So there we are. Villa stay 6th, Birmingham stay 21st, and let us never speak of this again. To help you forget, why not join Ben Fisher for Brighton v Southampton? Otherwise, girl-bye!
Full-time: Birmingham City 0-0 Aston Villa
Alll that they, we, and the planet deserve.
Updated
90+5 min Adomah breaks down the left, finds Davis on the edge of the box near the left corner, and Roberts scythes him down! Te ref, somehow, doesn’t show him a second yellow, but what a chance to win it! ... Adomah floats over the top, and that’s that.
90+4 min Birmingham win a throw deep in the Villa half, and Roberts hurls it in. The crowd get excited, Birmingham win another, and Johnstone almost drops it before Terry welts clear.
90+3 min The ball bounces about midfield. It’s pretty invigorating, I can assure you.
90+2 min Changer for Birmingham: off goes Adams, on comes Jutkiewicz.
90+1 min On Sky, they’re now calling this a “nail-biter”. “Thumb-twiddler”, more like.
90 min There’ll be four added minutes.
90 min Whelan is Andy Hinchcliffe’s man of the match. I’m not sure he’s deserved it, but nor has anyone else.
88 min Jedinak leans into Boga, Sheryl Sandberg-style, and gives away a free-kick, left of centre, 30 yards out. And Adams’ delivery is good, but Whelan is first to the second ball and hooks away well.
87 min “As a Villa fan, I’d be interested to see if you (a neutral) think this team can go up. I’m pretty negative about Bruce and his tactics and without Kodjia we lack any guile and class.”
As I said at the start, looking at the XI, it looks good enough to have a good go. But looking at how its played today, it looks good enough for mid-table obscurity.
85 min Birmingham have improved again, and Adams finds Gallagher inside the box. He tries to allow the ball down the side of him, rolling Chester in the process, but Chester has seen far too much and whips away possession easily enough.
83 min “I feel like you haven’t enjoyed this match, Daniel,” deduces Elliot Carr-Barnsley.
It has been miserable, despite the presence of four-time Premier League champion and one-tie European champion, Tomas Kuszczak.
82 min Change for Birmingham: Boga replaces Jota.
81 min Kodjia hurt himself in the act and Hogan replaces him.
80 min Villa hit the bar! Kodjia stretches Birmingham down the left then cuts inside and into the box, losing his footing, regaining it, and curling a shot which skips off the top of the woodwork!
78 min Villa clatter the bar! Lovely interplay between Whelan and Hutton, the former playing in the latter which draws Kuszczak out to smother. The ball breaks to Davis, who gets a beautiful connection from a narrowish angle, only to annihilate the woodwork. Perhaps, though, he, well, you know ... hit that too well.
77 min But Onomah it is leading a break when the free-kick is wasted, only for Roberts, who’s done well, to tackle.
76 min Onomah fouls someone - I wish it was me, just to have something to say - but it wasn’t, and he’s booked.
74 min So Davis goes up front and immediately causes a problem, skating by Roberts who slides in and brings him down He’s booked, and Villa have a free-kick 30 yards out, marginally left of centre; Adomah chips is to the left side of the box, where Jota is up, and here comes another corner to waste. It’s wasted.
74 min But here he is: Davis replaces Hourihane.
72 min Kieftenbeld lifts a ball over the top, seeking Jota, but he can’t catch up with it and Villa get a goalkick. On the touchline, Keinan Davis has been waiting to come on for a while, but with his team now in the ascendancy, Steve Bruce is making him hang on.
71 min Jedinak goes in hard on N’Doye, and there’s a tantalising tease of set-to before they jog off.
69 min Birmingham are back sitting deep as Villa crank up the pressure. Will someone find the quality to break the deadlock?
66 min So close! Villa win a free-kick on the right, 25 yards from goal and in off the line, which Hourihane curls in flat and beautiful. Terry is up too, backheading nicely, but the ball flies just wide.
66 min Momentum appears to have tilted towards Villa.
63 min Nice from Vila, Hourihane sliding a perfectly-weighted pass out to Adomah down the right, and he measures a cross towards the back post ... where Kodjia is waiting to pound a header towards the top corner ... but Kuszczak was mving towards it so is in position to palm away. The eventuating corner comes to nothing, as does the one it subsequently begets.
