Best adventure bike: BMW R 1250 GS Rallye TE
This is a very dangerous motorbike.
But, I hear you cry, how that can be so when it has more rider protection features than a local council’s health and safety department?
Because it appeals to one of the most basic, yet potentially disastrous desires in all bikers, that’s why - a desire which can cost them their jobs, their marriages, their bank balance and their slender grip on what passes for normal life.
I’m talking about the yearning when you arrive at work in the morning to just ride past the entrance to the car park and keep on going.
Climb on board the GS, and it’s impossible not to look at the horizon and be overcome by an unstoppable desire to start up, ride there and then keep doing the same for ever. Resistance is futile, as those well known bikers the Borg were always saying in Star Trek.
Every time I ride a GS, I’m reminded of how well it does everything, and the king of the road retains its crown as the machine most likely to tempt you to the horizon and beyond. See you in divorce court.
Most irrelevant bike in the real world (whatever that is): KTM 1290 Super Duke R
In a rational world, a bike like this wouldn’t exist. But then, neither would love, poetry or Italy.
For a start, it’s got more power than 100% of riders will use on the road, and 99% on track. It’s faster than the wind, but with no wind protection. And there’s no place for luggage for longer than a day trip.
Still, if God had wanted life to be normal, he wouldn’t have invented Donald Trump, and although it was completely pointless and impractical, I loved it. The bike, that is, not Donald.
So if you’ve got 15 grand to spare and are on the lookout for the most fun toy since your Action Man Red Devil outfit, look no further.
Biggest surprise: Harley Pan America
Just when you think Harley can’t surprise you any more, it surprises you even more.
I mean, this is a company which from when dinosaurs ruled the earth until the turn of the century had been producing fairly agricultural V-twins.
So you could have knocked me over with a wet lettuce last year when it produced its astonishing electric LiveWire.
And just when I was getting back up again, it comes up with the Pan America adventure bike.
Its 150bhp engine is Harley’s best yet, with oodles of torque from low revs as promised.
In Sport mode, acceleration is satisfyingly aggressive and handling is light and precise, and on the dirt, in spite of being an off-road idiot, the bike wrapped me up in a cuddly safety blanket of happy stability.
An excellent first pop at an adventure bike from Harley, and at 14 grand, surprisingly affordable, too.
Biggest adrenalin rush: Suzuki Hayabusa
When the original 1299cc Hayabusa hyperbike was launched in 1999, a top speed of 194mph made it the fastest production bike on the planet.
Since then, turbocharged versions of the 1340cc 2008 model have reached 312mph.
No pressure, then, for the 2021 version, for which Suzuki has thankfully not only retained that unique shape, but made it even more muscular and svelte.
That fat midrange means you don’t even need to bother changing down for overtakes, and braking is just as brutal but smooth as acceleration.
Previous Hayabusas were always a little slow to turn because of the long wheelbase, and a lighter chassis and tweaked suspension has made this version just as stable, but significantly more nimble in corners.
Even better, with cornering ABS and traction control, the world’s most guided missile is not only better and safer than ever, but at a pretty remarkable price of under 17 grand.
Best middleweight: Aprilia RS 660
As you may remember from my review of the Honda Fireblade, it’s about two inches long and an inch high, and is therefore only suitable to be ridden by molecules rather than humans.
So although I’d normally climb aboard a dinky supersports machine and immediately book an appointment with a physio in anticipation, I was deeply impressed by how comfy and spacious the RS 660 felt.
Handling, thanks to light weight and a relatively short wheelbase, is pinpoint perfect but stable and predictable, and acceleration in Dynamic mode is plain hilarious, zapping past cars without even bothering to change down and powering out of bends drinking in that glorious soundtrack.
So in short, it looks great, goes great, sounds great and leaves you feeling great. Result.
Best retro: Royal Enfield Meteor 350
As I’ve said before to anyone who bothers to listen, mostly the cat, every motorcycle comes with its own fantasy, and on a Royal Enfield, you’re pottering through the Cotswolds on your way home from the airfield for afternoon tea with your fiancée Cynthia, a fragrant English rose who rescues puppies.
The low seat and 191kg weight of the Meteor mean easy handling, and the highish bars and slightly forward pegs relaxed all-day pottering.
Acceleration is surprisingly brisk from only 20bhp, handling is as light as the ghost of a small feather and top speed is a gnat’s whisker over 70mph, so motorway cruising is entirely possible.
It’s a little gem, as gentle, enthusiastic and giving as, well, a woman who rescues puppies. Not to mention astonishing value at under four grand.
Best road trip: North Coast 500
I’ve ridden some great roads in my life, including the Pan-American Highway, Route 66, Highway One around Australia, and most fearsome of all, the M25 in rush hour.
And now to that pantheon of greats, you can add the NC500 in Scotland, a 516-mile loop around Scotland starting and finishing in Inverness.
And no better man to do it with than my biking buddy Peter Murtagh, the witty and erudite former Foreign Editor of the Irish Times.
After a year and a half of being a Covid hermit, what a joy it was to remember that feeling of getting up in the morning, packing your stuff on a motorbike, and heading off up the road, with stunning scenery, friendly locals, lots to see, cosy hotels and great nosh. And maybe a pint or three.
Just don’t do it in high season, when according to locals, up to 500 camper vans a day cause gridlock, especially on the 50 miles in the north west which are single-track with passing places.
Bike of the Year: Suzuki GSX-S1000GT
One of those bikes you love from the word go.
Climb aboard, and the seating position is both comfy and sporty, and remained so over the two-day launch in slightly soggy Scotland.
The quickshifter is a work of genius, handling is point-and-shoot precise, and that brilliant K5 engine, Suzuki’s best ever since it was introduced in 2005, has a delivery of power and torque which is as smooth and creamy as Mullin’s ice cream, all of that adding together to make it the best sports tourer out there at the moment.
Suzuki has often been the bridesmaid of the Japanese Big Four, but it’s now come dancing up the aisle with the GT, so it’s even more of a pleasure to make it my Bike of the Year because it was so unexpected.
