That dramatic end will probably obscure what was a terrific game. City deserved to win, though Bournemouth were heroic and clever and will take a huge amount out of this game. I need a lie-down after that. Thanks for your company and emails, bye!
Full time: Bournemouth 1-2 Manchester City
In the 101st minute, Mike Dean blows the final whistle and City have won.
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90+11 min There were only supposed to be five minutes of added time!
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90+10 min John Stones has come on for somebody or other. Some finish this!
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Raheem Sterling is sent off!
I did wonder whether this might happen. Sterling, already booked, went into the crowd after scoring and so he receives a second yellow card before Bournemouth kick off. A few of them might have gone, in truth, and Kompany and Ake should have been off earlier.
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90+9 min What a finish! Before that, Mousset was booked for flattening someone. King really should have won it for Bournemouth by playing Gosling in just before that.
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That is so cruel on Bournemouth. City’s players are going mad, they are all in with the crowd. It was such a scruffy goal. Danilo’s low cross from the right came to Sterling, who got it out of his feet and hit a shot that took a deflection off Surman and looped slowly, agonisingly into the corner.
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GOAL! Bournemouth 1-2 Manchester City (Sterling 90+7)
City have won it!
90+6 min Bournemouth almost steal the win! King robbed Mendy and had a two v one. He should have played Gosling through but went on his own and hit a good 25-yard shot that was pushed away by the diving Ederson. King has been Bournemouth’s best player but he got that badly wrong.
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90+6 min There were supposed to be five minutes of added time but there have been a few stoppages in that time so on we go. Daniels stoops to head Sane’s brilliant deep cross behind for a corner.
90+5 min Smith becomes the 87th person to be booked, and rightly so, for a bad tackle on Sane.
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90+4 min The substitute Afobe is coming off. He was flattened in an aerial challenge with Kompany, and will be replaced by Lys Mousset.
90+3 min Arter does superbly to dispossess Sterling, who trips him petulantly and is booked.
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90+2 min The corner is eventually taken and half cleared to Sterling, who wallops it into orbit from 25 yards. City, for all their brilliant play, have not given Begovic that much to do.
90 min City win a corner. Guardiola continues to make a bit of a fool of himself, complaining demonstratively to Eddie Howe about Bournemouth’s unsporting reluctance to play basketball against a side with significantly greater resources. Mike Dean comes over to tell both managers off.
89 min Pep Guardiola is stomping round the touchline with an affronted coupon. He knows that, on chances alone, City should have nine points rather than five.
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87 min Hello, somebody’s put their tanks on Mac Millings’ lawn! It’s all going to go off now. Here’s Pjotr van Rooijen with his Ocean’s XI.
- David Seaman
- Jordi Albacore
- Sole Campbell
- Prawn Terry
- Goby Alderweireld
- Cod Makelele
- Sea Bream Affelay
- Shark Ji-Sung
- Eric Canned Tuna
- Gareth Whale
- Salmon Kalou
Subs: Pike Smalling, Bobby Remora, Dory Delap, Angler Di Maria, Tuna Koné.
Manager: Harry Red Snapper
Assistant: Garry Monkfish
Match Report: Squid Lowe.”
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86 min ... and Aguero curls it well wide. Begovic waved it away. He’s had an excellent game. There haven’t been any spectacular saves, but he’s made a lot of solid stops and looked calm throughout.
86 min Sterling makes an electric diagonal run from the right and is brought down by Arter, who is booked. City have a free-kick 22 yards from goal...
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84 min Mendy’s low cross is shinned across his own area by Ake, and David Silva sidefoots it into orbit from 10 yards. The challenge of Daniels did just enough to put him off.
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83 min Pep Guardiola is having another fierce go at the fourth official.
82 min The superb Gabriel Jesus is coming off, to be replaced by Leroy Sane.
80 min “Continuing your fishy riff, I remember an FA Cup match at Anfield in 1980 when Grimsby Town were the visitors,” says Simon Gill. “Once victory was assured (the Reds won 5-0) the crowd entertained themselves with fishy paeans to the Liverpool team - I remember Phil Eel and Kenny Dogfish, but there must have been plenty of others too.”
79 min Mendy is booked for a cynical foul on King, who had made another of his effective solo counter-attacks.
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78 min Bournemouth are hanging on now, as they were at the end of the first half. Danilo’s dangerous low cross into the six-yard area is beaten away excellently by the diving Begovic.
