takes it - search me - and curls wide of the near post.
67 min Baines thrashes an up-and-under, which Dunk leaves. Suddenly Rooney is in behind him, though 40 yards out, quite what he’s going to do about it is not easy to fathom. Dunk pulls him down though, giving Sigurdsson the chance to stick one in the box, and in the repechage that follows, Murray fouls Holgate 25 yards out, right of centre. Sigurdsson and Baines are behind it...
65 min March wins another corner down the left and Rooney and Jagielka stand off Duffy and Dunk. Gross directs his kick towards the former who clambers all over his man at the back post, but can only nod down and wide.
63 min Keane pulls a jersey, giving March a chance to curl in a free-kick from the left. It’s headed clear, but March, now on the edge of the box, slides a clever ball towards Knockaert, left side. It wins his side a corner, which comes to nothing.
62 min Lovely touch from Rooney, laying off for Vlasic ... but Stephens slides in with a proper teeth-rattler, and Brighton build again.
61 min I know Brighton’s devastating attacking prowess forced Ronald Koeman to pick Schneiderlin and Gueye, but the pairing isn’t working.
59 min Brighton have been quiet this last bit, but then Gross feeds March. His cross, though, is too close to Pickford.
57 min Nice from Everton, who’re coming. Calvert-Lewin moves the ball infield, Sigurdsson sends it onto Vlasic, and he does very well to turn Suttner, who’s too close, with a flick. But as he swivels into the shot he slips, and naturally remonstrates with the grass. How very dare it!
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55 min Gueye allows the ball to run a roll longer than Propper expected and moves it away into space, so Propper carries on anyway and autographs foot with studs. Yellow card reckons Michael Oliver - a generous interpretation of the offence.
53 min nice from Everton, Holgate skating forward and finding Vlasic, whose backheel meets his stride into the box. March is between him and goal, so he chops the ball behind his standing foot, sending March somewhere off towards Plymouth, and smashes a shot which Ryan beats out.
52 min Stephens flattens Gueye, who wanted too long to control a loose pass. The ref gives a foul, but the passage is a telling one nonetheless.
51 min Lovely from Gross, pulling left and turning a square pass into the box, perfect to meet Murray’s stride. His first touch would constitute a crime in some countries.
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50 min Brighton are still pushing the pace, such that is is.
49 min Everton are dustbins, drains, gutters and sewers.
48 min Vlasic puts Sigurdsson in space down the right, and his cross isn’t bad, but Duffy slides in decisively to intercept.
46 min Yes, we’re already onto kids’ telly, which tells you everything you need to know. “Ah, Newsround... Never counted towards my daily TV allowance as a kid,” emails Adam Forbes. “Grange Hill of course was forbidden. Quite right too.”
My parents used to quite like Grange Hill. I remember Jeremy drowning the same evening that Ian Rush scored four at Villa. A sad day in the Harris household.
46 min We go again.
The players are back with us. Wayne Rooney is having a quick with Ashley Williams. Ahem.
Here’s Paul Wilson on Tom Davies, who isn’t playing on account of being quite good at football.
Half-time: Brighton & Hove Albion 0-0 Everton
A scoreline speaks a thousand expletives.
45+1 min If Uri Geller’s reading, please use your frankly divine powers to shove the clocks forward. Toda rabah achi. תודה רבה.
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45 min There’ll be one added minute.
43 min It’s been a fair while since Everton did anything going forward. Weird, when you consider they sold a striker they knew would score 25 goals a season, and replaced him with a striker who quite fancied moving to his favourite team.
42 min BREAKING NEWS: Everton are whack, pants, bobbins and nonsense.
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41 min Murray flicks the ball out to March, who bends in another ball, cleared to Stephens arriving at the edge. He thrashes to who knows where, but Everton can’t get out at the moment.
39 min Now Propper tries a raking pass, drilling from centre to right seeking Bruno. It’s too strong, but nevertheless reflects how things are going.
