‘WHO ARE YOU? WHO, WHO, WHO, WHO?’
These are strange times indeed. In a world when the bloke who wants to be president can not just look down a camera and tell lies, but look down a camera and tell lies that can be very easily disproved, it’s perhaps no wonder José Mourinho still thinks his old distraction tricks will work. After Manchester United were so thoroughly hosed by Chelsea on Sunday, the 4-0 scoreline offering not so much a clue as to where Mourinho’s team are currently, as a glimpse into the echoey void where his soul used to be, the main question became this: what would the erstwhile winner of trophies use to distract attention from their performance? He probably couldn’t have a go at an underling, because not even Mourinho plays the same song twice and anyway, that sort of thing can end up in court. Not the best idea to blame the whole thing on United having three games in seven days while Chelsea were nice and rested up, because people might then remember whose fault it is that they were free in a European week. Bawling out the referee could have been a good one but that’s a bit passé these days.
So he had to think of something else. He did have quite a long time to mull things over, as he basically declared the game over after Pedro’s first-minute goal, as though nobody had ever conceded early in a game before. In the end his solution was creative, to whisper into Antonio Conte’s ear in full view of everyone, then act all coy when people asked what he had to say. Alas for José and his commitment to the secrecy of private conversations, someone was able to earwig and ascertain that he had boldly grabbed the concept of irony, torn it up, thrown it on the floor and set it on fire, as he complained to Conte about his touchline etiquette. He could not have displayed less self-awareness if he’d accused Conte of wearing rubbish coats these days and not being as good as he used to be.
The Fiver did quite enjoy Conte’s reaction to this latest slice of Mourinho horse plop, regarding his rival with a vague bafflement rather than the annoyance and even anger one might expect. Conte just seemed to peer at Mourinho with a sense of curiosity, wondering exactly what this buffoon was talking about. Still, the good news is that Mourinho’s attempt at deflection doesn’t seem to have worked. Most people seem to be discussing his comments only in the context of how much of a berk they made him look, and devoting the rest of the time to how achingly terrible his side was.
It might reach the point soon, if it hasn’t already, that these hunks of bullsh!t are the only things remaining of the old Mourinho, the only things we have to identify the man who used to persuade players to run through fire for him. Once a fearless manager of egos and man who created thrillingly effective teams, he’s now the bloke who can’t work out what to do with the most expensive midfielder in the world. Nowadays his nonsense and the little JM on his jacket are among the few things that identify him, whereas they used to be mere by-products of his personality. The next time he tries to pull this trick, someone might very well say to him: “Didn’t you used to be José Mourinho?”
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Is it natural to waste 18 chances in front of goal? Things were obviously not normal and there was magic and sorcery involved” – Zamalek chief suit Mortada Mansour raises José Mourinho in the creative post-defeat deflection stakes after his club’s African Big Cup defeat by Mamelodi Sundowns.
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FIVER LETTERS
“In reply to Noble Francis’s request for strange footballing Wikipedia photos (Friday’s letters), my favourite was always Denis Irwin skulking round the bins outside the Cliff training ground like the front cover of a Smiths album. While finding the link just now I’m sad to report Denis has upgraded to a more flattering profile, but the picture is still on the page so surely that counts” – Matt Couldridge.
“In response to Noble Francis, there can only be one winner. This can still be found tucked away on Terry Venables’s Finnish Wikipedia page” – Darrien Bold.
“I present Lee Hendrie in 2000” - Jimmy Mayer.
“How ignoble it is of one N. Francis to include a link to a previous (historical one might say but then again maybe not) Fiver that includes one of his/her previous submissions unrelated to the initial subject of his/her current letter. This kind of shameless self promotion, rare as it is, has no place in … oh” – Eric Willis.
“May I be the first of 1,057 pedants to point out to my wife that whilst undoubtedly Purple Tin swilling, there is nothing to suggest that Kumbuka is a Fiver reader. This does however prompt the question of whether an infinite number of Tin swilling gorillas, given an infinite number of typewriters, could eventually come up with a funny edition of The Fiver?” – David Maddock.
“Re. Katie Maddock’s letter … have we lost a member?” – Peter Moore.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winners is David Maddock, who receives a copy of Football Manager 2017 from those good people at Football Manager Towers. It’s not out till 4 November so aren’t you (and Katie) lucky? We’ve got a few more copies to give away, so if you want one, keep the letters coming.
BITS AND BOBS
Jürgen Klopp has confirmed Loris Karius has usurped Simon Mignolet as his first choice stopper of the goals. “I’ve made that decision. Loris is number one at this moment and Simon is number two,” cheered Klopp.
Euro 2016’s Moussa Sissoko is in hot water for introducing Harry Arter to his right elbow. “He has until 6pm on Tuesday 25 October to reply,” sniffed an FA bod.
Humility’s Renato Sanches, after helping Portugal conquer Europe last season, has edged out Marcus Rashford to the 2016 Golden Boy award. “I’m beaming, this award has a global significance,” he trilled Sanches. “But I am down to earth, I have much to learn mainly from my fantastic team-mates. The [Big Cup]? Bayern will win, there is no debate: we are the strongest team on the planet.”
New research into heading a football has identified “significant” changes in brain function from routine practice. “Although the changes were temporary, we believe they are significant to brain health, particularly if they happen over and over again as they do in football heading,” said Dr Magdalena Ietswaart.
Arsène Wenger has got the funk on because Arsenal’s AGM was scheduled for the day before the Milk Cup clash with Reading. “I will see how I can combine both,” he parped.
Paul Hurst has traded up/down/sideways (delete as appropriate) by swapping the Grimsby dugout for the Shrewsbury hot-seat. “He will forever be remembered as the manager who successfully saw the return of this club to the Football League,” blootered a Grimsby club suit.
And Real Madrid are top of La Liga after a 2-1 win against Athletic Bilbao, despite His goal drought extending to two matches.
STILL WANT MORE?
Ten Premier League talking points– count ‘em – for your consideration and comment.
Are people finally switching the football off? Owen Gibson considers why factors like the weather, Red Yawn and having Leicester in [Big Cup] is leaving Po’ Murdoch and BT out of pocket.
Be careful not to bury José just yet, warns Rob Smyth, because the monster may come back to bite you.
With an average age of 25 years and 260 days, Milan’s starting XI is the youngest in Serie A by a distance. And they just beat Juventus, so Paolo Bandini wrote this.
José Mourinho’s presence provokes a Chelsea reaction. But in a bad way. Geddit? Good, writes Dominic Fifield.
The latest in our Breaking the Law series: why it’s time to introduce a two-legged MLS Soccerball Cup. Hell yeah!
Gregg Bakowski really hopes that he didn’t p!ss off any ultras by failing to mention their group in this column on the state of ultra culture in Britain.
Louise Taylor was just one of 52,000 Newcastle and Ipswich fans that sung “Walking in a Robson Wonderland” on Saturday. More here.
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