PM Morning, members of the cabinet. You’re probably wondering why I called you all to Chequers when we all work in London.
All (mumbling) Well, yes, we were.
Minister for Brexit I’m just down the street at No 9. We could have talked there. Or I could drop in on you, Prime Minister. Did we really need all the rest of them?
Minister for trade Prime Minister, it is causing unnecessary delay.
PM On the contrary. There will be no delay. Are the cameras are rolling? Good. Listen carefully everyone. There is to be no backsliding. The people have spoken. Brexit means Brexit. I mean what I say. Thank you.
Press secretary (calling) OK, that’s it! Cameras off. That’s your story: no backsliding. Now, please leave the room as quickly as possible so that the PM can talk some more to the cabinet.
Reporter She hasn’t said anything yet.
Press secretary She said: “Brexit means Brexit.”
Reporter That’s all she ever frigging says. What does she mean?
Curious cabinet ministers gather round the Reporter.
Reporter Just one question. When will Brexit actually happen?
Press secretary Two years from when she triggers Article 50.
Reporter But when will that be?
(Simultaneously):
Chancellor} Three years.
Minister for Brexit} Six months.
Minister for trade} 1 January.
Foreign secretary} Who cares?
The Reporter leaves. Door shuts.
Foreign secretary Did you hear all that, Prime Minister?
PM I hear everything.
Foreign secretary They all want to know what you mean by “Brexit means Brexit”.
Chancellor So do I, actually.
PM Chancellor, did you ever read any Gertrude Stein?
Chancellor Writes for the Economist, doesn’t she?
Foreign secretary (surprised) You read poetry? Gertrude Stein? In the original German, I presume? Translation ruins it.
Minister for Brexit Bloody Etonian show-off.
PM American poet, not German. Lived in Paris.
Minister for trade A Euro-lover?!
PM I was forced to read her at Holton Park Grammar School for Girls. A book of poems called Sacred Emily.
Foreign secretary What about her?
PM She said a rose is a rose is a rose.
Chancellor What does that mean?
PM Brexit means Brexit means Brexit.
Minister for trade Why are you being so mysterious?
PM I move in mysterious ways.
Jonathan Lynn co-created Yes Minister with the late Antony Jay. Brexit means Brexit will return as a weekly column beginning on Monday. @mrjonathanlynn