62 min Birmingham win a corner, Villa clear through Elmohamady, and Hourihane could feed Adomah, looking to break, but instead boots the ball up in the air. The element of surprise is always key.
61 min Immediately, Villa arrive into the half, Elmohamady crossing from the right and Kodjia heading wide. Better, for the nothing that’s worth.
60 min And here comes a Villa change: Jedinak replaces Snodgrass, so his team will sit in I imagine. He’ll go into the middle of midfield and Onomah will perhaps go out onto the left.
58 min Roberts is up at the back post to nod a free-kick down and Adams’ shot it blocked behind. Then, from the corner, Roberts is there again, this time with his right foot, drilling a shot which Gallagher looks to turn in, but sends wide. The chances are coming now, though.
57 min Actually I’m not sure what Steve Bruce is waiting for. His team were under the pump – ok, the drip – at the end of the first half, they still are nearly 15 minutes into the second, and showing no signs of improvement.
55 min This is rancid from Villa, and they’re showing no signs of resolving matters.
52 min N’Doye and Whelan jump for the ball, the former catcing the latter across the phizog with a swinging forearm. N’Doye is booked, while Whelan bleeds.
51 min “Now you just need to give a tutorial on how to pronounce ‘shvach’, tweets Rivka Oppenheim.
Ok, here we go: the “a” is pronounced “u” as in “muck”, and the “ch” is guttural. So you might write it phonetically as “shvukh”.
50 min Birmingham are into this now and find Jota on the right; he curls a cross into the middle but Elmohamady does just enough, leaning into Gallagher and forcing him to head over the top.
48 min WHAT A MISS! Hourihane plays a blind ball towards Terry and Jota reads it, skating through the middle before absolutely caning a shot over the top from in front of goal, as though on purpose. MAGICAL STUFF!
Updated
46 min “I chuck ‘cardboard and clapper’ at you – hey, they’re not solid enough to hurt you, so you wouldn’t complain?” asks Nathan Rippin, a Shanghai Villain.
I’ve had worse chucked at me at the game and not complained, but as Birmingham prepare to take a free-kick, delayed by more of the same, a bottle appears onto the pitch which is too much. Anyway, the ball winds up behind.
46 min We pootle again.
Kevin Phillips reckons Gallagher might be more of a threat than Vassell - he’s quick, though not as quick, and also good in the air.
The players are back with us.
This is better.
Half-time: Birmingham City 0-0 Aston Villa
Fill in the rest yourselves.
45+3 min This is the definition of “shvach”.
45 min There shall be three added minutes.
45 min Oh dear. Vassell has hurt himself, clattered earlier by Hutton in a challenge that didn’t look especially noteworthy. Sam Gallagher replaces him.
Updated
45 min Villa just haven’t got going. The problem, perhaps, is their defence can’t get up the park because of Vassell’s pace, so they’ve too much work to do feeding their midfield.
42 min Hunks of cardboard and clapper are still being chucked onto the pitch. Given they’re not solid enough to hurt anyone, I’m struggling to see why this is attracting the opprobrium of the commentators.
41 min JR is back, quoting Urban Dictionary: “Rooting for the meteor. What a sports fan does when their two most hated rivals face each other, especially in a championship match. Since rooting for either team would be sacrosanct, the only possible positive outcome would be for a meteor to land and simultaneously obliterate both rivals.
Fan 1: “I’m not even watching the World Series this year. You?”
Fan 2: “Yeah, I’ll be watching. I’m rooting for the meteor.”
Yes, but is that a proverb?
39 min Adams goes down the right and punts over a cross; N’Doye is up well, but the presence of Hutton is enough to force his header straight down and straight at Johnstone. But Birmingham are in the ascendancy now.
38 min Mathematicians: would it be fair to call the score of a football a matrix, as per the following sentence: “There’s a handy matrix for determining which side deserves to win a football match: the score. If one side dominates and the other sneaks a goal, they imposed their will.”
I’t s a 2x1, right?
37 min Hutton leaves one on Vassell, so there’s a break while he receives treatment.
