It is so surprise to anyone who knows me that Carrie Fisher is my hero. One of the best compliments I ever received was from Fisher, another was a friend comparing my writing style to Fisher’s without knowing what that means to me. All this to say that today is a holiday of sorts.
But for all my love and celebrating of Fisher, there is a sadness that comes with the day. She would have been 69 years old. Fisher passed away in 2016 and it is one of those celebrity deaths I don’t think I will ever get over. What makes this day so much harder too is that many look for Fisher’s daughter, Billie Lourd, to post about their “space momby.”
Lourd is almost forced to mourn publicly every year and this year, her post for Fisher was vulnerable and, frankly, relatable. My own father passed away in 2021. He was 70 years old and every day I think about how my niece and nephew would react to him. Which is what makes Lourd’s incredibly open post about Fisher very moving to me.
In her post, Lourd said that her son asked how Fisher died. And she didn’t lie to him. “I told him that she didn’t take care of her body – telling him the truth without telling him the whole truth,” she wrote. And shared that her son then connected how he takes care of himself and his parents take care of themselves to what happened. “Death isn’t looming at our doorsteps the way it always was for her. That’s a conversation for later years. He didn’t push me for more answers so we left it at that. But it broke my heart.”
Lourd went on to talk about how she felt angry at her mother for what has happened. “And made me mad at her. It’s weird being mad at a dead person because you don’t really have anywhere to put the emotion. But it’s still there and I’ve had to learn to allow myself to feel all the things – mad at her for not getting sober but also sad for her that she wasn’t able to get sober but also happy that she existed at all,” she wrote. “So I allowed myself to be mad for a moment but then realized I also do want her birthday to have some happy in it. Especially for my kids. She was a brilliant magical human and I want them to know that.”
That anger and grief is sadly universal
It is a pain that is often hard to verbalize. Which is why, I think, I was so moved and connected to Lourd’s post. When we talk of the dead, we often want to only remember the good parts. But anniversaries hit a bit harder. You’re forced to remember why they’re not here anymore and it can be painful.
I wish that I could remember October 12th and be excited to see what my dad is up to. Instead, I remember how he turned 70 in the hospital and barely recognized what was happening. My 30th birthday was spent with him thinking I was my baby niece and my brother having to get him to sing my birthday song he sang for me every single year.
Those memories hurt but that’s what I have, much like Lourd who has to think about losing her mother and come to terms with a lot of her own feelings on the situation. Luckily, the dead parent club is one that many know and this pain isn’t a solitary feeling.
I will forever be grateful to Lourd for sharing this because it made me feel less alone in my own grief. Carrie Fisher meant the world to me and Lourd doesn’t have to share her with us all but she does and I hope she knows that she’s not alone.
(featured image: Lynn Goldsmith/Corbis/VCG via Getty Images)
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