PM Free movement is the stumbling block. I have publicly said that the 27 will sign up to a deal with us. But will they?
Foreign secretary Hope so.
PM Hope so? What about Slovakia, Poland, the Czech Republic and Hungary? They’ve all said they’ll use their veto.
Brexit minister They won’t. A good deal for us would also be a good deal for them.
PM How, exactly?
Brexit minister Well … the Germans need us to buy their cars.
PM I asked about the Poles, the Slovaks the Czechs ...
Trade minister They don’t matter. Free movement is over. We don’t want foreigners coming in and out whenever they like.
PM I agree. But –
Chancellor But Prime Minister, the Japanese will take Honda, Nissan and Toyota over to Europe. The Germans will take the Mini and Rolls-Royce. Our car industry will be finished: 814,000 jobs.
Trade minister Bloody Germans and the Japanese. They think they’ve won, do they? But we will prevail. We will fight them on the beaches …
Foreign secretary (helpfully) We can trade with Australia.
Chancellor Maybe. But first Australia wants do a deal with EU. And the US says the same.
Brexit minister That’ll change if Trump wins. Farage campaigned for him, you know.
Trade minister Good chap, old Nige.
PM And now we have a Commons rebellion. They’re demanding to be told what we’re doing.
Brexit minister Ridiculous! None of their damn business. We can’t allow them to micro-manage us.
Trade minister Everyone forecast a slump if we voted for Brexit, but there hasn’t been.
Chancellor That’s because Brexit hasn’t happened yet. But it’s coming. The pound’s in trouble. Only 15% of UK trade is with countries that haven’t got an EU trade agreement. Who are we going to trade with?
Foreign secretary Lots of places. Ceylon? Rhodesia?
PM You mean Sri Lanka and Zimbabwe?
Foreign secretary Yes. Why do those wallahs keep changing the perfectly good names we gave them?
Brexit minister (soothing) It’ll be fine, Prime Minister.
PM I think you’re full of Brexit.
