THE LATEST NEWS FROM OUR SCOTTISH AND SWISS BUREAUX
A major story is unfolding in the world of football right now. The Pope’s O’Rangers, the famous old club banished to the fourth tier of the Scottish league system in 2012 for financial eejitry, had widely been expected to complete their return journey to the top in the minimum time possible: three seasons, three promotions. However they suddenly appear in danger of falling at the final hurdle. Last night, Motherwell rocked up at Ibrox and scored three times in the first leg of the Premiership play-off. They could have had six. Kris Boyd couldn’t have looked any more upset if you served him a plate of vegetables. And so another humiliation for the Glasgow giants is very much on the cards. What a huge story!
However, these days it’s considered gauche in the extreme to waste one’s time watching and talking about actual games of football. Instead, the properly informed fan is expected to devote their attention to the windswept and romantic sphere of sports administration. And so all eyes right now are on Zurich, where earlier this week the shocking news broke that some bureaucrats are occasionally dishonest. This nuclear bombshell exploded in Sepp Blatter’s face on Wednesday, a metaphorical blow that would have done for mere mortals. But Sepp shares many biological similarities with the cockroach, and has not only survived the blast, but is happily breathing in the fallout as if it were the very elixir of life. He’s sucking that stuff down, and going from strength to strength to boot! He’s quite the scientific phenomenon.
The Sepproach is expected to be sworn in again as Fifaführer at the culmination of the 65th Fifa Denialfest, held at the Hallenstadion, a Zurich conference centre with bunker facilities, later today. Confirmation should come around the time The Fiver reaches your inbox, or perhaps 6pm, or maybe even 8pm, though to be honest, we don’t much care. We know we’re supposed to at least pretend, but we can’t be bothered. But then our attitude only mirrors that of just about everyone at Concacaf, the CAF, the AFC, the OFC and Conmebol, who stand four-square behind Blatter and his discredited regime, serious change evidently of little interest to them. It also matches the laissez-faire mindset of the man himself, who this morning delivered a brazen 25-minute soliloquy in which he promised to “tackle the problems that have been created” but quickly added that “you can’t just ask people to behave ethically just like that”, before shrugging his shoulders and shuffling off for a seven-course lunch. Then coffee, digestifs, petits fours.
With everyone knowing full well that Blatter is to be re-elected, real drama was at a premium. But there were scraps. At one point the Hallenstadion received a bomb threat. A member of security acted decisively upon taking the call, immediately yawning and scratching his tail, before sauntering up and down a corridor, waving his hand airily in the vague direction of the exit, sort of clearing it but not with any great urgency. Happily, the threat turned out to be a hoax. Meanwhile a crowd gathered outside to protest at the treatment of World Cup 2022 building workers in Qatar, while back inside two Palestinian demonstrators loudly demanded the suspension of the Israeli FA, and were viciously rugby tackled out of the venue for their troubles. Plenty of problems await Blatter as he begins his 98th term in charge, then. And yet he’ll be thankful for small mercies: none of them are as big as the poser facing poor old Stuart McCall at Fir Park on Sunday.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Been doing some checking. 3500 workers on 5 stadia sites 6 million hrs worked – no fatalities” – Richard Keys has run the numbers and says there is no blood on Qatar’s hands. More objective defending of his paymasters here (“I live here, I know”).
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
The Exploding Heads present the story of this season’s FA Cup, starring Adebayo Akinfenwa, Garth Crooks and much more.
LONG-HELD TWITTER ‘BEEF’ OF THE DAY
5 February 2014: “@SUFCRootsHall We get it, you beat us in a semi-final. Now if u don’t mind we need to get back to our promotion challenge to the Championship” – Leyton Orient engage in some social media badinage with Southend United.
29 May 2015: “@leytonorientfc You were saying …” – Roots Hall social media badinage!
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BITS AND BOBS
Preston forward Jermaine Beckford has given schoolboy Ted Dockray a replacement shirt of his after one appeared to be snatched from him at North End’s Wembley play-off triumph last weekend. “It’s the best way to spend half-term,” whooped Ted. “He is a really skilful player and I’m going to put his shirt in a frame on the wall.”
Timing’s Wojciech Szczesny has had a pop at his dad on the eve of the FA Cup final, five months after Maciej called Per Mertesacker “a rhinoceros” and defended the Arsenal keeper over reports of him smoking in the showers at St Mary’s. “I have not spoken to him in more than two years and just like everybody else I have had enough of his idiotic comments,” sniffed Szczesny Jnr.
Villa boss Tim Sherwood has taken time out from preparing for the final to reveal that Christian Benteke has got a £32.5m buy-out clause and say that the Belgian should be looking for better suitors than ones coming down the M6 from Anfield. “If he were to stay here and score at the ratio that he has since I took over, and ends up with 20 or 30 goals next season and then has a good Euros, he is probably playing for Real Madrid,” he parped.
Meanwhile, Liverpool’s £10m derisory bid for Nathaniel Clyne has been kicked straight back at them by Southampton.
Belgium boss Marc Wilmots is pondering whether to trouser a few more Euros by taking over at Schalke. “I will in any case never resign, but I do have the freedom to get out on the basis of a clause in my contract,” base-covered Wilmots.
And Wilson Palacios and Thomas Sorensen are among the Stoke City players looking for pastures new.
STILL WANT MORE?
Barney Ronay. Tim Sherwood. Read.
Raf Honigstein has the lowdown on Jürgen Klopp’s ‘super-cool’ Dortmund departure.
This week’s Joy of Six is on curtailed playing careers, courtesy of Paul Doyle and Daniel Harris.
It’s cup final day in Scottish fitba on Saturday too, and Ewan Murray reports on Inverness Caley Thistle’s attempt at making history against Falkirk.
You are the Ref. Yes, you too can be Jon Moss.
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‘I HAD A VISION I COULD TURN YOU RIGHT. A STUPID MISSION AND A LETHAL FIGHT’
