Thanks for all your wonderful and quite bizarre questions!
Thanks for all your wonderful and quite bizarre questions!
Keiren Standen asks:
What’s your favourite sport?
Guardian contributor At the moment it's standup paddleboarding. Partly because it involves standing up which is something I've perfected over the years and because it involves a bit of balance and physical exertion and there's the right amount of exercise alongside a zen-like meditative quality where you appear to be walking on water. you have a better field of view than in a kayak. You feel a sense of freedom, you have to focus, you have to balance, but there's something about propelling yourself on the water... I hear an evolutionary echo of our former selves. This is a simple and basic way of getting around. Last year I was in southern Tasmania in a place called Melaleuca and there were these Aboriginal bark canoes which they would stand on and paddle. These were the first standup paddleboards! This is why it feels such a natural thing to do.
See more about Bill’s paddleboarding here.
Knotting asks:
Which is more important – pigeons or ham?
Guardian contributor Pigeons. Because they may not be here forever. And ham will be. For example, the passenger pigeon is a case in point. Everyone thought it would be here forever because there were so many of them, there were literally billions. As recently as 1866 an eyewitness report saw a flock a mile wide, 14 miles long and it took 14 hours for it to fly past. When you see a proliferation like that you can't imagine they'll be gone, ever. They were hunted indiscriminately, there was no thought as to whether the population might diminish. The tragedy was that in 1913, there was one left. Called Martha, in Cincinnati zoo. She died in captivity. And that was the end for passenger pigeons. Who would have thought it in 1866?
Toupee or hair transplant? Neither. Stand near a hedge of hair and pretend it's your own
Toupee or hair transplant? Neither. Stand near a hedge of hair and pretend it’s your own
UnrealFire asks:
How long does it take you to write a show? Are you structured about it? With a pen or out loud?
Guardian contributor It probably takes about a year. And that includes writing and trying material out in small venues. The actual creative process takes less time, a few months, but the winnowing out of the material that doesn't get used takes a lot longer. I tend to write in different ways, I used to think it was good to record your voice, and if you had an idea, just record it, and then I did it on my phone and there was lots of these little random mumbled ideas I was speaking in a public place, embarrassed, and they didn't make any sense. So now I always have a laptop so I don't lose bits of paper, and write material on a pad with a pen, then transfer it to the computer so the dog doesn't have it. On screen you can arrange it a bit better and improve it. But there's no easy way, you have to say it out loud. Even funny ideas that look good on paper morph into something else when you speak them to an audience. Those are variables that have unexpected benefits or sometimes don't work at all. It's a long, labour intensive process and it doesn't end. It's one long... my life's work, really.
alinim asks:
Just for Kay Burley’s benefit – how do you say “my pleasure” in Spanish?
Guardian contributor
guard_dave asks:
Maybe you have the answer … How can we solve today’s refugee crisis?
Guardian contributor Let's start the easy ones! Where do you start? People have been travelling round the world for centuries. If you're going to be pedantic about it you could say 40,000 years, and we're still moving round the planet. In the current crisis, it's so hard because inevitably it causes all manner of ill feeling with local people, you can't avoid it. People are stateless, helpless. How do you cope with that and the needs of your own local population? It's a terrible dilemma. I think it will probably get worse before it gets better. There won't be a solution til there's a solution in Syria. How could you deny someone the right to seek a better life? We haven't got that right. It needs a massive effort, way more than is happening right now.
Glen Pierce asks:
Liberace or Bobby Crush?
Guardian contributor Ooh that's a tricky one. I'd say Bobby Crush, because I listened to a lot of his records, my mum liked his stuff and I think she secretly wanted me to play piano a bit more like that, a bit more showbiz.
Tea – bags or loose leaf? Is one of the hardest questions I've ever been asked
Tea – bags or loose leaf? Is one of the hardest questions I’ve ever been asked
binmandom asks:
Tea. Bags or loose leaf?
Guardian contributor This is probably one of the hardest questions I've ever been asked. Because your heart says loose leaf, but your head says teabags. You know you should be using loose leaf, but I feel terrible guilt brought on by the tyranny of pragmatism. Here's the thing: compromise. Put the tea bag in, and then deliberately sabotage it with a spoon.
smeg40 asks:
Bill, are you a morning person or a night owl and what do you think of when the lights go out at bedtime?
