Thanks for joining me for tonight’s ‘action’. Here is Ben Fisher’s report.
Updated
The football is not over ... join Rob Smyth for a match which might be better.
Bournemouth look like they’re going down and Spurs look like they’re going nowhere. Which is worse?
Something to hold onto ...
Immense 👏
— AFC Bournemouth (@afcbournemouth) July 9, 2020
No shots on target conceded in #BOUTOT ⛔️#afcb 🍒 pic.twitter.com/FCbXRNSEAa
Dom ‘you don’t get much for 15 million quid these days’ Salmon says: “Not to enrage the non-Stephen Carr Stephen Carr further, but Jose’s bunce is just the tip of the iceberg. If you factor in his backroom staff It will be the thick end of half as much again, and to fire them, Levy will be paying them probably twice that to flounce out taking their ‘Triple respect’ with them.
“Post that, I’d like Daniel to know I am available to shout ‘away, Kane-o, get rid’ on the touch line for considerably less , and if kept drunk enough by the Brew Dog franchise, I will throw in picking fights with players, press and fans Gratis. I know money will be tight.”
I am sure Mr Levy reads this blog.
Alan McIntyre says: “Spurs obviously don’t like playing in that pale blue kit .. or is it just the Mourinho effect?”
Mourinho makes me feel blue.
Callum Wilson and King drop to the ground at full-time, a sign of how utterly knackered they both are.
Updated
Full-time
Two really poor teams were evenly matched for 113 minutes. Sadly, almost all of those minutes were dreadful. Bournemouth will feel they should have won it and now just live in hope that somehow three teams in the Premier League are even worse than them, which seems unlikely.
Spurs, on the other hand, need to work out how to improve for next season. Maybe they should look at their manager ...
Updated
90+10 (100) mins: Ramsdale has knacked his hamstring but is willing to carry on. Not only that, he is adding to all the stoppage time. Come on, mate, some of us want to eat.
Really pleased to bring the ton up here.
90+8 mins: Ndombele drives into the box and straight into Harry Wilson. The Spurs man wants a penalty but does not get one as he deliberately ran into Wilson.
King tries to break from a Spurs corner but is dispossessed by Davies and then catches the Welshman.
90+6 mins: Harry Wilson should put Bournemouth ahead after being found in lots of space by a wondrous King pass but the Liverpool loanee’s dink is repelled by the onrushing Lloris.
Updated
90+4 mins: Gedson throws himself to the ground in the hope of winning a free-kick in the corner. Rico gets his own back by kicking the ball off the Spurs man to give Bournemouth a goal-kick. Clever from the Spaniard.
90+2 mins: King drives into the box from the left and wins a corner. Hopefully the disallowed goal will give Bournemouth some hope they can score a legal one.
NO GOAL!
90 mins: Possibly the most mediocre overhead kick in history ends up in the back of the net. A free-kick is lumped into the box and bounces around until Callum Wilson positions himself to nudge it towards the net but it dribbles in after flicking King’s arm and VAR rules it out.
Twelve minutes added on.
Updated
89 mins: There could be more than 10 minutes of injury time. Actually, there should be around 12 or 13, I reckon. Especially now Aurier is down injured after falling badly at the byline and hurting his already bandaged wrist.
87 mins: Gosling also goes into the book for a hilarious hacking down of Lamela.
85 mins: Bournemouth are upset after the referee blows up very late for a dreadful foul by Ndombele on Callum Wilson. Their anger was due to the fact that Stanislas sprinted away and chipped the ball into the box for King to nod in. Sadly, for all involved, Stanislas was offside. On the upside, Ndombele was cautioned.
Peter Oh says: “Re: 49 min. No room in the all-time balloon XI for English greats Valve Ramsey, Paul Gas-coigne or the Dutchman Danny Blimp?”
Alas ...
83 mins: Spurs now look very much on top and Bournemouth only have one substitution opening in which to make their final few changes. Could be crucial.
Aurier drives a low cross but it is deflected wide. The corner is then cleared out for another, which comes to nothing.
