As Theresa May crawled to Brussels begging the EU to let us stay in their club, they’d have been forgiven a knowing smile.
Not to mention a convulsion of laughter when she accepted another six months’ membership on condition we behaved ourselves, effectively clamping an electronic tag on the ankles of Euro-haters who celebrated referendum victory as freedom from enslavement.
But it’s going to be a hellish six months.
And we need to impose some conditions on ourselves to stop the worst excesses of Brexit driving millions of us into depression or beyond. So here’s what I suggest.
Theresa May, lose that blue coat and the addresses to the nation that say you mean business. We know you don’t. In fact, we know there’s nothing going on behind your mask as you’re a Doctor Who alien.
John Bercow, stop thinking you’re being played by Tom Cruise in a blockbuster movie. You’re just the smallest sh** in the biggest sh**show. Unlock your ego.
Brexit: Brussels slaps down Jacob Rees Mogg after his vow to cause chaos
The BBC, stop your “star interviewer” John Humphrys going softer on right-wing bores like David Davis than he would a Ku Klux Klan kangaroo court on a lynching party.
Also, tell Laura Kuenssberg to have a lie down and scrap Question Time as it’s unhealthy to consume a pile of gammon before going to bed.
We need to ban those yearners for the mythical pre-war, all-white uplands, called the ERG, from running to cameras to whine about betrayal.
Keep Jacob Rees-Mogg under mansion arrest and force Mark Francois to admit he’s a Europhobe because at school he had his head stuck down the toilet every day while boys shouted “drown fat Frenchy, drown”.
Commentators have to stop comparing Brexit with classic sitcoms like Fawlty Towers and Blackadder. They were funny. Brexit is as funny as Liz Truss.
All TV stations must remove their gantries outside Westminster as they’re a wailing nutter magnet.
Brexit fury erupts as Tories launch fresh plot to oust Theresa May this summer
And those wailing nutters must be stuck in a glass, soundproofed pen in Parliament Square.
If we’re having marches, let’s outlaw the painting of yellow stars or Union Jacks on people’s faces, and smug placards that point out bad spelling or grammar on other placards.
We must remove from our language the phrases red lines, orderly withdrawal, meaningful or indicative votes.
And make it a criminal offence to talk about surrender, D-day, Hitler, Normandy beaches and Churchill, or for anyone to say “don’t talk to me about Brexit” then proceed to bang on about it until your ears bleed.
We have to outlaw all vox pops with voters who have changed their minds as we know you now think you were either “lied to” or just “want them to get on with it”.
Stop treating Arlene Foster like she’s the head of state of some really important country. She’s not.
Stop painting Jean-Claude Juncker as a lying, careerist alcoholic. The name you’re looking for is Nigel Farage.
Theresa May refuses to take the blame for the Brexit horror show
And all MPs must cease looking for pity about working long stressful hours as we’ve more sympathy with lifers being denied drugs in HMP Belmarsh.
In fact, after their long Easter break let’s lock them in Westminster the way the Vatican does with cardinals and only release them when white smoke rises to announce they’ve reached a decision.
And if they can’t, then throw it over to us.