Guardian contributor I'm both really. I like the morning because I take my son to school, and I like having a coffee and the early morning hustle and bustle. Particularly if you're in the wild I'll make an effort to see the dawn because the light is the best of the day. But equally when I'm working I tend to just find the nighttime is easier to concentrate and I'll write or make music all night. I quite like the city for that, because you can walk the streets under a neon glow. It's comforting, like my night light.
SRamsden asks:
Do you think there will ever be a Black Books reunion special? I’d like to think that 20 years after the last series ended, it turns out that Bernard, Manny and Fran are all exactly the same as when we last saw them.
Guardian contributor I'd like to think that too. We've joked over the years about doing variously a stage musical, a live show, Dylan and I had this notion that we'd be cops called Towpath and Lavender and we'd solve crimes because we were gourmet chefs and aesthetes, so we'd know when people were lying because they were drinking the wrong wine, using the wrong ingredients. 'You'd never get white truffles at this time of year!'
Robert Slack asks:
In Hotfuzz your two characters are reading Iain Banks and Iain M Banks – which is your favourite?
Guardian contributor I've read a lot of both and it's really a mood thing for me. Iain Banks novels are darker, more set in the human world and deal with all kinds of strange psychological and quite dark subject matter. Iain M Banks is when I'm in more of a fantasy escapist mood.
Geezerj asks:
What is the largest animal you could throw over a football crossbar? I recon I could do a cheetah.
Guardian contributor Ooh that's tricky. I'd say maybe a small stoat. Or any of the mustelid family.
ID5184906 asks:
Besides the intro to Enter Sandman, what else can you play on an arrangement of rubber bicycle horns?
Guardian contributor Pretty much anything that falls within a two-octave limit and is not so fast as is physically impossible to play with my hands. Anything by Sting.
Marke66 asks:
Any chance of the rubber bishops getting together again?
Guardian contributor Probably not! But I'm not going to say never. They said that about the Co-op.
doswillrule asks:
You’re a fantasy fan: I’d expect you to be a sort of nerd icon, but from what I’ve seen, that stuff doesn’t enter into your comedy too often. Has the recent acceptance and embrace of ‘geek culture’ and niche pursuits been liberating in any way (personally or in terms of what an audience will understand)?
Guardian contributor It's finally vindicated what I've been banging on about all these years. I often think I'm in some parallel universe and I look through frosted glass at another world where people are enjoying reality shows and bake offs that I don't understand. And I think, it's just me and my own thoughts and my log drum and my weird instruments and love of dark Finnish film making and strange metal music from Poland. But now I know that others thing like this it's reassuring. Finally, you feel 'others feel like this' and it is liberating, you're right.
BewilderedMark asks:
Have you ever been mistaken for another celebrity?
Guardian contributor This happens all the time. Usually the Bills. Bill Oddie: I like your bird stuff. Oh, I love your travel stuff! No, I'm not Bill Bryson. Can you sign this book anyway?
Nick Greaves asks:
Who is your fave piano composer?
Guardian contributor I'd say Rachmaninov, because it's so technically challenging and it shows off the piano to a tremendous degree. It's a lifelong ambition to master even a little of it. Some of these composers had huge hands so it's physically very difficult to play this stuff. Liszt was another one. No wonder you can't play it! If I could get a prosthetic extra hand I could put mine into... that's what I'm talking about. Robotic, prosthetic piano hands.
mendonca asks:
What’s your favourite bird?
Guardian contributor Puffin. Swims like a fish, moves like a cow. What's not to love about a puffin?
Guardian contributor
Owlyross asks:
Have you ever had any “feedback” from the artists you’ve parodied in your shows, good or bad?
Essentially I’m trying to find out if you’d been offered out by Chris de Burgh, but equally if Kraftwerk gave you a left arm in, left arm out, whether Bryan Adams complimented you on your commitment to racial equality via the medium of his songs, and whether the Edge wanted to talk guitar pedals with you.
Guardian contributor I've only heard this through a third party but I'm reliably informed that when U2 were doing a soundcheck on their 360 tour the Edge's guitar stopped working and he said 'queue the Bill Bailey jokes! I supposed you think I'm Bill Bailey now?' Kraftwerk, I met one of the young ones at Brixton academy and he went, 'Yes, they are aware', It was the most Kraftwerk response!
Jervillian asks:
One of my favourite routines of yours was when you mocked Smack That by Akon. “A round of balderdash, glass of wine, and err... possibly... you know... possibly, err?”.
