Cabinet committee on Europe
PM Let’s review the past few weeks. Why did you say it’s not government policy to remain in the single market?
Brexit minister Just my personal opinion.
PM That’s completely amateurish. When you stand at the dispatch box, they’re asking for our policy, not your opinion.
Brexit minister But I was right.
PM Who says?
Brexit minister The EU. They’re saying we can’t be in the single market if we restrict freedom of movement.
Chancellor It’s a negotiation!
Brexit minister They won’t negotiate on that.
PM Who says?
Brexit minister They do.
Trade minister Isn’t this trade policy? I’m the one who’s supposed to state trade policy.
PM Which, by the way, doesn’t include telling British CEO’s they’re fat and lazy.
Trade minister I’m a doctor, I can tell people when they’re overweight.
PM Patients, maybe. Not a whole group of people whose support we need. And foreign secretary …
Foreign secretary [jovial] Ah, my turn to get a wigging?
PM Who gave you permission to say I’d trigger article 50 early in the new year?
Foreign secretary So it’s the spring? Same difference.
PM Listen. None of you may take decisions or announce policy until I say so.
Trade minister But it’s taking too long. The way this is happening, nothing will ever get done.
Cabinet secretary That’s the beauty of our system.
PM You stay out of this. You’re just here to take minutes.
Cabinet secretary Sorry, prime minister.
Brexit minister It’s not about minutes. It’s about months. We must get going. We owe it to the people who voted for it.
Chancellor What about the people who didn’t vote for it? Like the Scots.
Foreign secretary [cheerfully] Screw them!
PM Don’t write that down.
Cabinet Secretary I wouldn’t dream of it.
Trade minister So, what are we supposed to say?
PM Nothing!
Foreign secretary How can we say nothing when we’re asked questions all the time by the press and in parliamentary questions?
PM If you don’t know that, you shouldn’t be in politics. And certainly not in government.
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