77 min “What a player this boy is, honestly,” enthuses Alan Smith after another piece of skill from Jesus. He’s still only 20.
76 min Steve Cook is booked for a late tackle on Jesus.
75 min Otamendi hits the post! De Bruyne’s dipping corner from the left found him weirdly unmarked onto the six-yard line. He strained his neck muscles to produce a downward header back across goal, and it bounced up to hit the post with Begovic unmoved.
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74 min “Millings’ sterling work (as always) put me in mind of the period where Charlton’s back four were Young, Fish, Costa, Fortune,” says Matt Dony. “Simple things, and all that...”
It’s what Millings would have wanted.
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73 min A Bournemouth change: Jermain Defoe is replaced by Benik Afobe.
72 min Fernandinho shuffles smartly away from Gosling, 25 yards out, and hits a fierce low shot that is smartly saved by Begovic. Moments later, Daniels’ tackle on Sterling divers the ball to Aguero, whose low shot from 15 yards is too close to Begovic. That was a good chance.
71 min “How could Mac Millings omit Mark Fish from his all-time Fish XI?!” sniffs Alex Khadivi.
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70 min City come again in this superb match, enjoying a long spell of possession. The better Bournemouth play, the more you feel the match has late heartbreak written all over it.
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69 min City are annoyed again when Mike Dean rejects a penalty appeal. Aguero went down after a collision with Smith. That’s all it was, a collision. If anything it was a foul by Aguero.
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68 min Otamendi is booked for doing something nasty to Defoe. At the moment, Bournemouth look the likelier scorers.
67 min Kompany, who has been booked, is lucky that Mike Dean doesn’t spot him shoving Defoe over off the ball. That’s 1-1 in the red-cards-that-weren’t stakes.
67 min “‘What kind of barbaric dystopia is this, Michael?’” says Hubert O’Hearn. “Thank you for that Rob! I’d give anything for an actual footballer to say similar in a post-match interview. ‘’I have recaptured something of the verdant rapacity of my youth,’ said Wayne Rooney on Match of the Day...””
Where are the YouTube clips of Jorge Valdano’s post-match interviews when you need them?
66 min A Manchester City substitution: Sergio Aguero replaces Bernardo Silva. It looks like City will play a 4-1-3-2 now.
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63 min This has been a cracking game, and Bournemouth are starting to threaten again. Defoe takes Surman’s pass in his stride and almost wriggles away from the last man Otamendi.
61 min Josh King hits the post! Fernandino was robbed in a dangerous area by a combination of Arter and Daniels. Arter crossed to low to King, who curled a first-time effort with his left effort from just inside the area. Ederson didn’t move and it smacked off the face of the post.
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60 min A brief lull allows us to turn our attention to more important matters: it’s a new Mac Millings XI!
“Wotcha, Rob,” says Mac. “You want an All-Time Fish XI?
- Bert Troutmann
- Jody Haddock
- Herring Berg
- Johnny Metcod
- Gareth Barrycuda
- Stingray Parlour
- Marlin Skrtel
- Leandro Batuna
- Nii Lamprey
- Basstian Schweinsteiger
- Zinsardine Zidanchovy
58 min A training-ground free-kick from Bournemouth almost leads to a goal - for City. They made a complete mess of it, and City break down the left through De Bruyne. His low cross went across the face of goal and deflected just behind Bernardo Silva.
57 min David Silva has been booked as well, presumably for complaining about some of Mike Dean’s decisions.
56 min King breaks menacingly and is invited to challenge gravity by Kompany, who is booked. King has been excellent today.
55 min Sterling’s snapshot is blocked by one of a posse of Bournemouth defenders. City have settled into a nice passing rhythm, albeit thus far without the incessant menace of the 20 minutes before half-time.
53 min Bernardo Silva has been the least effective of City’s attackers, so they may look to replace him if it stays 1-1. You’d expect him to need a little time to settle in This League™. Most delicate attackers do, which makes Jesus’s explosive start even more impressive.
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51 min Cook takes the ball and then flattens Jesus with his follow through. David Silva looks to the referee Mike Dean as if to say, ‘What kind of barbaric dystopia is this, Michael?’ He gives a throw-in.
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49 min City break dangerously through Sterling. He doesn’t pick the wrong pass; he doesn’t pick any pass, running the ball straight out of play.
48 min King makes a fine run down the right and crosses towards Defoe. Kompany stretches to make an important clearance.
