BEING FRANK
Frank Lampard’s career as Chelsea manager has not got off to the most auspicious of beginnings. On Thursday, he sold Chelsea’s best defender to Arsenal for a handful of spare change Unai Emery found down the back of his sofa, before taking his Chelsea team to Old Trafford where they ran midfield, hit the woodwork twice, had just shy of 20 shots and still got spanked 4-0. As managerial baptisms go, it could scarcely have been more fiery unless Drogon from Game of Thrones had circled over the ground and lined his technical area up in his crosshairs.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, his former boss José Mourinho was on hand to pass judgment. A man who has long been renowned for his huge admiration for pundits deigned to join the Einsteins in the Sky Sports studio to help run the rule over his former pupil’s first game in charge. He was quick to criticise Lampard’s over-reliance on youth, saying Mason Mount, Tammy Abraham and Andreas Christensen were too inexperienced for a game of such magnitude. Upon being told what Mourinho had said at his post-match press conference, Lampard seemed as stunned as Kurt Zouma in the face of a United counterattack, but defended his slightly weird team selection.
“He didn’t like the performance of Mason Mount?” said an incredulous Frank. “Is that what he said? Did he? Wow. Well, I can’t drag players out of the medical room to play if they are experienced or not, so these are the players that played in a game that we were clearly the better team in for 45-60 minutes.” With Liverpool up next in Wednesday night’s European Super Pot, one suspects Chelsea will need to be the better team for far longer if they are to avoid an even bigger drubbing.
Meanwhile in the home dressing-room, Ole Gunnar Solskjær was breaking the record for the world’s longest sigh of relief and looking forward to his first decent night’s sleep since mid-April. “We’ve found the way we want to play and a way we believe in,” he said. “You’ve just got to go out and do the same. We took risks but that’s the way here. You have got to go for it. It’s risk and reward and today we were rewarded.” As were Arsenal, who kept a clean sheet at Newcastle without even having to use their spanking new, bargain basement defender.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I had a really bloody nose, someone took me home back to my front garden and I just saw [Mo] Salah’s car by our house. I was still spaced out so I didn’t really know what was happening, but he got out of his car and posed for a picture” – in a story that even makes The Fiver feel warm inside, 11-year-old Reds fan Louis Fowler, who knocked himself out by running into a Liverpool lamppost as he chased Mo Salah’s car to wave at him, explains how the forward made a trip to his house to check he was all right.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: young Nick Livesey’s slur on Golas: as someone born in the mid-70s, Golas to me are Roy of the Rovers, rather than dodgy undercover cops outside a dodgy techno nightclub in what I assume was a dodgy part of town – big fish, little fish, cardboard box” – Daniel Kennedy.
“Unlike The Fiver family and their fancy metropolitan ways, I grew up in the Peak District and, as such, it’s good to see that Arsenal’s Gabriel Martinelli, who came on in the 84th minute against Newcastle United on Sunday, won the accolade that I dreamt of as a kid, Countryside Player of the Year” – Noble Francis.
“Your recent Liverpool/Beautiful South riff seems to have placed a curse on Allison. Hopefully he only needs A Little Time, and his first half on Friday won’t be One Last Love Song from him this season. Does Klopp need a replacement? I Think The Answer’s Yes and it could be someone from Rotterdam or anywhere, as long as it means we don’t have to bring back Karius, which would require watching matches From Under The Covers” – Tim Woods.
“Re: Fifa 19 commentary – sadly I didn’t mishear this Alan Smith gem, though not a day goes by where I wish I had: ‘Well that’s why they call him fishy, because he loves the chips!’ Just why would you say that out loud for other people to hear? Where does one even start trying to unpack a sentence like that?” – Stephen Dickinson.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day prize is … Stephen Dickinson, who gets a copy of 50 Years of Shoot! We have more to give away, so get scribbling.
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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
With Liverpool netminder and US sitcom housewife Alisson Becker suffering from calf-knack, Adrián! Adrián! has gone from West Ham exile to showpiece starter in Wednesday’s European Super Pot final against crisis club Chelsea. And with other Reds goalies also in the sick bay, Andy Lonergan, taken for a busman’s holiday this summer, may be due another go at the John Burridge role.
Paul Pogba says “a question mark remains” over his Manchester United future. “I give the maximum each time I am on a green pitch,” he pleaded, having set up two goals for Ole’s army on Sunday.
The transfer window for Premier League clubs may have SLAMMED SHUT but future targets are being set. In a preemptive move, Athletic Bilbao have tied down the striker Inaki Williams to a NINE-year contract and a €135m buyout clause. Allowing for exchange rates and dithering, Williams will thus cost Ed Woodward around £200m in January.
Paul Scholes reckons that Class of 92 plaything, Salford City, are aiming for the very top as they welcome Nasty Leeds to the Peninsula Stadium in the Fizzy Cup. “I know it’s a long way off, but the target has to be getting to the Premier League at some point,” he blathered.
And all bets are off for the Ballon d’Or after Romelu Lukaku scored four goals in his first run out for Inter against Serie D giants Virtus Bergamo.
STILL WANT MORE?
They’re back and they’re bigger and better than the same as ever: 10 talking points from the weekend’s Premier League action.
“When I got married I bought a flat next to the training ground.” Athletic Bilbao manager and old romantic, Gaizka Garitano, gets his chat on with Will Unwin.
Hungry Wolves can beat down the door to the top six but Big Vase may hold them back, writes big bad wolf Barry Glendenning.
“There’s a massive snobbery if you play the ball long.” Wimbledon boss Wally Downes chews the fat with Ben Fisher.
Manchester City were dead good at West Ham, reveals Jacob Steinberg.
Nicolas Pépé’s cameo appearance was almost more significant for Arsenal than the workaday win over Newcastle, writes floating football brain in a jar Jonathan Wilson.
Premier League pictures. Twelve of them. Right here!
“Girls see me on TV and know it’s possible”: Super Cup referee Stéphanie Frappart gets her chat on with Paul Doyle.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
