Congratulations to Madame Tussauds, which has released this week’s most surreally creepy video. Following certain news in the world of celebrity, Tussauds has formally separated its likenesses of Dannii Minogue and David Spade. Or “Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt”, as its official press release has it. But really: look at the evidence.
Either way, the news is accompanied by an amusing film sequence. I find myself slightly mesmerised by the Tussauds’ operative obsessively brushing Brad’s dinner jacket lapel, like some Downton Abbey butler fussing away at his master, even though they both know it will take far more than bristle to shift the shitstain of a category five PR campaign unleashed by the 17-times winner of the Humanitarian Mother of the Year award. Presumably by design, the brushing is watched over by the adjacent figure of Morgan Freeman, who I imagine is delivering an elegiac voiceover – because that’s what he does – in which we are encouraged to think of this Hollywood divorce as a redemptive tale that ultimately attests to the conquering power of the human spirit.
As for Brad’s estranged wife, we cut to the waxworks’ ladies maid, who is fixing Angelina’s diamante necklace, which has a glint far inferior to that in madam’s own eye. Tussauds has positioned Angelina next to Nicole Kidman, who is presumably advising her to tip off the paps when she finally gets the decree nisi, and recreate her iconic image of liberation from Tom Cruise.
Excitingly for former Twilight star Robert Pattinson, he has been placed between the sundered couple – quite the biggest thing he’s been in for years. However, the atmosphere is currently so fevered that we should expect Robert to have to issue a statement denying any involvement – waxen or otherwise – in the split.
“We reacted quickly to yesterday’s news of the separation of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt,” heavy-breathes Tussauds’ press release. “The couple’s wax figures, which were launched in 2013, have been split up and are now featured at a respectful distance from each other.”
Well, they are currently. But if things continue in this direction, you have to think Brad is just a few more front pages from being formally moved over the trapdoor, and only a few more from being melted down and reshaped into Mary Berry.
