HE IS NOT A NUMBER, HE IS A FREE LOAN
One of the first things Jürgen Klopp did upon arriving at Liverpool was to draw up a shopping list of central defenders who might eventually replace the monumentally confused Dejan Lovren, balsa-boned Mamadou Sakho, Kolo Touré, 57, and Martin Skrtel, who at first glance looks like the sort of bloke who should be on trial for some very serious breaches of humanitarian protocol, but in fact, if the manner in which he attacks the ball while defending deep crosses is anything to go by, is the sort of sweet-hearted young lad who would faint in fear at a Talulah Gosh gig. Looks can be deceptive. Nothing wrong with sensitive twee-pop sensibilities, of course, but when push comes to shove, he might not be cut out for Klopp’s heavy-metal brand of football, is all.
So Klopp handed his list to Ian Ayre. The Liverpool chief suit roared off on his chopper, and a few hours later came back with a broad, satisfied smile on his boat and some booty packed into his pannier. “Hey Jürgen!” chirped Ayre as he hopped, big leggy, off his Harley. “You know you wanted Neven Subotic, Joël Matip or Mats Hummels? Well, even better than that!” And with a flourish, in the style of the guy from the Fast Show who would be sent out to the shops for eggs and potatoes before coming back with biscuits shaped like radios and a map of Cairo, he presented Klopp with new loan signing Steven Caulker, a man last seen in the centre of a Southampton defence that shipped six goals at home to Liverpool in the Milk Cup, bouncing around aimlessly in a passable homage to the title sequence of The Prisoner.
The resulting mushroom clouds which emerged reasonably quickly from Klopp’s ears could be seen as far away as Newcastle, where today’s other big bit of transfer news was occurring. The Magpies have bid £12m for Jonjo Shelvey, who may have decided it’s an appropriate time to leave Swansea, having last weekend reportedly been involved in a Hegelian dialectic with several fans in the wake of their FA Cup defeat at Oxford, a trenchant swapping of thesis and antithesis which nearly led to a good old-fashioned synthesis in the car park. Shelvey’s arrival on Tyneside – likely to hasten the departure of 2011’s Cheick Tioté to Shanghai Greenland Shenhua for £8m – is dependent on a medical. Let’s hope the Toon doctors realise his seeming inability to break into a run is less a physical problem and more a manifestation of the trademark insouciant style so beloved by those aforementioned Swans supporters.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Scott Murray from 7.45pm GMT for hot MBM coverage of Newcastle United 0-1 Manchester United.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
7.22am: “I am sorry [about the speculation]. Normally, in my career as a trainer, as a player, I respect a lot my colleagues, so I am sorry. It wasn’t my intention” – Pep Guardiola apologises for putting pressure on a manager of a club in England that he will all but certainly be joining at the end of the season.
7.23am: “Of course I’m focused on Bayern Munich, but this doesn’t change the fact that I will be training a team next season” – Pep Guardiola reapplies said pressure on a manager of a club in England that he will all but certainly be joining at the end of the season.
FIVER LETTERS
“It was good to see that Fluminense forward Biro Biro put pen to paper on a deal with Shanghai Shenxin of China last week. Had he inked a deal?” – James Tong.
“Worth a mention to restore some faith in ‘The Magic of the Cup’: Derby have donated their share of the gate receipts from Saturday’s game to opponents Hartlepool [about £23,000 – Fiver Ed]. For the cynics among you, it was announced before the fourth-round draw” – Paul Reeve.
“Regarding the Ballon d’Or (yesterday’s Fiver). Is this an award paying homage to that classic movie Groundhog Day? The thought of waking up one day in 2026 and seeing the same two names (plus AN Other) vying for this award makes me reach for the paper bag that holds the bottle of purple death. I mean, why would Riyad Mahrez not get a shout at this award after his heroics for my plucky Leicester team where he doesn’t have the luxury of a phalanx of superstars propping him up? OK, stupid question. So how about the award going to one of those street-ball players one sees on FaceSpace doing all manner of tricky things that make most of us wonder why we even bother trying to boot a football in anger. And when they receive their award they could juggle the trophy back to their seat while walking on their hands and whistling La Marseillaise. Simple” – Rod de Lisle.
“Barry Richardson may have been on the subs’ bench for Wycombe against Villa (Friday’s Bits and Bobs), but he was a big hero when he played for Lincoln City.
A real fighter. Take a look at The Battle of Moss Rose. And while we’re talking about Lincoln, please give it one for Percy Freeman, my favourite player ever. Wish the Imps had a few like him now. Apologies for mentioning a team outside the Skyscape” – ATB Graham.
“As an exiled Sheffield United supporter living in the sporting cauldron of Luxembourg, can I just say how delighted I was to see the Blades referred to as ‘a reasonable League One team’ (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). Such glowing praise is surely a springboard for yet another abysmal assault on the play-offs. Thanks, Fiver” – Matt Gambrill.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Rod de Lisle, who receives a copy of Football Manager 2016, courtesy of the very kind people at Football Manager Towers. We’ve got plenty more copies to give away, so if you haven’t been lucky thus far, keep trying.
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BITS AND BOBS
Tottenham suits have hurriedly got Dele Alli to sign a bumper five-year contract. “I’ve still got a lot to learn and I can’t think of a better place to do that,” squeaked the 19-year-old, making White Hart Lane sound like a Russell Group university.
Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang clearly doesn’t know Yaya Touré very well. “I really don’t know why he said that at all. I am not going to get angry about it,” he chuckled, of the midfielder’s latest hissy fit.
Roberto Carlos claims he is in talks with Real Madrid over joining the backroom staff. “I had a meeting with Real Madrid about my future with the club. Soon I will know how I can collaborate with Zidane’s Madrid,” he chirped, sounding like a boutique fashion designer.
Vincent Kompany will have more time to moonlight as a living anatomical specimen after Manuel Pellegrini admitted the Manchester City captain’s latest bout of calf-gah will probably sideline him until the “last part of the season”.
Oldham Athletic have shown David Dunn out of the door marked ‘Do One’.
Quique Sánchez Flores has still got the hots for 2013’s Andros Townsend. “He has the characteristics that we are looking for,” cooed the Watford boss. “We need skill, we need velocity.” They also need more than the £10m that Spurs turned down earlier this month.
And Bobby M says he will recall Everton fans’ favourite Tim Howard, 87, for the second leg of their Rumbelows Cup semi-final with Manchester City. “[Joel Robles] has done really well but Tim brings unique experience,” he honked.
STILL WANT MORE?
Gather round as John Ashdown tells the tale of Willem ‘The Cannon’ Hesselink, the one-time player-manager-president of Bayern Munich who also dabbled in tug-of-war, forensic science and had a shot that could double as a wrecking ball.
David Squires on … football’s proposed trials of video replays, featuring cameos from Camilla Long, Jamie Redknapp and a supermarket self-service till.
What could have possibly led Johan Cruyff to choose Spain over Leicester for his return to Europe in February 1981? Find out with Jeff Livingstone.
Daniel Taylor drank several cups of coffee before crunching the numbers on Manchester United – and they don’t look good for Louis van Gaal.
“Savio Nsereko.” Two words to give West Ham fans the shivers.
“It’s part of his peculiarly generous type of brilliance that it is within his scope to redeem even Fifa’s overblown sideshow.” Barney Ronay somehow manages to shift his attention from Jimmy Nesbitt’s Barnet to deliver this verdict on the shock news that Lionel Messi won the Ballon d’Or.
Team USA! USA!! USA!!!’s Carli Lloyd is complicated, inconsistent, and the best in the world, roars Caitlin Murray.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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