Chris Whitty should announce sternly that it’s now clear the number of people who despise Johnson is doubling every two days, and it will have affected everyone by Christmas, especially anyone who’s been in close contact with him.
There are thousands of reports of Conservative activists campaigning in the North Shropshire by-election, that go, “I went to one house in Oswestry, where a retired admiral who still takes a frigate up the River Severn to fire torpedoes at foxes, said, ‘I’ve campaigned for the Conservative Party since 1821. But this **** Johnson can **** off the lying ******* useless ****’.”
Johnson seems to blame the press for concentrating on tittle-tattle such as industrial levels of lying and corruption, rather than focussing on positive things he’s done, such as getting his flat decorated with beautiful wallpaper.
It might not have helped him that his staff appeared to work tirelessly, to break every lockdown rule they insisted everyone else must keep.
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No one would be surprised now if we found out that last Christmas Eve Priti Patel held a Festive Glastonbury in her kitchen, in which 80,000 party workers watched a Led Zeppelin reunion.
And she excused it by claiming it was a local council meeting, to discuss planning permission for a stairway to heaven.
Or if film emerged of hundreds of staff at a jousting event in the garden of Jacob Rees-Mogg. He’d explain it by claiming his grounds were a vaccination centre, and the lances were to give the jab to people with huge arms.
But even if they can seem shady, these Conservatives are the brightest people so we should leave them in charge.
For example, when their London commissioner for police and crime attended a party that broke all the rules, he was clever enough to leave no trace, except for a photo in which they all posed while drinking champagne.
He must have thought: “As I’m chair of the London police and crime committee, I’ll prove my commitment to both parts of the job by spending the day with the police and the night committing crime.”
Johnson’s usual strategy, when he’s caught lying, is to change the subject. So he unveiled his scheme to deliver one million booster jabs a day, which everyone knows they can’t achieve.
He might try this again, and announce: “I will provide one million pandas a day. Please go to your nearest panda drop-in centre and get your panda, plus free bamboo. Get Britain moving, book your panda as quickly as possible.”
He’s had such a hold on us, that some fear him going, because “we might get someone even worse”.
This is understandable, in the same way that if your house has rats, don’t clear them out in case they’re replaced by a stegosaurus.
So the only worry is he’ll copy his hero Donald Trump. By Christmas he’ll announce the North Shropshire election was “stolen” and ask his supporters to invade Oswestry Town Hall.