Given that track is now 10 years old – what do you think of the current state of songwriting in the pop charts? Are you still listening to contemporary radio, or, like me, have you checked out of the Now That’s Not What I Call Music 99 playlists for all time?
Guardian contributor I think that there has been a malign influence of X Factor and reality shows, not that these are anything new but the conflation of pop music and celebrity has warped the creative process. Genuine individuality and quirky talent gets lost in the mix and isn't the marketable product those programmes aim for. That's not to say that there's not enormous creativity around. The internet is a place where bands and musicians can write, produce and distribute their music in a way not available to them before. So there's an industry that subverts the juggernaut of telly and marketing. I think that's in a very healthy state. There's great stuff out there, you just have to find it.
I think the beard is mortally wounded. It's going to take a lot of positive reinforcement to coax it back to life
I think the beard is mortally wounded. It’s going to take a lot of positive reinforcement to coax it back to life
daveid1976 asks:
Have hipsters killed the beard?
Guardian contributor I think the beard is mortally wounded. It's going to take a lot of positive reinforcement to coax it back to life.
Ash MK asks:
I was in the front row for your gig at Sonisphere back in 2011 and it was a genuine highlight of the weekend seeing your set after Opeth. Are there any other festivals you’d like to play?
Guardian contributor The one I always cite is Glastonbury. On the main stage. With a choir.
kevinredpath asks:
If the stadium sell-out business collapsed and you needed the extra cash, how much would Chris De Burgh have to pay you to be his roadie?
Guardian contributor
Skoolyad typernotfighter asks:
The premise [of a pilot for a sketch show with Sean Lock asked about by Skoolyad] – I seem to recall – was generally about modern life and technology and there was one sketch starring – I believe – Simon Pegg as a guy who fist-pumped to himself every time something inane went right for him: like a lift opening as soon as he pressed the button or the traffic lights turning green the moment he stepped up to them. It was funnier than it sounds ...
Guardian contributor Yes! I'd completely forgotten that but now you mention it... It was great fun. I don't know whatever became of it. That's the thing with television. I don't remember most of it. Until someone posts me a link on YouTube.
I was in Sean's show about television where we re-enacted Brian May playing on top of Buckingham Palace. I was dressed as May and Sean was dressed as the Queen adn they built a set of the roof, he climbed up and thought it would be a laugh to throw a handbag at me but the props department gave him a Victorian clutchbag with big corners and it struck me between the eyes and nearly knocked me out! There was blood pouring down my face and the audience didn't know if this was part of it or not. I remember going to the Moorfield Eye hospital and they asked what was the nature of the incident. I remember going 'Well...' She kept repeating everything I said: 'a handbag?' and everyone in reception was going: oh, domestic...
Being torn apart by badgers? The odds are 142-1
Being torn apart by badgers? The odds are 142-1
ParaffinLamp asks:
Being “torn apart by badgers” what are the odds?
Guardian contributor 142-1. Who's to say that in some post apocalyptic wilderness it's not the cockroaches that survive but the badgers? And after all the violence we've dished out on them who could blame them if they dished out a terrible revenge?
coralpm asks:
I saw you at the Eden Project and later at Sonisphere in 2010 – both excellent gigs. What I would like to know is did you end up eating that giant Kitkat someone gave you at Eden?
Guardian contributor Yes I did. Slowly. It was massive! I had said that what I like to do is get four of the giant kitkats and melt them together and make one giant big one and then you can pretend you have tiny hands. And someone made me one.
Jon Danson asks:
Bill I heard a story from a mate of mine that can’t be true. He says he once saw you and Jack Black at an Iron Maiden concert in Scotland. Weirdest birthday experience ever he said. Can you confirm he’s telling porkies?
Guardian contributor No. But I was at the Monty Python gig with the lead singer of Anthrax.
Storm asks:
Who is your all-time favourite comedian(s) and if they’re not still performing, who is your favourite currently performing comedian? The world is bloody depressing right now and I want more laughter.
Guardian contributor I agree that things are depressing. We need laughter. On the most basic level that's what contribution comedians can make! A comedian that I admired greatly, sadly no longer with us, was BIll Hicks. People seem to focus on his political polemic but he was also very gifted physically and he had funny bones. In a way that a lot of the great comics have this facility. Woody Allen, in his early incarnation as a standup was very funny, a great storyteller. The greatest comics are the ones able to seem effortless and yet touch all manner of human experience. Richard Pryor was another.
Cussutduck asks:
Have you ever used a pen as a pen?