46 min Peep peep! City begin the second half.
Half time: Bournemouth 1-1 Manchester City
Peep peep! That was excellent entertainment from two attacking teams. Charlie Daniels gave Bournemouth the lead with an authentic Goal of the Season contender; Gabriel Jesus’s excellent equaliser came against the run of play and altered the run of play. From the moment City equalised they were pretty awesome, and could easily be ahead. See you in 10 minutes for the second half.
45 min Ake is playing on, until half-time at least.
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44 min Jesus, on the right of the box, backheels the ball into the path of Fernandinho. He hits a rasping rising shot from a tight angle that almost knocks Begovic off his feet as he beats it away, and eventually Bournemouth manage to clear. Bournemouth will be very pleased if they get to half-time at 1-1 because they have subject to a furious interrogation for the last 25 minutes.
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41 min This doesn’t look good for Ake. His right leg got stuck as he stretched to clear with his left. I’m not sure he’ll be able to carry on.
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40 min Ake is down injured, possibly with twisted blood, and there’s a break in play.
39 min “Romario, Ronaldo & Ronaldinho also loved the oft derided toe bung,” says Niall Mullen. “Is it fair to say that rather than a rabona or rainbow flick that this is the true Brazilian art form?”
Good point. Yet when Mick Harford toebunged one into Row Y it was “primitive”. Typical cultural cringe.
38 min “Is Mike Dean Jasper Carrott’s love child?” asks Steve, who has a point.
37 min Ake makes an excellent defensive header from Mendy’s dangerous cross.
35 min It’s been a breathless first half, and Bournemouth look in need of some oxygen and/or a nice cup of tea. A second City goal feels inevitable.
33 min “Out of 10,” says Paul Neilan, “where does that strike lie on your scale of ‘hairy-arsed chancers’?”
I think the modern man is a little more enlightened when it comes to personal groo- oh, I see what you mean. It’s right up there, an 8 at least. A first-time, outside-of-the-foot half-volley, with a soupcon of swoosh, that goes in off the woodwork: that’s almost screamer bingo.
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32 min Bernardo Silva wastes a great chance for City, going it alone when he should have played in David Silva. Instead he placed the ball tamely at Begovic from 18 yards. The chance came from another mistake by the nervous Ake.
29 min For the first 20 minutes, Bournemouth were brilliant. For the last 10, City have been awesome. They look like scoring with every attack. Pep Guardiola, meanwhile, is giving the fourth official a roasting over that yellow card for Ake. He has a strong case, even if he and his team have presented it a little charmlessly.
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28 min Bournemouth are under siege. David Silva’s angled through pass finds the overlapping Danilo, whose low shot is kicked away by Begovic.
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25 min After a slow start City are playing majestically. De Bruyne’s cute stabbed pass finds Danilo - the right-back - in the area, and his shot is desperately blocked. It comes back to David Silva, who takes it on the chest and volleys over from 25 yards.
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24 min That could have been another for Jesus! De Bruyne drove a sweet crossfield pass to Mendy, who fizzed a wonderful volleyed cross into the corridor of uncertainty. It bounced up slightly awkwardly beyond the far post for Jesus, who slapped it wide.
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23 min Ake dithers and is robbed by Jesus, who is about to run clear on goal when Ake brings him down. He is booked, though City are apoplectic that it wasn’t a red card. The replays suggest they have a case.
David Silva received a quick free-kick from Jesus, waited for some movement and sliced Bournemouth open with a wonderful, disguised through-pass. Jesus made a great run, held off Ake and toebunged it first time past Begovic.
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GOAL! Bournemouth 1-1 Man City (Jesus 21)
This is a high-class equaliser from City.
21 min “Hi, Rob!” says Karl Ruben Weseth. Any insight into why Daniels seemed so angry when he ran to the corner flag after the goal?”
None whatsoever. I was too busy typing ‘bloody hell, what a goal!’ or something like that, so I didn’t see it. Maybe it was just that angry orgasm face to which we are all occasionally susceptible.
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20 min Sterling’s ambitious long-range curler is straight at Begovic.
19 min Ederson makes a good save from Defoe! Surman, in a central position, curled a nice left-footed pass over the defence to find Defoe, who had got inbtween Mendy and Kompany. He stretched to hit a first-time volley from 15 yards and Ederson plunged to his left to push it away.
