European Union exit and trade (European affairs) sub-committee
PM I went to Brussels. Met the EU leaders. They wanted to know our plan. I had nothing to tell them.
Foreign secretary Rome wasn’t built in a day.
PM We need a plan. The EU wants to know the plan. Parliament wants to know the plan. It has been four frigging months! No plan! I’m beginning to wonder if this will be over in my lifetime.
Foreign secretary Probably not. How old are you, actually?
PM You three ran the leave campaign. I assumed you had some idea what to do.
Foreign secretary Nope.
Trade minister The Great Repeal bill will solve the problem.
PM No. EU-related law constitutes more than one-sixth of our statutes. I’m told there are 12,295 EU regulations concerning consumer and banking rules and food-safety standards. The bill will simply transfer all those EU rules into UK law. Then we still have to get rid of them, one by one.
Brexit minister Independence! Sovereignty! Freedom!
Chancellor Recession!
Foreign secretary It took 40 years to get into this mess; it could take as long to get out.
Trade minister We’ll start with blanket legislation that chucks out all their stupid food-safety standards.
PM We can’t. We export food to the single market. They take 44% of our exports.
Brexit minister That’s why they have to do a deal with us.
PM No! That’s why we have to do a deal with them!
Foreign secretary Same difference.
Trade minister So we sell our food somewhere else. Indonesia? The Philippines?
Foreign secretary Food safety won’t matter to them.
PM You’re delusional!
Brexit minister Prime Minister, we look to you for guidance. And support.
PM You can’t pass the buck. That won’t work.
Foreign secretary With respect, Prime Minister, you’re panicking.
PM What if parliament doesn’t pass the Great Repeal bill, then the government falls? Won’t that panic you?
Foreign secretary No.
PM Because I’d be history and you want my job?
Foreign secretary Oh, ye of little faith!
