This might sound like a reach – or, at the very least, the foolish ramblings of a man long past the point of no return – but does anyone else get the feeling that Take Me Out is going to fix everything? The ITV dating show is back this weekend after an abnormally long absence. In fact, it has been suggested that this new series was filmed more than a year ago and ITV has just been irresponsibly sitting on it. Who knows why. Maybe his new Top Gear obligations made Paddy McGuinness less of a poster boy for romance? Maybe ITV wanted to give prominence to other big-hitting Saturday night blockbusters like, oh, The Chase? No, that can’t be it. Maybe ITV just hates us? That’s the most logical explanation.
Either way, rejoice. For Take Me Out returns just in time to save the world. Everything else might be on fire. The country might have slid into the toilet in the eyes of the wider world. Brexit may have torn your family limb from limb. But in Take Me Out, at least, we have a semblance of stability.
Nothing ever changes on this show. It is still noisy and boisterous. It still occupies the same mental spot between ‘Oh God, this clothes shop is too young for me’ and ‘Oh God, there’s a hen party on this train’. McGuinness is still everyone’s best friend. The dates are still excruciating. The catchphrases are still naff. Take Me Out remains the television equivalent of detaching your brain and dropping it into a hot tub for an hour. It is broadly, shamelessly entertaining and quite frankly, we all need it very badly.
For me, Take Me Out is a throwback to the more innocent days of 2010, when people weren’t forced towards the musty psychodrama of BBC Parliament for kicks. Those were the days before everyone began tweeting furious missives at Question Time until their blood pressure skyrocketed out of control and their neck exploded. Back then we knew what real entertainment was. It was watching a man called Damion systematically alienate an entire nation in the most excruciating manner imaginable.
This is down to its simplicity. There are no big stakes here. It is a simple show, but one that matters so much to all of the contestants. All the different contestants. The swaggering, flexing bend–down–and–wink lads that remind you of everyone who bullied you at school. The too–eager–to–please miscasts who make your heart soar just by getting to the end intact. The creepy older guys. The obvious millionaires who send the women into fits of lust. The girls who know that the best way to be picked is to heavily allude to oral sex. They all want to win Take Me Out very very badly.
And that’s what I enjoy. We are all struggling through an age of equally opposed and deeply entrenched ideologies that has left the country in a permanent state of stalemate. But watch Take Me Out. There is none of that here, because there is nothing on Earth as single–minded as the horny youth. If they want something, they will stop at nothing to get it. If they don’t want something, they will let you know immediately. No likey, no lighty. It is as simple as that. If the country was being run by Lois from the 2012 series – who stuck to her guns and wouldn’t budge until she landed herself a date with Joe Swash – then everything would have been sorted out long ago. There are many reasons to watch Take Me Out on Saturday, but that is mine. I guess it would just be nice to see people make effective decisions again.
Take Me Out begins on Saturday at 7.15pm, ITV
