A MIDLAND MÉLANGE
The folks at Uefa have much to worry about at the moment. Did they really treat Borussia Dortmund properly? How to deal with the ongoing situation involving Bastia? And whatever to order?! Cheese soufflé and double cream, beef with wild mushrooms in a red wine jus, lard ice cream, café et petits four? Then, after breakfast, deconstructed club sandwiches, with the constituent parts of bread, chicken, bacon, tomato, mayonnaise and another slice of bread replaced by, in turn, foie gras, foie gras, foie gras, foie gras, a very thick slab of foie gras and some deep-fried battered foie gras? Decisions, decisions.
Yet perhaps the biggest problem of all involves Big Cup nomenclature, and how to rebrand the Round of Arsenal next season, now that Arsenal are – yes, yes, two goals at Middlesbrough – extremely unlikely to compete in next season’s tournament. The Round of Manchester City? Too wordy. The Round Which Shouldn’t Have A Name Because Whatever It Gets Called Sounds Awkward, Contrived, Appalling and Cynical? Too honest. The Round of 16? Too awk … look, just no. The Round of Futile Barcelona Comebacks? Well that’s not going to fly every year, is it.
Whatever happens to Leicester City on Tuesday, at least they’ve bodyswerved that particular monicker-based humiliation, having made it to the quarter-finals in serene fashion, give or take a couple of Kasper Schmeichel penalty saves and 874 other close shaves. Craig Shakespeare, with a little help from Claudio Ranieri, has already achieved what this year was beyond Tottenham’s Mauricio Pochettino, 1998’s Arsène Wenger, and Lionel Messi’s Pep Guardiola. And now he just needs to overturn Atlético Madrid’s slender one-goal advantage to reach the semis. “We’re at home, we need to be more forceful than we were,” says the only Premier League manager not sat in front of the telly tonight with a curry, some tinnies, and a fag on.
Yes, it’s a huge day for Shakespeare and Leicester. Yet they’ve rather had their thunder stolen by Theresa M … hold on … by midlands rivals Birmingham City, who in a desperate attempt to stave off relegation to the third tier, have handed ’Arry Redknapp a bucket and told him to get bailing quicksmart. “Birmingham are a proper football club,” Redknapp Danny Dyered, “but they are in a precarious position. I haven’t got a magic wand.” This of course isn’t the first time Blues have turned to an old-school managerial legend in their hour of need, having coaxed Sir Alf Ramsey out of retirement in 1977 with average results. Average results will probably be enough to save Birmingham this season, though it’s worth noting that Ramsey was a former league and World Cup winner. Redknapp is the former manager of Southampton.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I know the history of this club. I’d played at the Goldstone Ground and I remember the times [ground-sharing] at Gillingham. But the good thing about this club is there are a lot of people still involved who were around through those tough times. But it still takes an investor like Tony [Bloom]. So it’s a wonderful feeling for myself but more for a group of supporters and a club when you have a local investor who is prepared to put his own money into a club. Particularly in an era where most of the big investors are from overseas or consortiums” – Brighton boss Chris Hughton basks in the Seagulls’ promotion to the Premier League.
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“He says the things you’d be ashamed to think” – David Squires skewers Kelvin MacKenzie’s hate-for-coin.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Now that Brighton have been promoted, could I just ask the largely southern-based football media for an agreed limit on the amount of otherwise endless Brighton-related yap which is now destined to rain down on our reluctant necks? Yes, yes, yes, they nearly got relegated. York, Chester and Stockport actually did. Yes, yes, yes, they nearly went bust. Maidstone, Aldershot and Hereford actually did. Yes, yes, yes, ‘Smith must score’. He missed. Just because a south-coast town is every hipster’s favourite night out doesn’t make its entirely average football team any more interesting. And no, I don’t follow Crystal Palace” – Jon Millard.
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BITS AND BOBS
Chelsea’s off-colour performance at Manchester United has partly been put down to illness-bleurgh caught at a team dinner [lasagna? – Fiver Ed], with Marco Alonso, Diego Costa and Victor Moses all apparently catching the lurgy.
Meanwhile, Plain Old John Terry plans to stay in the Premier League after Chelsea announced they wouldn’t be offering him a new deal. “With everything taken into careful consideration, I have decided it’s the right time for me to leave,” he tooted.
Plymouth and Portsmouth will be plying their trade in League One next season, after sealing promotion on Bank Holiday Monday, while Chesterfield tumbled down to the fourth tier.
Manchester City and Birmingham City will be duelling it out in the women’s FA Cup final. “It’s an incredible feeling,” cheered Blues boss Marc Skinner after their win on penalties. “I was tremendously proud regardless of what happened in the shootout.”
It’s suggested that you’re never more than six feet away from a rat, but – seamless segue alert! – FC Copenhagen players found themselves up close and personal with some dead ones, hurled at them by fans during the 1-0 derby win against Brondby.
And former Spurs midfielder Paulinho is having no truck with transfer chat linking him with a move away from Guangzhou Evergrande. “These transfer rumours are normal in the football industry,” he tooted. “My [Mr 15%] must have received inquiries from some European clubs.
STILL WANT MORE?
Brighton’s 20-year march from the brink of oblivion to the big time is a testament to team spirit and tenacity, on and off the pitch, writes Nick Miller.
Atlético Madrid’s Diego Godín has plenty of nice things to say about Leicester before their Big Cup return leg. “Jamie Vardy would fit in at the vast majority of teams in the world” is one of them. Read Sid Lowe’s pre-match scene-setting chat.
After José Mourinho out-schemed Antonio Conte’s sick boys, will other teams copy the formula that brought Manchester United victory, wonders Michael Cox.
Paolo Bandini looks back at an unusually entertaining Milan derby.
Bastia’s hooligan problem can no longer be indulged or ignored after the trouble against Lyon, report Adam White and Eric Devin.
Andy Brassell explains how Dortmund returned to winning ways but that, after last week’s bomb blasts, getting back to normality will obviously be more difficult.
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