Oh, those 58 sectoral analyses of the impact of leaving the EU! The face of Brexit minister Robin Walker tried to reassemble itself as a picture of innocence and surprise. If only Keir Starmer could have made it clear he was referring to those 58 sectoral analyses and not the other 58 sectoral analyses, then everyone could have saved themselves the hassle of a three-hour debate the previous afternoon. And the government could have saved itself the humiliation of losing a vote.
Of course he would be delighted for the opposition to see those 58 sectoral analyses. Nothing would make him happier than to hand over the analyses. After all, as had become clear last week, neither he, Steve Baker, nor the prime minister had got round to reading them so it would be helpful if someone were to give them the once over - if only to make the civil servants who had gone to the effort of writing them feel as if they hadn’t completely wasted their time.
At Brexit departmental questions, the shadow Brexit secretary was understandably not entirely willing to take Walker at his word on any of this. Starmer asked when his department would hand them over. “We will respond as soon as conceivable,” Walker replied.
Several Labour MPs let out a low groan. They had long learnt that almost any time frame might be conceivably considered soon as far as the Brexit department were concerned. It could be months. Years even. In its 16 months of existence the department had yet to achieve anything of real note. Other than preparing to prepare for the next phase of negotiations.
“Does this mean by the end of the week?” Starmer asked. It helped to remain optimistic. For his sanity, if nothing else. Walker demurred. Don’t be silly. It would take at least a couple of weeks to photocopy them. And then someone would have to staple them together and send them back up to him in the internal mail.
Starmer had another thought. He didn’t want the reports to come to him with all the juicy bits redacted. He wanted the full works. Hmm, said Walker. The unredacted versions might take a little longer.
But, not to worry. David Davis had already had a chat with Hilary Benn, the chairperson of the Brexit select committee, about delivering copies of the analyses to his committee. So he could definitely confirm that someone would be seeing something at some point in the future. Walker flopped back into his seat exhausted.
None of this totally reassured anyone in the house and it wasn’t long before Labour’s Jeff Smith raised the topic again. He couldn’t help feeling the government was trying to conceal information from the public, so it would be extremely helpful if the department could publish its analyses of the consequences of leaving the EU without a deal.
This time it was left to Baker to deal with the incoming. He had a rather more novel approach to the problem. The thing about the 58 sectoral analyses, he said, was that they weren’t necessarily quite the in-depth, rigorous, pieces of research the department had previously cracked them up to be.
Some were no more than a few jottings, such as “British grass for British sheep”, scribbled on to the back of a Wetherspoons bar mat. So no one should get their hopes up too much that they were going to be any wiser having read them.
Throughout these exchanges, Davis slouched back looking uncharacteristically morose. Normally the Brexit secretary uses the house as his own personal sparring chamber, but this day he could barely raise a flicker of interest. Then neither could any of the Conservative backbenchers.
None of the usual suspects, such as Anna Soubry, Nicky Morgan, Jacob Rees-Mogg and Bill Cash, who normally make a point of never missing a session on Brexit, had even bothered to show up. All of them were reeling from the resignation of Michael Fallon, the loss of the Brexit vote, and the feeling that worse was imminently to come.
It felt like the end of days. Not just a government losing its grip on Brexit, but losing its grip on power.
Davis was so catatonic he could barely answer a question, leaving Walker and Baker to do all the heavy lifting. Baker did his best to sound confident. The country could be assured that Brexit would go smoothly because the Conservatives had given their guarantee and would be in power until 2022. As in 20.22 on Monday night.
John Crace’s new book, I, Maybot, is published by Guardian Faber. To order a copy for £6.99, saving £3, go to guardianbookshop.com or call 0330 333 6846. Free UK p&p over £10, online orders only. Phone orders min. p&p of £1.99.