35 min “As a West Brom fan I am rooting for the proverbial meteor,” emails JR in Illinois. I’m not quite sure of the proverb to which he’s referring, but lucily it doesn’t matter. “Nah, I’m just joking around,” he says. “The Baggies are so firmly entrenched at the top of the West Midlands that these clubs are no threat and I can lord it over all the Blues and Villains fans in Illinois (of which I know none). Good times! Back to that meteor, it would be very okay with me if it just landed on John Terry.”
You know he’d head it clear and walk off adjusting his captain’s armband like nothing happened.
33 min Nice from Jota, turning a ball from touchline to inside-right, first time. And Davies charges onto it, but cant do anything with his cross. BUT WHAT’S THIS?! Johnstone clears via groundkick, but Vassell charges at him, gets a solid buttock on it, and the ball races only just wide.
32 min I say Elmohamady, but I’ll only ever know him as “Elmer” after his time at Sunderland.
31 min Villa find a bit of space on the right, but Elmohamady sticks in a cross before Kodjia, who was involved in that first bit, is in position to contest it.
30 min Villa have been really disappointing so far, while Birmingham are doing as you’d expect. And Jota, finding himself in space, attacks Hutton, cutting inside and dragging a shot straight at Johnstone.
29 min Vassell wins possession just outside the Villa box and N’Doye charges into it, but Onomah does enough to rob him.
28 min Kodjia gets the chance to stretch his legs so Kieftenbeld boots him. He’s not booked, though the offence looks worse than those which got Adams and Snodgrass yellows. The free-kick comes to nowt.
27 min But Birmingham win a throw down the right, hurled to the near post and flicked on by Vassell; the ball drops for Adams, who tries a scissors kick and it’s a fair effort too, but Chester is on-hand to block.
26 min I’ve seen better games.
24 min Grounds concedes an unnecessary free-kick down the right and Hourihane has the chance to bend one in, 25 yards out, if he can wear the cardboard being chucked at him from the stands. His ball is a decent one as it turns out, looking for Terry at the near post, but Grounds redeems himself by heading away.
23 min Nice from Adams, diddling Colin and crossing. And in the middle, Vassell goes down, but it turns out he achieved thus pulling Terry and the ref gives Villa a free-kick.
22 min Hutton tries a cross and the ball rebounds to Onomah, who tries a cross, and the ball ends up behind for a goalkick.
20 min There was a brief fear that this match wouldn’t be on in the office, so there was a brief discussion about simply making up the MBM. So far, there’d not be much difference either way.
18 min David Davis is even less sneaky than his namesake, looking to chest down and using an arm instead. On the plus side, he didn’t plunge the country into needless recession, which is good.
16 min Ah, a set-to. Adams shoves Elmohamady over while following through, Snodgrass reacts by doing very little, and he and Adams are booked. Not really necessary, in mine.
15 min Snodgrass is pelted with clappers before clipping a corner to the near post, where Terry attacks it. He can’t get enough head around the ball though,so uszczak saves easily enough.
13 min Good from Adomah, persevering down the left, and though his low cross is cleared, the ball squeaks out towards Whelan, who winds up a shot ... blocked by Davis. Corner to Villa.
11 min Villa win a throw down the left and Hutton is suitably abused as he prepares to take it. It goes short, and Onomah and Adomah fiddle before the cross comes in - nothing comes of it and Birmingham tear forward with Kieftenbeld, but Chester and Hutton both do really well to hold him up and block any pass.
10 min It nearly happens, N’Doye bobbing a header over the top for Vassell. But Villa see him away, try to break, and Kieftenbeld tanks in to stick the ball into the stands as Adomah raids.
9 min Kodjia finds space on the right and cuts inside, thrashing a shot at goal, but one straight at Kuszczak.
7 min Onomah looks really confident – Villa need to get him on the ball whenever possible. Birmingham, meanwhile, are looking to release Vassell through the middle wherever possible - he’ll have legs on everyone in the division, let alone Terry and Chester. But who’s good enough to play the killer pass?
6 min Nice down the left from Onomah, Kodjia and Adomah; Adomah beats Colin and crosses, but Grounds sis there to clear.
5 min Birmingham aren’t pressing Villa in their own half, instead looking to stay compact and restrict pace. Villa, on the other hand, are hassling the home defenders in possession.
3 min Jota comes in off the left and looks to shoot, but Hourihane slides in decisively to block.