38 min Stephens tries to spread wide for March, but Keane does just enough to intercept. Everton are second best in midfield at the moment.
37 min Brighton are climbing into this game now, and they’re getting March running at Holgate wherever possible. If they’re prepared to gamble with more men in the box, they might just be onto something.
35 min Gross goes down the right and crosses deep for Murray, just over Keane’s head. But the chest down is too strong, and subsequent dive too bait.
34 min Looking at that potential handball again, Keane did indeed forearm the ball away, but it clipped his thigh first, so the ref probably made the correct call. Great defending.
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31 min A mistake from Gueye allows March to cross, and Brighton haver a corner ... it goes short, but to the edge, is clipped in, laid back, and Knockaet thunders a low shot that someone blocks ... the ball breaks to Duffy, right of centre and with Pickford nowhere ... he smacks a with his laces towards goal, but Keane blocks - with his hands on first look, Stephane Henchoz-style, but no one seems too fussed.
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30 min Rooney is chugging about and stuff, but Everton really don’t look very dangerous. It might be anathema to a sophisticate like Ronald, but maybe if they went 4-4-2, Calvert-Lewin could test Dunk and Duffy.
28 min Keane brings the ball out of defence and finds Vlasic then carries on running, accepting the one-two close to the right touchline before whamming a cross over the bar. I wish Newsround was on.
26 min “True, play boldly and without fear,” retorts Gary Naylor. “But that was the Martinez approach (especially with John Stones) - how did that work out?”
Better than tedious football and fourth-bottom? I’m not saying experience isn’t important, but there are positions on the pitch where you can get away with playing kids, and Davies plays in one of them.
25 min Everton win another free-kick, this time just right of centre, but further out. Again, Sigurdsson’s delivery is decent, but the ball comes to Calvert-Lewin faster than he was expecting and glances off his brow and wide.
23 min “Sorry Daniel,” begins Geoff, “but gulls aren’t sea birds. They do like to live near the sea and to eat fish, but equally to spend all day at landfill sites eating whatever or divebombing people eating chips. Seabirds live at sea.”
The list of things more interesting than this game is long and multifarious.
21 min Phil Neville reckons no one in the Premier League has better delivery than Gylfi Sigurdsson. I wonder if he’s familiar with the work of De Bruyne, K.
19 min A shot! This is nice from Everton, Rooney transferring the ball short and into Sigurdsson, who lays off immediately for Gueye, meeting his stride. From 20 yards, he drills a right-footer headed low towards the far corner, but Ryan dives sharply to shove around the post. The corner comes to nowt.
18 min Sigurdsson into Rooney, who spreads wide for Baines. His cross isn’t bad, but just close enough to Suttner for an extended leg to divert it back out of the box.
16 min “Re Davies, younger players make more mistakes, so I see why 3 in an XI is 1 too many,” tweets Gary Naylor. “But Everton really need his quick tempo.”
If things aren’t working, which they aren’t, just pick your best, most balanced team and worry about age later. And maybe young players do make more mistakes - maybe - but they’re also less scared.
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14 min Calvert-Lewin finds Rooney, so Duffy slides in and concedes the foul, 25 yards out and just left of centre. This time, Sigurdsson’s delivery is decent, forcing Matt Ryan to barrel into everything - he takes a bit of Jagielka and absolutely clatters seven shades out of Duffy, who has a little rest on the ground.
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13 min Murray galumphs forward and for a second Brighton look to have space, but Schneiderlin slides in quickly and hard.
12 min Dunk sashays forward with the ball but panics 25 yards out and Everton regain possession. Naturally, they pass it slowly and sideways to little avail.
9 min Knockaert finds himself in space in centrefield, but Gross sells Bruno short and Calvert-Lewin storms through him to break, finding Rooney. He then slides a pass into the path of Sigurdsson, but Dunk immediately flings all of himself directly at the first-time dig.
