The last time I was dumped, it was in an alley behind a grocery store. I was on the phone with my own personal heartbreaker but could barely hear him because of noisy shoppers at Ralph’s and the loud screams of panic going off in my brain. I ditched my cart and ran into the back alley behind the store. While I stood there holding my phone with one hand and blocking out the street noise with the other, I took in the truth: my boyfriend wasn’t over his ex, he wasn’t that into me and there was a male Ralph’s employee in this alley attentively witnessing my breakup.
Could I really cry in front of this stranger? Although we made a lot of awkward eye contact I didn’t think so. Instead I told my boyfriend: “Well, I hope we can be friends.” For the record, that is not what I would have said if I had not been being watched. I would have screamed: “What am I going to do with all this pain Tyler? You’re the freaking worst!” But instead I said: “Take care, big hug!” and hung up the phone. Who says “big hug” when they’re being dumped? Me, when I am trying to deflect attention and pretend I am more emotionally stable than I am.
Breakups are awful. Sometimes you are the “bad” guy, letting go of someone who might be great but who your gut tells you it is time to leave. Sometimes you are madly in love with someone who seemingly out of nowhere lets you go. And also there is the aftermath. I personally like to go through a delightful cycle of self-evaluation, self-improvement, self-sabotage and then ultimately back to self-improvement. But over a year ago, I realized that breakups could and absolutely should be mined for some much-needed laughs.
There is much comic fodder that breakups provide. Perhaps it was the location that was bizarre. I dated a man who got another woman pregnant while dating me. And yes it was traumatizing, but I also couldn’t help but notice the mundane setting he chose to tell me this massive news in. It was at a Starbucks. He told me in a public place so there wouldn’t be a “scene” but it was in turn a ridiculous moment of two adults whispering loudly about betrayal. “Where did you meet her?” “I met her at an Applebee’s! She was my server, she was hot, I don’t know!” “Yes you know! You absolutely do know!” The baristas only looked over suspiciously eight times.
Other times its the method they chose that results in joke-worthy misunderstandings. A friend went on a few dates with a guy that she was absolutely smitten with. He updated his Facebook status to “In a relationship.” She coyly asked him over text, “Wait, with me? ;)” No. No it wasn’t. He had gotten back with his ex. Nice try Sarah. But he had forgotten to tell her. He just thought the old news feed would handle the dirty work.
Or sometimes its your reaction that makes you laugh. Maybe you burped or choked on your water. Maybe you went dead inside for 30 seconds only to be shaken awake by your lover asking: “Are you okay? Your eyes glazed over.” A friend told me that while he was dumping his ex, she took his car keys and hid his car for 3 days. I would argue that grand theft auto is a totally human and hilarious reaction to heart break.
Your breakup does have the ability to crack you up if you change the focus and zoom in on different things. It’s a moment when someone is firing you from his or her life. Your old boss could still be your friend, but honestly it’s rare when I meet someone at a dinner party and their introduction is, “This is Todd, my old boss. He had to fire me, but we are still thick as thieves!” To be fair, it’s also rare to hear anyone use the phrase “thick as thieves.”
And while tragic, breakups do have the capacity to make you laugh at least at the absurdity of what they inherently are, painful lessons. And no matter what always remember, you deserve better.
