Super stay in NY with Nimco, Zaccie and Bozzie. Worried about emissions but Stanley said simply offset by refusing airline plastic cutlery. Game-changer! More environmentalists should follow suit! Asked where Bozzie was.
Stanley: “Désolé, dear girl, strictly hush-hush, but my son the PM said to mention that anything Arcuri-related is, I quote, ‘humbug’, though I will not deny that any red-blooded Johnson would be tempted by her magnificent teeth and embonpoint, a propos, as a fellow conservationist, you should have seen the great tits at the feeder this – ”
Ring B. He picks up, for once. Me: “Explain”.
“Any contact focused, exclusively, on my commitment to women and girls, worldwide.”
“Liar!”
“If only the venerable Madam Arcuri, who does not in point of fact exist, and whom j’ai never visited dans her mythical Shoreditch eyrie, had possessed a fraction of your wisdom – ow, must go, Ottie, war wound playing up, aargh.”
“Liar! And don’t think I’m letting you anywhere near Greta Thunberg.”
Left NY before the hotel spotted the damage and all too soon I was alone again. Alone! Ignore latest sign on spare room (“Odyssean HQ: No MPs, judges or girls”).
Me: Where’s Dilyn?
Dom (mid-howl): What part of fuck off do you not understand?
Me: Dilyn! You were dogsitting, remember?
Dom: Dog? You thick or mad? As your concerned line manager, now is when you fuck off home to mummy.
Me (texting): Telling Boris.
Dom: Alas he is fully occupied on my behalf, inciting hatred, violence and, in the inevitable emergency, the death of parliamentary sovereignty.
Me: But Bozzie adores parliamentary sovereignty!
Dom: You’re thinking of women and girls.
As told to Catherine Bennett
