Like those raddled old Floridian housewives who can't get enough of stories about JFK's doomed clan, Lost in Showbiz has become insanely obsessed with the family of Steve Irwin, the deceased crocodile larrikin. They are, as previously indicated, Australia's Kennedys.
This column intends to spend the summer dressed in velour pantsuits and cheap knits, devouring trashy magazines about all the goings-on at Australia Zoo - the Irwin Camelot - before calling a like-minded friend and rasping "Oh my gaaaaad, did you hear?" while alternating between long drags on Virginia Slim cigarettes and stuffing its face with liqueur chocolates. Hair? Platinum and heavily teased, obviously.
And so to the latest developments in the Irwin family's beautiful, damned life, with news that Steve's nine-year-old daughter, Bindi, has launched her own clothing range. Yes, Bindi Wear International was unveiled in Melbourne this week, and we shall come to our little child star cliche shortly.
First, though, it's time for an update on the simmering feud between Terri Irwin, the cargo-trousered Jackie O, and Steve's father, Bob, whom madam is rumoured to have cast from the Australia Zoo compound despite the fact it was he who originally established the venue before passing it on to Steve. Declining to be drawn on the matter, Terri offered a witheringly sympathetic summary. "He is a gentleman of retirement age who has suffered a lot in the last few years," she stated curtly. "I hope he makes his way and has a good life."
Whereupon I do hope the assembled reporters snapped their fingers and whooped: "Grandpa's been told!"
Further recipients of Terri's scorn include women who wear fur. "Hey," she suggested sarcastically, "put on a coat and look like a roadkill bear." Why, thank you, darling, I will! At least I won't be wearing ... what do you call your outfit? A park ranger suit? Not that it doesn't look lovely and roomy ...
But it was always going to be Bindi's day - mummy would see to that, so help her - as the pint-sized polymath sought to remind us why children should never be seen and not heard.
"In America they are looking for the next president," Bindi informed her public, "and I've listened to everybody and, nothing against them, but they are talking about jobs, houses, developments, money, money and more money, and there is nothing about conservation. I haven't heard anything about that," she continued, evidently perplexed by the emphasis on basic healthcare across key US demographics. "We really do need to start doing something. We can't eat money in the long run."
Alas, before there was time to ask for her thoughts on the way out of the credit crunch, Bindi took to the catwalk in some of her designs, which sport slogans such as "Tigers should be loved not rugs". A tempting purchase, certainly - and do be mindful that, as well as the fashion range, Bindi has also released an album, a fitness DVD, and her own action figure doll. (Incidentally, if your brother cuts the hair off it then you both go to hell. Sorry, junior rangers: no special pleading.)
Speaking of brothers, though, why do we see so little of Bindi's younger sibling, Robert - who, at four, should be easily capable of helming one of the Irwin family's smaller commercial ventures? He's like the Irwin Boo Radley. Come out and play, Robert. Otherwise people will talk, or become irrationally angry. Let's not forget that in the weeks after Steve Irwin's death, there were revenge killings of at least 10 stingrays, who were found mutilated on various beaches. That's right, Queenslanders! You make those dasyatids pay! Even if it does cement your state's reputation as a sort of Paulsgrove in surf shorts, or rather the sunny version of wherever it was the paediatrician got mistaken for a paedophile.
Anyway, that about rounds up our Australia's Kennedys for now, but let's come back to them soon and often - mindful that Terri's story arc is due an Aristotle Onassis. Enter John Howard? We shall see, my darlings, we shall see.