Guardian contributor Yes. This sounds like an absurdist semantic trap. But I'm not falling into that. So no. I've never used a pen as a PEN.
Sigma66 asks:
I’m a 60s/70s Citroen geek; have you been on any long trips in your DS?
Guardian contributor Yes. I drove from a place near Marseille, a little town, through France all the way to Dunkirk and across on a ferry and up to London. That was an epic road trip. WE made so many friends along the way because the DS is such an iconic car it's so recognisable. I thought in France they would be more common. As we were driving in Dijon lots of French families would toot their horns and wave. Lots of kisses blown.
MoreTeaVicar asks:
You can famously play 40 odd musical instruments. How much of your teenage years was spent practising in your bedroom (or elsewhere) to achieve this?
Guardian contributor Quite a long time. Mainly in the downstairs room, which used to be my dad's surgery. He had the surgery in the house, and when it moved out to another premise I had this room with an upright piano and my guitar and I would spend hours practising in there and it's where I really taught myself the guitar.
Brian Blessed would read my eulogy because then anyone in a four-mile radius could hear it
Brian Blessed would read my eulogy because then anyone in a four-mile radius could hear it
Count von Helldorf asks:
Did you get your van back? Richie, Liverpool
Guardian contributor Yes we did. It won't come as any surprise to most people that villains are not always the brightest and they crashed it into a parked car. A very responsible local person called it in. Hurrah.
See more on Bill’s lost tour bus here.
Updated
PieroSerra asks:
Does it irritate you that most young people start putting filler in their sentences from the very beginning with the word ‘So..’?
Guardian contributor
Calvin Shevlin asks:
Where’s your favourite place in the UK ?
Guardian contributor It's very easy to get to North Devon, and I love north Devon. So purely on the strength of that accessibility and the likelihood of me being able to get there I'd say that. But if I have full use of some kind of helicopter or drone at all times then I'd say St Kilda because they are the most extraordinary set of islands, beautiful, wild and inaccessible and that makes them even more attractive. I've been there twice and each time it felt time stood still as I was there, I couldn't tell how long I was there - a day? a week? They are also the biggest gannetry in the world!
My favourite owl is the Eurasian Eagle Owl. This is the owl which we liberated from a restaurant in China
My favourite owl is the Eurasian Eagle Owl. This is the owl which we liberated from a restaurant in China
ID3913158 asks:
If you were to organise your funeral, who would you ask to read the eulogy? All hypothetical...
Guardian contributor Brian Blessed. Because then anyone in a four mile radius would be able to hear it.
bogweasel asks:
Is everything going to be all right?
Guardian contributor Yes. It will be. You just have to make sure that when we get to wherever we're getting, there is enough facilities.
Liam Quane asks:
Hi Mr Bailey! Can I ask; as an actor; what is the best thing a director can do for you on set? :~)
Guardian contributor Usually it's 'do the same again, only a bit quicker. And better.'
BuboBubo asks:
What’s your favourite owl?
Guardian contributor My favourite owls is the Eurasian Eagle Owl. This is the owl which we liberated from a restaurant in China. I'm not saying that specific owl. Actually, it is. It went from being caged in a restaurant, potentially on the menu, to looking at me with such disdain and incredible contempt. How dare you even think you're the boss of me? And then we let it go and it flew off without a look back. Not even a thanks. I loved that. It was wild and angry and not in my world.
Guardian contributor Hello to all the marvellous Guardian webchatters! I am in full chat mode.
Bill Bailey is with us at Guardian towers
Post your questions for Bill Bailey
Appearing a little like a baffled roadie for a prog-rock band, Bill Bailey doesn’t look like your typical arena-filler – but he has become one of the UK’s most beloved standups for his droll blend of music and comedy.
Tours like Dandelion Mind, Qualmpeddler and Tinselworm showed off the comic potential in everything from Alberti bass to Asda, as he turned trivial observations into near-psychedelic insights. He regularly brought this skewed vision to bear on panel shows like QI and Never Mind the Buzzcocks, as well as the role of Manny in the cult sitcom Black Books, plus a sideline in nature documentaries.
He’s now in the middle of his Limboland tour, and is taking up residence at London’s Vaudeville theatre from 10 December. Ahead of the run, he’s joining us to answer your questions in a live webchat on Wednesday 2 December, from 12pm onwards. Post them in the comments below, and he’ll take on as many as possible.
Updated
Thanks for all your wonderful and quite bizarre questions! Expect to see them woven into a routine in a theatre new you...