81 mins: Aurier has put in around 10 crosses today. Fair play to him. He must be annoyed that no one has got on the end of one with real purpose.
“Considering the football on show, what this mbm needs is a 7/10 Keane anecdote,” says Paul Fitzgerald.
Possibly, Paul.
79 mins: Another Aurier cross finds Lamela in the box but the Argentine can only flick it onwards and wide. Spurs have finally woken up!
77 mins: Moura is on for Spurs, with Sissoko the man replaced. Hopefully that is a positive change.
“I have a theory,” says Andrew Pearson. “Jose has been taken on to keep the seat warm while Poch takes a deserved break. I can dream, can’t I?”
Dream away.
75 mins: And we are having a drinks break. Plenty of resting in this half.
73 mins: This will end 0-0, won’t it?
71 mins: Aurier once again gets in down the right and sends in a dangerous low cross into the box but Ake is in the right position to turn it behind. The corner comes to nothing.
Wilson earns Bournemouth a corner down the other end by driving to the byline, before getting crowded out. King heads the subsequent corner wide.
Stephen Carr (not that one) says: “Levy - a man with such a reputation for squeaking the pips on a deal, yet he sanctioned jizzing £15m a year on Mourinho to produce this beggars belief. Its beyond turgid.”
The Guardian does not condone the use of the word jizzing.
69 mins: The two injuries have made the match even slower, which is a feat.
67 mins: Harry Wilson replaces the stricken Brooks. He scored twice in the reverse fixture, which might help.
65 mins: Referee Tierney, who has had a poor game, gives Spurs a foul after Ndombele piles into Lerma.
Bournemouth clear another Aurier cross, which falls to Winks 30 yards from goal but his volley ends up about 20 yards over the bar.
Oh .. and now Brooks is heading off with a calf issue.
63 mins: Smith is eventually taken off on a stretcher. Stacey on.
61 mins: Some good news ...
Smith thankfully conscious and having a joke with Harry Kane. "Smithy you're still ugly," Kane tells him.
— Dan Kilpatrick (@Dan_KP) July 9, 2020
59 mins: Smith is still being treated and is yet to be moved to a stretcher. Everyone right to use plenty of caution with an injury like this.
57 mins: Smith is to be replaced by Stacey. The right-back got inhumanely clattered by Davies and now needs to be stretchered off.
55 mins: Calls for a penalty by Bournemouth as Wilson goes down under pressure from Vertonghen in the box but the referee is having one of it.
Smith gets another whacking from Davies and it looks like the Bournemouth man might be out cold. There are lots of medical staff on to deal with it.
Updated
53 mins: A long ball is lumped out towards the right where Aurier jumps with Rico, resulting in a clash of heads. The Spaniard comes off worse but eventually gets up to check his teeth are all intact. Luckily, they are.
51 mins: Kane lines up a free-kick 25 yards from goal after Lamela is fouled. The Spurs skipper whacks it into the wall and, more specifically, into the stomach of Adam Smith who is down in agony. That has to hurt.
49 mins: Spurs have started the half looking bright, with Ndombele giving off the impression he might not be as bad as Mourinho makes out.
Mac Millings has used lockdown well.
Further to Peter Oh’s submission half an hour before kickoff, here is the Official All-Time Balloon XI:
Gasper Schmeichel
Infleighton Baines
Hot-airy Butcher
Alan Balloon
Helium Brady
Thomas Partey
Expandy Townsend
Pop Robson
Floathar Matthäus
Joezeppelinton
Geoff Burst
47 mins: There is some early admin for us as Mourinho has taken off Bergwijn and Lo Celso, who barely touched it between them. Ndombele and Son have replaced. Hopefully these changes will make Spurs less awful to watch.
Second half
Here we go again!
Mary Waltz offers: “When Keane walks into a restaurant, do the chefs tremble in fear hoping that their idea of medium rare is the same as his?”
I assume so. I worked at ITV Sport for five years and had to interview Keane a couple of times. I can tell you two 7/10 Keane anecdotes if you ask nicely and send me wine.
