MAKE UNITED GREAT AGAIN
Trust the biased mainstream media to get it so badly wrong! Bloody typical. Earlier this week you might have seen footage of José Mourinho and Paul Pogba having a frosty exchange as Manchester United prepared to train after their shock Milk Cup defeat to Derby County. Or at least that’s what you thought you saw. It’s what they want you to think, get it? All part of the narrative, right? But luckily for you, you’ve come to one of the only independent outlets in the world. There’s no fooling The Fiver. A row? A falling out? Behave. Come on, we all know what really happened. Mourinho was congratulating Pogba on becoming the most popular athlete on Instachat and asking the midfielder how to get more likes on social media disgraces.
The love and respect between the pair brought a tear to The Fiver’s eye. Too many emotions. But obviously the hated MSM had to spin it into something else, forcing Mourinho to stick on his Muga (Make United Great Again) cap and set the record straight before Saturday’s trip to West Ham. “I think for you it was amazing because you made a story, an incredible story out of 15 minutes of open training session,” Mourinho tooted. “I don’t care about the cameras. What confrontation? What happened the other day happens many days, conversations with players I have many times. On Wednesday was not the case but loud criticism, loud instruction, happens every day. Coaching is about that but you make [a] story about it.”
Fortunately for the agenda-fuelled hacks in attendance, Mourinho stopped short of calling for a terrifying Twitterstorm that would have held the media to account for their disgusting lies and blatant half-truths. Yes, he pointed out that no player is bigger than the club. Yes, he revealed that he and his coaching staff have decided that “Paul is just a player and not a captain”. But it’s not like Mourinho’s handed Pogba’s penalty-taking duties to Phil Jones, is it? Open your eyes, see through the lies. You can’t trust anything you read. Unless you read it in a satirical tea-time email, where you can always count on unflinching and unbiased support for brave champions of the people like José.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“In football, sometimes something appears but it’s so lucky. Yes or no? That’s the truth! Come on, after four years, we know each other and we need to be honest” – Mauricio Pochettino seems to confirm that Spurs tried to get rid of Gareth Bale during early struggles at the club.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
It’s only TV’s (from about 18 minutes) Football Weekly Extra.
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FIVER LETTERS
“José Mourinho and his backhanded compliments can come and be a manager at my work. None of them has ever told me I’m good at anything” – Jonathan Alphonsus.
“So Spurs got lucky with Bale, says the man who joined Tottenham Hotspur when they already had Harry Kane, Christian Eriksen, Jan Vertonghen, Danny Rose, Kyle Walker, Mousa Dembélé (when he was good) and Hugo Lloris” – Noble Francis.
“Brendan MacCarron (and 1,056 others) in yesterday’s Fiver letters asked why The Fiver didn’t use the lazy option of copy and paste. That assumes The Fiver has the IT knowledge to know that function exists. I’ve always imagined it typing capital letters by pressing caps lock, TYPING THE LETTER, THEN PRESSING CAPS LOCK AGAIN. Or otherwise just turning in The Fiver handwritten in crayon on the back of an envelope, that’s probably more like it” – Paul Thomas.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Jonathan Alphonsus.
BITS AND BOBS
Former Milan owner and erstwhile bunga bunga aficionado Silvio Berlusconi has returned to football by buying Serie C side Monza. “It’s a romantic move, an act of love from Berlusconi and myself,” cheered chief suit Adriano Galliani. “If we’re able to get Silvio Berlusconi excited again we can do great things,” he added, conjuring unpleasant mental images.
Pep Guardiola is feeling chipper about Kevin De Bruyne’s recovery from knee-knack. “He’s making the last steps,” cheered Guardiola. “Everything is going well.” The less so about Benjamin Mendy, mind.
Hearts manager Craig Levein isn’t entirely impressed with Scottish fitba suits’ decision to schedule their Cup semi-final against the Queen’s Celtic at 7.45pm on a Sunday. “It’s the craziest thing I’ve probably experienced in football,” he screamed. “How they have come to this decision is just beyond belief. It’s just madness, honestly. There are so many things that could go wrong.”
Forest Green are living up to their name after the UN awarded the League Two club a climate action award for going carbon neutral.
Newcastle’s Salomón Rondón is out for several weeks with thigh-twang.
Cardiff manager Neil Warnock reckons his side’s poor start to the season is down to a pesky computer. “The fixture list has not been kind to us, the first 10 games we play seven of the top teams from last year,” he sobbed. “It is a little bit cruel on us, but we just have to hang in there.”
And Slaven Bilic has signed a three-year deal to coach Saudi Arabian side Al Ittihad.
STILL WANT MORE?
Trivia corner: not many people know this but Pearl Jam’s first album was named after our regular Premier League things to look out for this weekend column.
Seema Jaswal gets her chat on with Nick Ames.
Fifa must do more to highlight quality in the women’s game, writes Eni Aluko.
Denis Odoi talks to Jacob Steinberg about life at Fulham, going to school with Dries Mertens and London’s best coffee shops.
Paul MacInnes chats to helicopter-ridin’, deal-makin’, Paxman-baitin’ Mr 20% Jon Smith.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