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7 min Everton enjoy possession around the Brighton box, pinning the home team back. Holgate and Vlasic are stretching play down the right, and the former zoom a cross over, too strong for Rooney, but the pressure continues.
5 min Keane finds Holgate, who looks a player, and he nips a pass into Rooney., dropping off. Eventually the ball goes wide to Vlasic, and he crosses into the nearest available shins.
4 min There’s a pretty decent racket bouncing around the Amex, and Brighton are sticking the ball into the Everton half whenever possible, though not with very much menace for now.
2 min “I too am unimpressed by Tom Davies’ absence,” emails Kevin Wilson. “England are likely to go to Russia with Livermore or Delph in their squad. England don’t have many options in central midfield. If you get regular football, you’ve basically got a chance.”
Yep - and given midfield is England’s weakest area, someone able to get about the pitch, who might develop into a mainstay, would be pretty useful.
1 min From kick-off, Everton aim a punt towards Calvert-Leiwn and Bruno can’t resist fouling him. Free-kick, dangerous position ... and Sigurdsson, very deliberately, curls it at the nearest defender. The dye is cast.
1 min We’re off!
Everton’s blue kit clashes with Brighton’s blue kit, so they’re playing in their change kit which is blue.
The players are out and shaking hands. The integrity is mindblowing. Incidentally, this game is happening now because it suits Star Sports in India.
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Interviewed by a different television station, Koeman says that his team need to be more aggressive. He’s not wrong.
Ronaldo Koeman looks like he’s kipping in the car. He says that Everton need experience, but it’s hard not to look at their team and see the younger players as its strongest elements.
The problem for Brighton this season will be scoring goals ... keep reading for more insight. But the thing is, some likely strugglers have regular strikers, whereas Chris Hughton keep rotating his options, looking for the best fit for the particular opponent. That requires him getting things right, as well as players playing well - possible, of course, but with greater margin for error.
Anyone got any idea that at which Ronald Koeman is playing? Surely his team needs Tom Davies’ energy and enterprise, while Wayne Rooney is definitely five years past playing up front on his bill. I suppose Dominic Calvert-Lewin will be trying to help the old man out, showing him how to work the telly and such, but it’s not a recipe for a successful football team.
Anyway back to those teams, both of which show three changes from the last time they played, seventeen months ago. Suttner, Knockaert and Murray come in for Brighton, replacing Bong, Izquierdo, Brown and my pre-prepared buckets and hot knives gag; Everton omit Williams, Martina and Niasse, in favour of Holgate, Jagielka and Rooney.
Aw!
#BHAFC's players are greeted by today's mascots as they emerge from the tunnel at the Amex. #BHAEVE pic.twitter.com/LAVjo6iA26
— BHAFC ⚽️ (@OfficialBHAFC) October 15, 2017
Cyphers and mirages
Brighton & Hove Albion (a showman’s 4-4-1-1): Ryan; Bruno, Dunk, Duffy, Suttner; Knockaert, Stephens, Propper, March; Gross; Murray. Subs: Krul; Bong, Huenemeier, Izquierdo; Schelotto; Brown; Molumby.
Everton (4-2-3-Rooney!): Pickford; Holgate, Jagielka, Keane, Baines; Schneiderlin, Gueye; Vlasic, Sigurdsson, Calvert-Lewin; Rooney. Subs: Stekelenburg, Williams, Mirallas, Martina, Niasse, Klaassen, Davies.
Michael Oliver: Michael Oliver.
Preamble
Did you know that there is no such thing as a seagull? You probably did, but in case not: there are simply various species of gull, which are seabirds. Amazing, yeah? Anyway, it’s a bit early for Chekhov, even for your super soaraway Guardian, except there’s no such thing a toffeeman either, so maybe game is simply a figment of our collective imagination – it’s not even on telly or nuffink. Given the likely quality of any prospective encounter, let’s hope so.
Alleged kick-off: 1.30pmBST
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