The last time many people would have caught a glimpse of Michael Gove was on the morning after the EU referendum when he appeared before the TV cameras looking like a bloke who had just come down from a bad acid trip to discover he had murdered several of his closest friends.
That, though, turned out to be just the start of his Charlie Manson political killing spree. Within a week, he had stabbed Boris Johnson repeatedly in the front before crashing and burning in his bid to become prime minister. His punishment was to be sent to the backbenches to reflect on the foolishness of his actions.
As justice secretary, Gove was a firm believer in the saying, “If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime,” but he’s not finding it so easy to put into practice himself.
The normal sentence for a serial killer is life without parole, but Gove has come to the conclusion that, in his case, a couple of months is quite long enough. Mikey has had enough of being just another political hack, occasionally chipping in with backbench speeches that go unreported and unappreciated. Mikey believes he is worth more than this. Mikey believes the world is ready for The Return of the Govester. Mikey 2.0.
Sadly for Mikey, just about the only person to agree with him is the Brexit-supporting Labour peer Maurice Glasman, and the pair have set up a two-man commission to “Do Something About Immigration”. Which is why Mikey finally got the attention he had been craving for so long and was invited to appear on Sky News.
Sometimes you have to be careful what you wish for. There are some humiliations even a politician shouldn’t be made to endure. “Let’s just remind ourselves of one of the most momentous occasions of this summer,” said Sky’s Adam Boulton, not even bothering to conceal a smirk. The screen switched to Boris Johnson announcing he wasn’t going to run for leadership of the Conservative party after all. “What did you think when you saw that?”
“I didn’t watch it,” Gove insisted.
Boulton arched an eyebrow. Was Mikey really trying to suggest he hadn’t bothered to watch Boris: My Part in His Downfall? No matter. Boulton pressed on.
“But you did effectively bring about Boris’s withdrawal from the leadership race?” he observed.
“That was a complete coincidence,” said Mikey.
“Treachery. Nicking his phone. Conspiracy ...”
“That’s an unfair characterisation.”
“So there was no betrayal by you?”
“No. The mistake I made was that I should have paused before offering Boris support.”
Or, indeed, before withdrawing it. It’s fair to say Mikey has a bit of a way to go in his rehabilitation classes. Restorative justice must be on next year’s curriculum.
Boulton pressed on for an easy kill of his own. “So, what was your biggest mistake?” he enquired. “Supporting Boris, knifing Boris or thinking you were fit to be prime minister?”
“I did come third,” Mikey squeaked, defiantly.
“But more MPs believed even Andrea Leadsom was a better bet than you.” That was the lowest of low blows. Living with the knowledge your colleagues have more faith in the environment minister’s competency is enough to keep anyone in therapy for decades.
Boulton’s bloodlust was out of control. Gove had been a key man and was now excluded. Boris was foreign secretary and doing well and Gove wasn’t. “You’re left to going around bayoneting the wounded,” he said, oblivious to the irony he was guilty of doing just that himself.
By now, Mikey was a wreck, praying for the interview to end as quickly as possible. He’d only imagined doing a three-minute interview and it was already creeping up to 10. Mikey found himself babbling stuff he knew that even he didn’t believe. “It’s great news the pound has been devalued by 30%,” he insisted.
“So, what are the immigration targets of your new commission?” asked Boulton, finally getting round to the reason Mikey had volunteered himself for this debacle.
“Um ... er ... I don’t really know. That’s why I want to have a commission.”
As Mikey tiptoed out of the studios, his phone rang. Maybe it was Theresa asking him back into the cabinet, having been dazzled by his performance. It wasn’t. It was his probation officer. His licence had been revoked.
