The Foreign Secretary welcomes the Polish ambassador.
Foreign secretary Ah, please come in. Do sit down. I’ve invited you here to discuss these recent attacks on Polish property. And Polish citizens too. We want you to know that the British government takes racism and xenophobia extremely seriously.
Ambassador You’re in favour of it, right?
Foreign secretary Of course not! Well, I mean, some of my cabinet colleagues, maybe …
Ambassador But you, personally, tried to discredit President Obama by suggesting he’s not fully American. Part-Kenyan, you said.
Foreign secretary That was just politics. He shouldn’t have come over here and told the British they’d be screwed if they voted Leave.
Ambassador But he was right.
Foreign secretary That’s completely beside the point.
Ambassador And you said the Queen has come to love the Commonwealth, partly because it supplies her with regular cheering crowds of flag-waving piccaninnies.
Foreign secretary (Incredulous) Are you saying that’s racism?
Ambassador Yes. Plus that stuff about watermelon smiles.
Foreign secretary That’s not racism.
Ambassador Then why did you apologise?
Foreign secretary Political correctness. No choice.
Ambassador You know, you remind me a little of Donald Trump.
Foreign secretary (Appalled) Me?
Ambassador You and your colleagues led a campaign to build a wall to keep everybody else out. Look what it’s led to: our citizens being murdered in the streets by British xenophobes, the Polish Cultural Centre vandalised … hate crimes are up 58% in Britain since your referendum.
Foreign secretary I know. Shocking. But if the Poles weren’t here, our yobbos couldn’t beat them up. That’s the reason we want to limit the immigration. For their own protection.
Ambassador You think I’m stupid?
Foreign secretary No, I think you’re … Polish. Not necessarily the same thing. No offence.
Ambassador So tell me: what about the 800,000 Poles who are here already? Are you going to boot them out?
Foreign secretary Absolutely not. The home secretary’s been very clear about that. So has the prime minister. They can stay here and take their chances.
Jonathan Lynn is the co-creator of Yes Minister. @mrjonathanlynn
