To the computerised pages of Parade magazine, now, and the sobering realisation that no amount of sex with Angelina Jolie - nor compulsive orphan acquisition with the same - can blot out the pain of being Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt has ALWAYS felt a pervasive sadness. Not Lost in Showbiz's words, but the words of Brad Pitt, who breaks this week's (today's?) silence to declare: "I've always felt a pervasive sadness."
It's all there: the kindergarten angst about which religion gives people the best shot at heaven, his teenage crisis of faith, the realisation that he was different from the other kids, his need to find meaning, the suggestion the human race is "all cells of one body", the revelation that he and Angelina have been run out of every major US city. Also: Ben Affleck should run for political office. (AFFLECK?? Consider our sadness officially pervaded.)
Clearly, though, Brad Pitt's message is clear. Until world leaders, heads of multinational corporations, and Illuminati members not covered by either of the latter descriptions sit down together and agree to stop their selfish planet hurtin' and fix this screwed-up world, Brad Pitt will unleash one of these agonising interviews every day, leaving him with no time to make the succour-giving Brad Pitt movies for which these chats are the promotional material, and leaving you with nothing to tell your grandchildren when they ask what you did in the Great Brad Pitt Vehicle Shortage of the early 21st century.
Dystopian enough for ya? Then write to your Mr & Mrs Smith-loving elected representative TODAY.
