ONE PEP BEYOND
The blank stare. The slump in the chair. The sense of the most powerful ennui positively pulsing from his being. On Sunday at Everton, Pep Guardiola looked like a man who was gradually realising he’d made a huge mistake. Or contemplating a long look in the mirror. Possibly both.
Things aren’t going well for ol’ Pepples at City, who if they break his spirit will surely rank it among their finest achievements. But in some respects he’s a little like a chef called upon to cook a delicious banquet for 300 people, asked to rustle up the finest tasting menu that the culinary world could possibly imagine, but has been handed a Pot Noodle, some squirty cheese and a microwave to do it. Sort of like Ready Steady Cook, but instead of Ainsley Harriott mugging for the camera, chopping herbs and egging him on, he had a couple of thousand Mancunians wondering if they’ve been sold a pup, and 35,000 Scousers singing ‘You’re getting sacked in the morning.’ No wonder he had a face like a slapped bottom and eyes blacker than night.
After the game, rather than just staring through hacks and refusing to say a single word, like Travis in the first bit of chinstrokers’ favourite ‘Paris, Texas’, or bellowing ‘WHAT THE EFFING EFF DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO WITH THAT LOT? HAVE YOU SEEN THAT CEE OTAMENDI? HE SHOULD BE HAWKING ARTISAN EFFING COFFEE IN THE EFFING NORTHERN QUARTER, NOT TRYING TO STOP ROMELU EFFING LUKAKU. AND DON’T GET ME STARTED ON EFFING JOHN EFFING STONES,’ Guardiola merely meekly conceded that the league title is beyond him and his merry band, for the moment.
“The first one is a 10-point gap and that is a lot,” he sulked. “The second one is three points, so we have to see. I spoke with the players for the last three weeks to forget about the table, focus on the next game and do our best.” Presumably those present restrained themselves from saying “That went well, then,” lest he burn out their soul with his most withering stare.
Not that it isn’t Guardiola’s fault too. For a start, it was his call to bring in Claudio Bravo, a man whose commitment to disproving the notion of nominative determinism should almost be applauded. Not by him, mind: he’s been so bad with his hands that (... wait for it …) if he tried to clap (... it’s coming …) he’d probably (... nothing you can do to stop it now …) miss! Ho! Take that, Claudio! Take that Pep! You have been lampooned!
It wasn’t all gloom at Goodison on Sunday, mind. The child Tom Davies, born roughly 20 minutes before taking the field (or thereabouts), produced a performance to bring joy to all but those with the blackest (or reddest) of hearts: all wild, Scot Gemmill-esque hair and lanky limbs, socks halfway down his shins and his a style of play marvellously natural and unspoiled.
“It is unbelievable,” he giggled after the game, in which he scored a goal of uncommon delicacy and poise. “I got a chance and managed to take it,” he continued, joyously, while standing next to another of Everton’s goalscorers, Ademola Lookman, who somehow manages to look even younger than Davies. Good lord how youthful they’d look next to the Fiver’s Purple Tin-withered mug. It was quite a contrast between his gleeful face, so young and innocent and yet to be scarred by the disappointments of life, and Guardiola’s grim fizzog, contemplating what cruel God has dumped him where he is.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“There are kids who have never seen me play and today they get excited and cry for a photo with me. Every day I feel the affection and love the Neapolitan people have for me. The father has transmitted it to his son, who has then transmitted it to his and this will never end. After 30 years the same love continues, like the first woman you have in your life” – it’s just one ego-massage for Diego Maradona as he returns to Naples to take part in an opera about how much he is loved, even by tax-knack officials who are said to be close to dropping a long-running case against him.
FIVER LETTERS
“I suspect that Bill Iliffe’s issues may be deeper rooted (Friday’s letters). To be still wearing a hated kit a full ‘20 years later’ points to some clearly unresolved baggage” – John Pitre.
“Re Nick Cox’s letter (on the theme of inane commentary), it’s not exactly a rush to buy Dali’s work, but apparently an entire town in China is being built to match Dali’s home town in Catalonia, according to Big Website. This actually does seem surreal” – Christopher Smith.
“‘Well, Martin, he was never going to beat him in a foot-race … ’ If it was a hot-air balloon race, however” – Steve Horrigan.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … John Pitre.
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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
The former football coach Barry Bennell has pleaded not guilty to eight sexual assault charges at Chester Crown Court.
Jürgen Klopp has jabbed his finger in the direction of the dormant volcano that serves as Fifa’s lair in an attempt to make their admin bods decide one way or the other if Joel Matip – who says he is retired as a Cameroon international – can play for Liverpool while the Africa Cup of Nations is ongoing.
Chinese Super League suits have brought forward rules that will limit foreign players in teams to three – as well as other measures – to help prevent clubs from KLF-ing their cash on career-burning mercenaries.
Middlesbrough are hoping to party like it’s 2014-15 all over again by signing Patrick Bamford from Chelsea.
And good news for trendy Amsterdam nightspots. Nightclub Patrick’s son, Justin, has made his Ajax debut aged just 17. “Words can’t describe how proud I am,” sobbed his pops.
STILL WANT MORE
Donald McRae gets his chat on with USA! USA!! USA!!! soccerball star Alex Morgan, who takes aim at Fifa and lays out her hopes for the future after her move to Lyon.
Ten talking points! Ten talking points! Ten talking points! Ten talking points! Ten talking points from the Premier League this weekend! Go on, count them.
Sid Lowe on that Sergio Ramos own goal that brought Madrid’s unbeaten run shuddering to a halt.
What do footballers do while recovering from long-term injuries, asks Richard Foster, inviting trouble.
Mr Bojan goes? Erm, that and other transfer rumours in this here Mill.
Paulo Sousa silenced the hunchback taunts by putting Juventus in a straightjacket, roars Paolo Bandini.
Milutin Sredojevic has taken Uganda to their first Cup of Nations in 40 years and their first match, against Ghana, is a steamy repeat of the 1978 final, writes Ed Aarons.
How does Alexis Sánchez cope with the grind of the big city? By finding comfort in the positive vibrations of his labradors, reveals Simon Burnton, obviously.
Jürgen Klopp’s diamond surprise sounds like a special pudding when in fact it was a crafty tactical plan used in the 1-1 draw between Man Utd and Liverpool. Here’s Michael Cox.
The Dozen, for all your snazzy football photo needs.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