“Will Unwin,” is the formal opening from Mike Welch.
“Thanks much for swinging wide the gate for me to release my irrational inability to fairly judge Erik Lamela’s soccerball skills because of his ridiculous hair. I haven’t closely reviewed the latest, which appears to consist of dollops of some sort of meringue-based bleach pomade. But it’s just the latest in a series of kewpie-doll styles that cannot be excused by youth.
“Send me an invoice.”
Like Graeme Souness, I judge all footballers based on their hair.
Now Keane is laying into how poor Spurs area. I wish I could be as angry as Keane about everything.
Keane and Evra are spending half-time pointing out that Spurs should have had a penalty for King’s push on Kane.
Evra: “I think the referee should go home in a taxi.” It’s the way you tell ‘em, Pat.
Ed Aarons beat me at tennis on Tuesday but I am happy to be the bigger man and promote his work here:
Half-time
Spurs have been frighteningly mediocre, while Bournemouth have looked dangerous without getting close to scoring. Bottom line: not a classic.
45 mins: Stanislas works some space for himself on the edge of the box, allowing him to drag a low shot at goal but Lloris reads it and palms it behind.
Two minutes added on.
44 mins: Lamela picks up the ball 30 yards from goal, skips forward a few yards and then lets fly with his wand of a left foot but it goes well over the bar. At least I had hope for a second.
42 mins: Winks passes the ball straight out of play for some reason or other. Not the midfielder’s best work.
40 mins: Lamela, still angered by his choice of hairstyle, slides in to take the ball off Rico but instead gives away a free-kick. He gets the ball, to be fair, but the referee sees it differently. Stanislas whips in the free-kick but it bounces straight to Lloris.
38 mins: Some lovely buildup play by Spurs allows Aurier to put in a cross from the right but he hits the first defender. I can understand how people are frustrated with Aurier’s output. The subsequent free-kick is lumped into Ramsdale’s arms.
36 mins: Bournemouth have a corner but it is sent over everyone and out for a throw-in. Please, Cherries, make better decisions.
Mary Waltz is committed to this MBM: “Watching Everton, my team, tracking Spurs on your MBM. Southampton is dominating my boys,sigh, just nicked a goal after missing a pen.”
34 mins: Bournemouth definitely look like they have more intent about their attacking play, while Spurs are going through the motions.
32 mins: Pushing and shoving between the two midfields, as Lerma and Sissoko give each other a nudge after a clash. Both go into the book to keep the referee busy.
Lerma’s 11th booking on the season. A true great of the modern era.
30 mins: The frenetic pace pre-drinks break has dropped, with Bournemouth quite content to just knock is around at the back until the ball is lumped down the other end. If Wilson had read it, he might have got onto the end of the long ball but instead Lloris comes to clear.
28 mins: Bournemouth have put a lot of dangerous crosses into the box but have only actually won a single header in the opposition area.
Aurier puts in his second vicious cross of the match from the right, which Ake heads behind. The Dutchman also caught Lamela in the process with a painful one.
26 mins: Bournemouth have just used the long throw as a weapon and it caused some concern in the box before Vertonghen cleared. Bournemouth might be trying to sign Andy Legg during the window.
How did you use the drink break? Get a snack? Open some Barolo?
Spurs really upping their game, Ron.
@Will_Unwin Very impressed by #Spurs today. Seem to be playing at least as well as #Bournemouth
— @ronstack (@ronstack) July 9, 2020
24 mins: Bournemouth are growing in confidence, that’s for sure. They are zipping passes around and frequently getting crosses into the box to be attacked.
Sadly, they will lose their momentum as the drinks break is beginning.
22 mins: Lamela takes Gosling down, which at least means we get a close up of the Argentines hair. Rico pumps the subsequent free-kick into the box for Lerma to head back across goal for Ake to attack but Kane gets in the way and flicks it clear before the Dutchman can head home.
20 mins: Stanislas swings in a dangerous free-kick from the right but Davies reads it well and clears before a Bournemouth play can reach it.
