SCHOOL’S OUT FOR SUMMER
All over Europe pupils past and present keep alive traditional ways of marking the end of the school year, generally involving burning books, tearing off uniforms, consuming 20 pints of Sunny D and pelting ex-teachers with soggy chips and half-chewed kebabs, even if they retired years ago. Or did The Fiver misunderstand? Oops, sorry about that Mr Healy!
A similar rite is taking hold in the football world, where the season’s end is the trigger for employers to look their managers up and down, sniff contemptuously and boot them out the door with a muffled “Thank you” that sounds an awful lot like “Eff you”. West Ham players had not even finished flicking towels against each others’ cheeks following their defeat to Newcastle on Sunday when Sam Allardyce was ordered to find another job, and a short time later, if he was drunk or delirious, Allardyce may have tried to convince himself that the Hammers’ decision forced Real Madrid’s hand, as the Spanish giants announced that they were escorting Carlo Ancelotti off their premises. “Here the demands are very high and we need to give Real Madrid a new push that allows us to reach the level that we want to be at,” blathered Real president Florentino Pérez, who, as the man responsible for foisting an unbalanced team on Ancelotti this season, also considered his own position and resolved, after lengthy deliberation, to wobble his backside a little in his big leather throne.
As Rafa Benítez reportedly opened negotiations with haulage companies over the transportation to Madrid of his 834,657 containers of football DVDs, reports surfaced that Ancelotti’s former assistant at Real, Paul Clement, is to be appointed manager of Derby County just as soon as the skip containing all of Steve McClaren’s guises is taken away from the iPro Stadium.
Amid all these moves, the Hertfordshire branch of Pozzo Enterprises suddenly realised that they have had the same manager since October. Feeling like a grown man who has not changed his underpants since leaving school back when Mr Healy was in his tyrannical prime, Watford decided to freshen things up. At least that’s what assorted reports are claiming now, with the buzz being that Slavisa Jokanovic is about to become the fifth manager in 12 months to leave Vicarage Road despite the club’s promotion to the Premier League. The former Atlético Madrid boss Quique Flores is believed to be on the verge of being appointed by Watford, who, if that is confirmed, will then be free to begin their search for a new manager.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I made a terrible mistake in Sunday’s game and let go a full three points. I won’t repeat the same mistake and will never lose concentration” – Chongqing Lifan keeper Sui Weijie apologises after letting in an equaliser in the Chinese Super League game with Liaoning … while he was busy enjoying some refreshment.
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RECOMMENDED LISTENING
AC Jimbo and co are back with a rare Tuesday outing for Football Weekly (and a chance to win Amy Lawrence’s book).
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
One last piece on the Miracle of Istanbul, 10 years on, honest: the brick-by-brick recreation.
BITS AND BOBS
Karim Benzema is apparently being monitored by Manchester United manager Louis van Gaal, although not in the way we saw Billy Baldwin do it when Weird Uncle Fiver brought us over that knock-off copy of Sliver.
Goody two-shoes West Ham United have qualified for Big Vase by dint of the Fair Play League. “It should be a fantastic experience,” cheered Gollivan.
Fenerbahce managed to go down fighting in their battle to win the Turkish Super Lig, finishing with just seven men in a comedy 2-2 draw against Basaksehir that handed the title to Galatasaray. “I will not forget all the things that happened this season until the day I die,” seethed Fenerbahce boss Ismail Kartal.
Roberto Di Matteo has walked out the door at Schalke marked Wählen Sie Eine after a difference of opinion with them. “I offered a plan for a possible successful future and what the conditions for that would need to be,” sniffed the Italian. “It became clear that the club had a different emphasis.”
Only 19,000 tickets have been sold for Spurs’ friendly against a Malaysian XI on Wednesday after a protest by a Malaysian fan group at such “circus matches”.
Delia Smith and Stephen Fry are going to be mentioned a whole lot more now that Norwich City are back in the Premier League. Oh. “I feel pleased for everybody else,” whooped manager Alex Neil. “It’s a strange thing to say. The thing that drives me is about letting people down. I hate people letting down.”
And Liverpool’s Nigerian forward Asisat Oshoala has been named as the Beeb’s women’s footballer of the year.
STILL WANT MORE?
David Squires signs off for the season in style. And if you’ve ever wanted your very own mug or T-shirt with a cartoon on it of a Sky Sports News reporter having a purple plastic phallus waved in his ear, then today is your lucky day.
Barney Ronay on the flaw that can’t be ignored when it comes to Brendan Rodgers … those signings.
Meanwhile, Sean Rogers and Roy Henderson debate the merits of a possible Brexit.
It’s end-of-season Premier League polls time. Vote! Vote! Vote! for your best and worst of the season gone by.
And here are our suggestions for the end-of-season gongs: player, manager, goal, signing, match, flop, gripe, referee, pundit, photos and need for innovation of 2014-15.
Jonathan Wilson prepares to bid farewell to Zenit’s Danny.
This week’s Serie A blog from Paolo Bandini focuses on Roma’s triumph in the Derby della Showoffifyouknowwhatit’sreallycalled.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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