17 min It’s tempting to say City aren’t playing well. I’d be more inclined to say Bournemouth are playing extremely well.
16 min “Hey Rob,” says JR in Illinois. “David Siva’s new hairdo is not working for him in any sense. Firstly, he looks odd. Secondly, he’s already sprayed around multiple off target passes. Either that or Harry Arter is yelling “LEAVE IT” every time Silva makes a pass.”
Yeah, I can’t get used to it. He looks like a Trainspotting extra.
15 min De Bruyne’s bouncing corner from the right is shinned miles wide by Otamendi.
14 min That was, in any currency, a magnificent goal.
What a goal! It was a heatseeker from Charlie Daniels. Gosling’s cross from the left was half cleared by Kompany at the near post. The ball bounced just outside the area on the left, where Daniels ran onto the ball, mistook himself for Roberto Carlos - and then hit one like Roberto Carlos. From a tight angle he thrashed a left-footed half-volley that screamed across Ederson and in off the bar!
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GOAL! Bournemouth 1-0 Manchester City (Daniels 13)
This is an absolute screamer!
10 min De Bruyne’s awkward low cross is diverted towards his own goal by the stretching Ake. Happily for him, the ball loops straight into the loving embrace of Begovic.
7 min This has been a fine start from Bournemouth, who have had more of the ball and look sharp in and out of possession.
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5 min Lovely play from Bournemouth. King loses Otamendi with a slick turn near the halfway line, flicking the ball behind his standing leg, and then plays it down the right to Smith. He gets into the area and cuts a return ball back towards King, whose first-time strike from 15 yards is blocked.
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4 min Otamendi heads a free-kick behind to give Bournemouth the first corner. Nowt happens.
3 min There are suggestions that Sergio Aguero is in a volcanic funk at being rotated, and stayed on the team coach on his own for a long time when the team arrived at the stadium. Reports that he was listening to Everybody Hurts on loop are unconfirmed.
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2 min For the time being, the formations are as expected: 3-5-2 for Bournemouth, 4-1-2-3 for City. Actually, looking at it again, it’s more a 3-5-1-1 for Bournemouth with King dropping off Defoe.
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1 min Peep peep! Bournemouth kick off from right to left as we look at our HD television screen. They are in red and black; City are in sky blue.
It’ll be interesting to see how Bournemouth line up. They picked a back three to match up against City, not knowing that Pep Guardiola had switched to a back four. So maybe Eddie Howe will revert to 4-4-2. Sometimes tactics can so goddamn thrilling.
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An email! “Nice of City to allow Delph out for the day (on the bench of course),” says Ian Copestake. “Signing for them must have been both the best day of his career and the least sensible.”
You could make a good XI of English players who lost some of their best years because they flew too close to the sun – Delph, Wright-Phillips, Parker, Carroll, Zaha, Downing, Sidwell. But then if they’d rejected a move to a big club they would have been dismissed as bottlers, and they would die wondering.
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Team news
Bournemouth (3-5-1-1) Begovic; S Cook, Ake, Mings; A Smith, Gosling, Surman, Arter, Daniels; King; Defoe.
Substitutes: Boruc, B Smith, Fraser, Ibe, L Cook, Mousset, Afobe.
Manchester City (4-1-2-3) Ederson; Danilo, Kompany, Otamendi, Mendy; Fernandinho; De Bruyne, D Silva; B Silva, Jesus, Sterling.
Substitutes: Bravo, Stones, Mangala, Sane, Delph, Toure, Aguero.
Referee Mike Dean.
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Preamble
Morning. There are two ways to win a football match: you can score more goals than your opponent, or you can concede fewer. Eddie Howe and Pep Guardiola only have eyes for the first approach. There were 122 goals in Bournemouth’s 38 league games last season, the most in the league, and 119 in City’s. The attacking ability and defensive fragility of both is such that any minute now I’m going to make an inane gag about this match being a nailed-on 0-0.
Ordinarily Bournemouth could view this game as a free hit, with any points a bonus. But they have lost their first two games, and have an extremely hard start to the season. In their next eight games they play five of the Big Seven™, and things don’t really ease up until November.
In the last two years Bournemouth have had famous wins against Liverpool, Chelsea, Manchester United and others. They have had less joy against City. Bournemouth have lost all four Premier League games between the sides, with an aggregate score of 15-1; in fact they have never won a game against City. This would be a great day to change that. All they have to do is score the most goals.
Kick off is at 12.30pm.
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