The subsequent corner is whipped in, Kane heads it up in the air and it brushes Aurier’s hand on the way down but VAR once again shakes its head.
18 mins: “De Bruyne, Salah et al at Chelsea,” Digvijay Yadav says. “Pogba and Martial at United. Ndombele now. If Spurs had a more proactive board they’d pull the plug before he does real damage.”
Martial and Pogba certainly outlasted him at United, at least.
16 mins: Spurs still in control here. Bournemouth seem happy to let them play.
14 mins: Alderweireld tries to play a long ball for Aurier to chase on the flank but instead whacks it out for a goal-kick. Not a classic pass.
Richard Warner emails to say:
“You said (see 6 mins): “VAR has a look but says the incident does not merit a penalty. I think it might have but Spurs taking the lead at this stage could ruin this match.”
“I hope you’re only half-serious here, because if not, all is lost, man. All is lost.”
If you’re here for serious comment, Richard, you’re in the wrong place.
12 mins: Lo Celso is penalised for a hack on Wilson, gifting Bournemouth a free-kick and causing the Spurs man to limp off.
JR says: “A Jose Mourinho team’s “attack” versus this Bournemouth side’s “defence” is the classic matchup of a moveable force versus a resistible object.
“Also, Lerma’s going to get red carded in this one, probably after a tangle with Lamela.”
Something to look forward to.
10 mins: Bournemouth get some possession in and around the Spurs box. The end result is King darting for goal and earning a corner. If he had let the ball go quicker, he could have played a teammate in.
Colum Farrelly has been in touch once more: “Oh, Will. Now you have made me leave the MBM to turn on the TV to see Erik Lamela’s hair. And I do try to avoid seeing a Spurs team in a Mourinho 10-0-0 formation. Bah.”
It’s a bit more attacking than that, to be fair.
8 mins: Spurs are dominating possession here. Bournemouth might be chasing shadows for quite a while.
Confirmation that it should have been a pen from Baz.
How is that not a penalty for the shove on Harry Kane by Josh King? #var
— Barry Glendenning (@bglendenning) July 9, 2020
6 mins: A Spurs corner is swung in towards Kane, who is barged into by King, caused by the Bournemouth man not looking where he was going. VAR has a look but says the incident does not merit a penalty. I think it might have but Spurs taking the lead at this stage could ruin this match.
Updated
4 mins: Davies whacks the ball clear but is caught on the top of his boot by Brooks for his troubles. Not very friendly from his international teammate.
Down the other end, Aurier swings in a dangerous cross along the six-yard line, which flicks off Rico and bounces towards the back post for Smith to turn behind. Bournemouth looking pretty ropey already.
2 mins: Bournemouth pump it long from kick-off, which you do not see very often nowadays. A true sign of Sunday league intent.
If I stop providing updates at any point, it will be because I have become too distracted by Lamela’s hair. It looks like he has been stood below a flock of defecating seagulls on the pier.
Updated
Kick-off
Peep! Peep! Peep! Here we go!
Can players safely socially distance themselves in the stands at the Vitality? It’s not a big place. Some subs might need to sit behind the goal.
Since the announcement that five-a-side football is about to return, I have received 10 emails about arranging a match. It turns out people really do like football.
Impatient Jose.
Tobias Peggs is the latest person to email in, saving me from thinking for myself.
“Spurs fan here (and Englishman in absolutely sweltering New York),” says Tobias.
“There are two big problems with that Spurs line up:
1 - The back 4 isn’t good enough (Toby and Jan once were, but are way past it now).
2 - The front 4 could be electric (especially with another 4 of Sessegnon, Ndombele, Lucas and Son to come off the bench at any point to maintain the high-octane potential). But Mourinho doesn’t seem to do any work with them.
“The tactical instructions don’t seem too far away from Redknapp telling Pavlyuchenko to “effing run around a bit”. Add Sissoko’s less than silky touch to Winks’ “promise” (we want him to do well so badly, but he’s yet to really dominate games like we need), and you’ve got a Bournemouth win coming right up.
