Age: Old and new at the same time.
Appearance: Kind of, you know, starchy.
Uh-oh, starchiness doesn’t sound good. It doesn’t?
No! It sounds old and fusty, and buttoned-up, and bad for you. Well tough luck, because starchiness is the hot new thing in food. In fact, it’s likely to become a new primary taste.
Like sweet and salty and bitter and sour? And umami, yes.
I could never work out what umami actually is. It’s umami-ish. Not salty or bitter but also both of those things. Beef is umami. Parmesan is umami. Mushroom is umami. Please don’t make me go through this again.
Right, I get it. Potatoes are umami. No, you idiot. Potatoes aren’t umami. Potatoes are starchy. That’s a completely different taste profile entirely.
Oh God. No, really, it is. The journal Chemical Senses has published findings by Prof Juyun Lim of Oregon State University. She claims that the starchy taste of carbohydrates – bread and pasta and rice and potatoes – is distinct enough to warrant a place at the primary taste table.
Really? So you’re saying that soon it will be sweet, salty, bitter, sour and ... potato? And umami, yes.
I bet you’re the sort of person who uses the word “mouthfeel” sincerely, aren’t you? Anyway, this is potentially quite an important discovery, because it might reveal why we find starchy foods so comforting.
And then what? And then, I don’t know, Heston Blumenthal will make a new TV series about starch and it will be called “Heston’s Perfect Starch”, and it will show him labouring for three years to make a bloody potato sandwich that perfectly encapsulates the memory of him getting lost on a beach in 1971, or whatever.
That came out of nowhere. Well, I mean this is getting out of control, isn’t it? Everything used to be so easy. Sweet, salty, bitter and sour used to cover everything. But umami has ruined it all for everyone. Now rice gets to be a primary taste? Whatever next? Eggs? Coco Pops? Marmite?
Marmite is umami. I know Marmite is umami. I’m the umami expert, remember?
Do say: “I’m getting hints of King Edward, followed by a great wash of Hovis Granary Batch.”
Don’t say: “I would like to return this salad. It isn’t starchy enough.”