2 min Immediately, Villa have Birmingham pinned back. They spend a while stuck on the right touchline before forcing a throw - Elmohamady is showered with invective as he retrieves the ball just as he should be. Eventually, a cross then makes its way into the box, and Kodjia reaches it before Morrison, but the pressure is enough to force his header wide.
1 min Villa, in all black, set us away.
The travelling faithful 👊#PartOfThePride #AVFC pic.twitter.com/9E8TlLrCzx
— Aston Villa FC (@AVFCOfficial) October 29, 2017
Email: “Pride of Lions (the badge),” educates Jamie Wilson. “As a Villa fan all faintly embarrassing.”
Gosh. Wonder if any supporter has even self-referred thusly.
“Into the noise they come” - well yes, but one made by those awful clappers, accentuated by those awful flame-thrower things.
Here comes the teams!
Anyone able to explain this hashtag, please?
📸 Derby day preparations…#PartOfThePride #AVFC pic.twitter.com/hfyvP4XxlD
— Aston Villa FC (@AVFCOfficial) October 29, 2017
Competition time:
Hope Birmingham win this derby because that ‘yippee aye’ song villa sing is possibly the worst thing in football. And I’ve been to Reading.
— Baldulent (@Baldulent) October 29, 2017
I’m going Hull’s “Mauled by the Tigers”.
The atmosphere is starting to pick up and the ground is starting to fill up. Is St Andrews the coldest place in the country to watch football? I know there are those who’d go Boundary Park, but it’s certainly top of my league.
Keith Andrews reckons John Terry has been more important off the pitch than on it. I’m not sure about that, but it’s strange hearing people talk about his professional attitude and it being true, given all the other stuff that’s true.
Kevin Phillips has a pretty bushy beard. I’m finding this tricky to process, but I’m not certain why.
Steve Bruce is looking pretty well uno. Anyway, he says Onomah took his chance when Davis was rested – “the big thing he wants to do is play” – funny that. “Big game, always nice to win,” he says. More news as I get it.
Naturally, Sky are showing us Peter Enckleman; is any man so synonymous with any derby match?
Looking at that Villa team, they really have a decent crack at going up. Kodjia is a player, Adomah is a threat, Onomah has a touch of class and there’s plenty of knowhow elsewhere. Birmingham, not so much.
How it really is.
📸 @GAME_Bullring's #GAMECommunityCup looking to find the person with the best shooting skills in town! Visit the Family Zone now. #BCFC pic.twitter.com/Cq2bakgR4G
— Birmingham City FC (@BCFC) October 29, 2017
Solid news.
Speaking to Birmingham and Villa fans. "Is there anything - anything at all - that you respect about Aston Villa? Even historically?"
— Andy Mitten (@AndyMitten) October 29, 2017
"No." pic.twitter.com/f8Fg5iEHQW
So, one change for Birmingham following their defeat at Millwall: Jota is in for Maghoma on the wing. Villa, meanwhile, are unchanged after beating Fulham but will be chuffed to have Mile Jedinak back on the bench.
Hunks and Dishes
Birmingham City: Kuszczak, Colin, Morrison, Roberts, Grounds, Davis, N’Doye, Kieftenbeld, Jota, Adams, Vassell. Subs: Trueman, Dean, Gardner, Maghoma, Boga, Gallagher, Jutkiewicz.
Aston Villa: Johnstone, Elmohamady, Chester, Terry, Hutton, Snodgrass, Whelan, Hourihane, Onomah, Kodjia, Adomah. Subs: Steer, De Laet, Samba, Jedinak, Bjarnason, Hogan, Davis.
Preamble
What’s in a name? Simply have a child and consult what other parents at nursery deem acceptable to find out! Except none of it means anything, which is, by amazing coincidence, why we’re here right now! I know!
Because “Second City derby” is, surely, the worst moniker in sport – worse than Josh “the People’s Warrior” Burkeman, Joe “J-Lau” Lauzon, Alastair “Chef” Cook and any others you choose to send in. And yet it tells us absolutely nothing about that which we’re about to enjoy, that being needle, antipathy, disdain, disrespect, hatred and all the rest of it. Oh, and possibly some football.
Kick-off: 12pmGMT
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