After a fortnight of obfuscation, Jeremy Corbyn finally agreed to meet Theresa May for "cross-party talks" to break the Brexit deadlock. But did they get on?
Theresa on Jeremy
What were you hoping for?
Salvation from my own failings, or just someone to share the blame.
What did you talk about?
The backstop. The customs union. The time I called him a national tragedy.
Any awkward moments?
At one point, no one spoke for twenty minutes.
Good table manners?
Impeccable. I left no deal on it but we both pretended it wasn’t there.
Best thing about Jeremy?
He left after 45 minutes.
Would you introduce him to your friends?
No, neither of them.
Describe Jeremy in three words
Let me be clear.
Yes?
I think you’ll find I’ve already answered this question.
No you haven’t
“Let me be clear” is four words. You only asked for three.
But “let me be clear” doesn’t describe Jeremy
I’ve already been very clear about this.
What do you think he made of you?
I don’t know
But what do you think he made of you?
I don’t know what other people think.
But if you had to show some empathy?
I’ve already dealt with this.
Did you go on somewhere?
Yes, to the House of Commons to vote on the crime (overseas production Orders) bill.
And... did you kiss?
What is the next question?
If you could change one thing about the date, what would it be?
I wish we could have done it over email
Marks out of 10?
Three
Would you meet again?
Yes, but only as sworn enemies.
Jeremy on Theresa
What were you hoping for?
A straightforward, pointless, political game from which I emerge blameless
First impressions?
She has a very nice office.
What did you talk about?
A permanent customs union, a strong single market deal, no race to the bottom on standards, environmental protections and workers rights.
Any awkward moments?
She asked me what these things meant. There was a long silence.
What are they?
A permanent customs union, a strong single market deal, no race to the bottom on standards, environmental protections and workers rights.
Yes but what are they?
Seumas?
Good table manners?
Very good. I asked her to take no deal off it and she agreed to do so.
Best thing about Theresa?
The 2017 general election campaign.
Would you introduce her to your friends?
I would, but I don’t think they would get along.
Why not?
My friends are from Hamas and Hezbollah.
Describe Theresa in three words
In my way
Yes, in your way
In my way
What do you think she made of you?
I think she saw someone who wants to bring people together, because people in this country are struggling because of Tory austerity, whether they voted Leave or Rema-
Did you go on somewhere?
I go on everywhere
And... did you kiss?
I kissed her on the cheek. She was present but not involved.
Marks out of 10?
Two
Would you meet again?
Yes. My advisors tell me we will have to keep up this pointless charade for several more weeks.
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