Brexit means Brexit: breakfast doesn't necessarily mean breakfast

Outsourcing regulations: it’s too much for the trade minister. Photograph: Alamy Stock Photo

Whitehall. A delegation of supermarket retailers.

Trade minister You wanted to discuss breakfast?

Tesco CEO Yes. Specifically, EU packaging regulations 1169-2011.

Trade minister They won’t matter any more.

Sainsbury’s CEO What about the bakers? Hygiene regulations AC 178-2002. Plus the microbiological regulations 1408-1411(2007).

Tesco man And what about butter - EU regulations 882-200?

Trade minister Um – why are there so many regulations about butter?

Private secretary The welfare of cows. Highly regulated, Minister.

Trade minister And sausages?

Private secretary Same thing. Welfare of pigs. Slaughterhouse procedures. Plus there are specific regulations for the Cumberland sausage.

Trade minister How many pages of food regulations do you have there?

Private secretary Only 74.

Sainsbury’s CEO OK. What about brown sauce or red sauce?

Private secretary That’s just too complicated to go into.

Waitrose CEO How do you plan to renegotiate all this?

Trade minister First, we pass the Great Repeal Bill. Then, when they’re part of UK law, we just chuck them away.

Private secretary But you know we can’t export to the EU if you do that.

Trade minister Fine. Let’s forget about exporting to the Single Market. I’m going for a really Hard Brexit.

Tesco CEO What is government policy, exactly? My MP seems to have no idea.

Trade minister Right. We can’t allow MPs to micro-manage the government. The PM insists our negotiating strategy must remain confidential. We can’t show what cards we have in our hand.

Sainsbury’s CEO That’s because you haven’t got any.

Trade minister We certainly have.

Sainsbury’s CEO Like what?

Trade minister This meeting is over. Anything else?

Tesco CEO What about imports? The pound is plunging. Everything we import is costing more. We don’t want to pass the price rises on to the consumer but we don’t see much choice.

Trade minister If you do, we’ll start getting serious problems with inflation.

Tesco CEO So what are you going to do about it?

Trade minister I’ve told you: we’re not revealing our strategy.

Waitrose CEO Do you have a strategy?

Trade minister Mind your own business.