This guy was prepared to pose like this in order to sell toilet paper. Oh dear. For the last month I've had these irritating PR emails from Nouvelle, the toilet roll company. And phonecalls, too. Loads of voicemails saying: "Do you want to write a story about all the free toilet roll we're giving out?" Well, not really, no, and neither does anyone else. That's the problem. Not an easy sell, toilet toll...
But when Greg called, I suddenly changed my mind. He's from Essex and works for some PR company that tries to flog stories about Nouvelle toilet paper. I decided to call him. "Greg," I said. "I've decided to do a story about Nouvelle toilet paper, and call it a blog roll." He said: "I'm on the toilet."
If you believe that, which you should because it's true, then read on. Greg - who incidentally is a contestant on the National Lottery quiz tomorrow night - said he would give me the inside story.
Greg was sat next to me now as I typed this blog, wearing a festival hat with a number 67 on it. They must have run out of 69s. "What's that bloke out The Kills called?" he said. "James... Don't know his surname. He goes out with Kate Moss - well, he requested extra bog roll for the festival, because he didn't want to run out, basically. No one else has bothered. We give it out to everyone. Like, 120,000 rolls to anyone who wants it. One of the girls in the office took the call. It was one of his people said we need more loo roll for the team, whatever."
I told him that was a great story that tabloids pick up, especially the Sun because it's a bit loo roll itself. "Do you think so?" he said. "Sweet. Are they checking your blogs now, are they?" I said they'll just pick it up somehow and not credit us. Google "that bloke James" and "bog roll" and see.
Give me more juicy rock'n'roll/bog roll facts, I said to Greg. He gets out a bit of paper and looks serious. He said: "By Friday 60% of Nouvelle soft rolls given out will stretch the length of Kenya and back."
Right. Here come another bit of paper. "Over 30 million cubic metres of waste paper has been recycled to produce the 120,000 rolls of Nouvelle soft which is being handed out at Glastonbury. If that waste was sent to landfill," he pauses now and does something with his lips, "it would require a landfill area the size of the Pyramid stage to accommodate it."
Greg's not having a large one tonight. He looks nervous about the National Lottery quiz. "Tomorrow, I've got to have my game show face on. I know my geography and history but not celebs. I'm gonna read up on Okay magazine to swat up."