“I so hope I’m wrong. COYS! But their current form is not exactly lifting my mood from the lockdown-inflicted gloom.”
Chin up, at least it is warm in New York. It’s miserable in London.
Colum Farrelly says: “Ah, Will, that Optajoe stat at 17:27 is the kind of nonsense that Motty used to come out with. So what if a Mourinho team playing 4-2-3-1 hasn’t lost away on a Thursday when Ian Rush is playing? It has no relevance to tonight’s game!”
Look, we all need nonsense stats at this stage of the season. Ian Rush only makes the bench for Spurs tonight, which gives greater hope to Bournemouth.
Roy Keane might struggle to get really angry here. I suspect he can’t get too frustrated about Aaron Ramsdale’s kicking.
Peter Oh emails to point out that my choice of top image is potentially deflating. Peter also uses this joke but I don’t have any other balloon-based humour: “The pre-match photo is encouraging to the home fans. Although Bournemouth’s recent results have been deflating, clearly Eddie Howe has got everyone pumped up for tonight’s contest. “
The even better news is that I’ve been watching the cricket on Sky Sports Main Event and it’s going straight to Bournemouth v Spurs. I don’t even need to change the channel. I can use that extra four seconds to review how awful Bournemouth are.
Some good news for Mourinho ...
24 - José Mourinho has never lost a Premier League away game against a side starting the day in the relegation zone, with the Portuguese winning 18 and drawing six of his 24 such games. Scourge. pic.twitter.com/o88LEcTvvU
— OptaJoe (@OptaJoe) July 9, 2020
Eddie Howe has a battle on to keep Bournemouth in the Premier League but he denies his team have become complacent with their top-flight status.
“To say we are an established Premier League club – I don’t think we could ever say that,” Howe said.
“And that’s no disrespect to us as a club but with everything that we have to fight against, in the sense of the size of the club, and the facilities. You could go through the whole club, and to say that we are an established Premier League club in any department I’d say would be wrong.
“We had to consistently fight against the odds to stay here. So I don’t think from my side, and I think that’s the most important thing, because I would dictate the mentality of the players. Other people, I’m not in control of what they think.
“Every year we are in the Premier League is so, so special. For me it is an amazing achievement to do that.
“And then my hope was that we could build the club from the inside out, because you don’t go from being a League Two club to a Premier League club in the time that we did and not have areas of the club that we need to develop.”
Mourinho has had his say on Dier’s ban.
Starting lineups
Bournemouth: Ramsdale, Smith, Ake, Kelly, Rico, Brooks, Lerma, Gosling, Stanislas, C Wilson, King
Subs: Boruc, Stacey, S Cook, Surman, Danjuma, H Wilson, Solanke, Surrindge
Spurs: Lloris, Aurier, Alderweireld, Vertonghen, Davies, Winks, Sissoko, Lo Celso, Lamela, Bergwijn, Kane
Subs: Gazzaniga, Sanchez, White, Sessegnon, Slip, Gedson, Ndombele, Lucas, Son
Preamble
Good evening!
Bournemouth have not won in their last eight Premier League games, securing a solitary point against Chelsea on the last day of February. Since the restart they have looked like a Championship side, barely impacting any game they have played in. Their pitiful nature has left them second bottom and four points from safety, a gap that is still closable due to poor quality of the teams above them.
Visiting is José Mourinho and his band of miserable men. Since the Portuguese arrived in north London there has been no noticeable improvement. If anything, Spurs have gone backwards, proved by their positioning in 10th. There is a hope of European football, even if Mourinho might not be too keen on playing in the continent’s secondary competition.
Eric Dier will not be at the Vitality Stadium, which is good news for any abusive cardboard cutouts in the stands, after he was given a four-match ban for confronting a fan months back.
What can we expect from today? Not a clue. Spurs have won two, drawn and lost one since the triumphant return of football, while Bournemouth might never pick up another Premier League point again.
Let’s just hope there are some antics. We all want antics.
