A MONKEY AWAY FROM A GREAT WORK OF LITERATURE
The Fiver has spent all day doffing its hat to David Moyes for his valiant attempt to stop people pointing and laughing at his Sunderland players before their match against Everton by ensuring they point and laugh at him instead. It’s the kind of classic deflection that would please Lord Ferg or José Mourinho: move the spotlight away from your own side’s shortcomings by saying something outlandish and off-topic that will fill the column inches instead. “We had a great team at Everton but we were missing a centre-forward,” said Moyes. “I might be exaggerating, but I think with that we would have been close to the Premier League, we were that good.”
Might be exaggerating? MIGHT be exaggerating? Actually, you know what? On reflection he might not. An argument from the “if my dog had wheels he’d be a skateboard” school of philosophy, we can only speculate whether it stands up to scrutiny, although those spoilsports from Leicester City have made it increasingly difficult to scoff at such apparently ridiculous claims. Everton? Winning the title? Well, in the 2004-05 season they finished fourth, a mere 34 points behind the title winners Chelsea and Moyes seems to think that if a team packed with gilded superstars such as Tony Hibbert, Tim Cahill, Lee Carsley and James McFadden had only had a more prolific centre-forward than Duncan Ferguson, then they might have been able to bridge that gap. It’s big talk from the former Toffees boss and something the Fiver would pay good money to see him say it to his big compatriot’s face.
Now the Fiver might be exaggerating, but having secured one point from their opening three games this season, Sunderland are showing signs that they could be close to the Premier League if it weren’t for the absence of a centre-forward, four midfielders, two or three defenders and a top class goalkeeper. As things stand, their new manager has to work with what he’s got and has already inspired confidence in Sunderland’s annual quest to hope really hard there’ll be three teams worse than them in the division by predicting a relegation battle before a ball was even kicked. With two wins and a draw from their opening three games of the season, his former club will arrive on Wearside buoyed with confidence albeit with in-form midfielder Ross Barkley looking a little chastened as he troops down the steps of the team bus.
“You can’t point your finger at somebody else,” said Everton manager Ronald Koeman, commenting on his midfielder’s claims that his recent omission from the England squad was more down to Mr Roy than any shortcomings on his own part. “You have to ask yourself what you can do better, what you need to improve to be selected. That’s how I think about football.” Blaming yourself rather than somebody who didn’t pick you or even play for you is a novel approach to blame apportion in football, but one the Fiver can’t help but think is unlikely to catch on.
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Follow hot MBM coverage of Sunderland 1-1 Everton with Simon Burnton from 8pm BST.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I promised Alan a statue some years back and I keep my word. It’s high and is certainly no shrinking violet, like Alan as player” – You got that right Freddy Shepherd! Alan Shearer’s 9ft scarecrow statue was unveiled outside St James’ Park on Monday. A snip at just £250,000.
FIVER LETTERS
• Re Dave Hill (Friday’s letters), maybe it’s just my rampant innocence but I always took purple tin to be Quality Street – Tom Bonsell.
• Please inform Dave Hill that he is likely to attract the attention of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, or possibly even the Department for Homeland Security, if he lays in a supply of Purple Tin, but that in sympathy with the Second Amendment (the right to ‘arm beers?), it’s name is Tennent’s Super... [Purple Tin - Fiver Ed] – Andy Fordham.
• If Alan Pardew ‘big fish, little fish, cardboard boxed’ in Friday’s Bits and Bobs (that one was definitely a Bob, not a bit), then shouldn’t Rob Smyth and Niall Quinn have ‘big man little man in the boxed’ in the Still Want Mores? ‘Scoop it up and head head head it’ sort of thing – Robin Hazlehurst.
• I was most/highly/extremely intrigued to by the photos chosen last week to illustrate the Guardian’s stories about the England U21s and Marcus Rashford (see here and here), particularly as both photos purported to show said Mr. Rashford completing his hat trick by converting a penalty. Whilst I have few doubts about his footballing abilities (nor about the probability that his presence might help liven up the soporific performances of the senior England team), it is a rare footballing genius indeed who can score the same penalty simultaneously with both feet – presumably performing some marvellous gymnastic contortions in mid-swing. I assume the poor goalkeeper faced with the task of trying to save the penalty was too confused to be able to prevent this exceedingly deceptively executed spot kick from entering the net – Chris Weaver.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. We have a prize to give away each day of this week, in the shape of Carrie Dunn’s excellent The Roar of the Lionesses, courtesy of the kind people at Pitch Publishing. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Robin Hazlehurst. Do send us your details, Robin.
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RECOMMENDED LISTENING - FOOTBALL WEEKLY
If you know the whereabouts of Tony Hibbert, do let the Football Weekly guys know.
BITS AND BOBS
Crystal Palace’s left-back Papa Souaré was airlifted to hospital after a motorway car crash. “The player has sustained injuries to his thigh and jaw bone and will remain in hospital whilst he receives treatment,” stated a statement. Best wishes Papa.
One appearance, two goals: Mario Balotelli has found his mojo again and plumped it in front of a microphone to say that he can still win the Ballon d’Or.
Fans of Salford City, Sky Sports and a bunch of swanky restaurants and hotels rejoice: Gary Neville is fully committed to you rather than a sideline in coaching.
Manchester United fans upset at their derby defeat can console themselves that the club earned 5.52896995708 Paul Pogbas last year. And that’s enough money for them to write poor old Bastian Schweinsteiger off as a £6.7m player asset.
Football Manager 2016 gamers get your scouts on assignment: Bournemouth and Leicester are chasing Udinese midfielder Jakub Jankto. Fabrizio Romano is our man with the EXCLUSIVE.
Bombshell alert: Pep Guardiola wants Manchester City to improve and Marco Verratti has discovered that second-best is not good enough for PSG before their two-team Big Cup contest with Arsenal.
Lovable scamp Michel Platini, who has just started a four-year ban from all football-related activity, will address this week’s Uefa congress in Athens after Fifa’s ethics committee decided that was an excellent idea.
After Barcelona’s shock defeat to Alavés, Timing’s Neymar appeased fans by announcing that he will be releasing a single on Wednesday on Facebook. “We will have #Neymusico. Share it”, hashtagged the Brazilian, on Twitter.
STILL WANT MORE?
Barney Ronay is full of praise for Pep Guardiola and his Manchester City team of plucky scrappers.
Paul Doyle got to watch Stoke City get trounced by Spurs at the weekend and it was eerily reminiscent of Mark Hughes’s QPR, of which there is no lower praise.
Barcelona lost to Alavés at the weekend, which means Sid Lowe’s blog on Spanish sunsets is going to have to wait for one more week.
40-years-old-in-two-weeks Francesco Totti is still scoring, writes Paolo Bandini, giving hope to Sunday League footballers in their 30s around the globe.
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, The Two Jakes, Three Men and a Baby, Four Lions, Five Easy Pieces, The Sixth Sense, Seven Psychopaths, 8mm, Nine and a Half Weeks and – you guessed it – TEN talking points from the weekend’s action.
All is not right at Taxpayers FC.
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