Lost in Showbiz’s hero of the week is One Direction’s Zayn Malik, for his bold and uncompromising determination to bring curtains back as a feasible contemporary haircut.
The unveiling of Zayn’s new style this week – part grown-out Take That-era Robbie Williams, part 90% of the entire cast of Point Break – has unlocked the small but staunch demographic that, until now, had steadfastly refused to hop aboard the One Direction bandwagon: the 35-year-old man.
Previously, the 35-year-old man was oblivious to the charms of One Direction. “Why does my daughter like them?” he thought at his clenched fists every night. “Why can’t I tell any of them apart? Did they call that song Best Song Ever because they genuinely thought it was the best song ever, or because they deliberately wanted to confuse me?”
But now all is clear. Ever since Zayn shook his head and unfurled those glorious curtains before a startled world, the 35-year-old man has nothing but admiration for the group. Because, 20 years ago, he too had that haircut. Sure, he was mocked for it. Sure, it prevented him from getting a girlfriend at school. But he stood by it, and now one of the most famous men on the planet has repaid this dedication by replicating his regrettable hair-sculpture in full.
Zayn has become a slice of walking, talking nostalgia for these men. Remember what it was like to have an unflattering haircut in the 90s? No need, because Zayn’s got one now. He’s taken our failed dreams and rejuvenated them. Without hyperbole, he has become the version of us that we always wanted to be. All he needs now is to walk onstage in a marketstall Naf Naf bomber jacket and a pair of purple Burton’s jeans and we’ll love him for ever.
