So after the non-event that was last week's non-eviction, we're back.
This week, either Nicky or Gerry will face the booing crowds, snapping paps and fawning brunette. But which one will it be?
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So tonight, it'll either be Nicky, or Gerry. I say Nicky. And how will she be about it? Well, quite mardy, I'm thinking.
Davina's wearing quite the most bizarre outfit I've seen this year so far. Capri length trousers, a straight-from-the-eighties biker jacket and big silver hoop earrings. She looks like a travelling fairground waltzer spinner's dirty teenage girlfriend.
There have been hints that tonight will contain not only an eviction, but, surprise surprise - a twist.
There's going to be a kidnapping, was that? Is that what the announcer said?
Gosh, I wonder if it will somehow result in Charley being exempt from nominations next week. Somehow, I think it magically may.
8.38: We're stuck into the highlights show. The housemates were clearly filmed asking themselves a question they might want to ask themselves several weeks into the show (um?... Yes, no, I've read that over and it makes sense, I think)
Ziggy's prerecorded question - "Do you think she enjoyed it as much as you did, Ziggy?" - causes enormous embarrassment and general squeaking. From the noises, and the resulting fallout of people mumbling, being slightly outraged, we are left convinced that "Chiggy" have been merging more than names, and doing the dance of the horizontal wannabe all over the house. Making the D-list celebrity with two backs. Like bunnies.
I think they've been having sex, basically.
Sorry, I wasn't sure if I was being a bit subtle.
8.48: Someone told me a clever way of telling the twins apart. One of them has a chubbier face, apparently. But I can't right now remember which one. So that doesn't help.
Still, they were having a whinge about someone having nicked their hair serum for a joke. Apparently it's the worst possible thing one human being can do to another.
I'm struggling to remember what it is. Clearly the worst thing a human being could do to herself, not knowing something like that by now...
8.54: People are arguing about stolen teddy bears and hair extensions, which turns into a half hour argument in which the word 'spiteful' is used approximately 2,438 times.
... And I'm lost for words. Literally. There is nothing to say about these stupid, petty conversations and useless, idiot arguments. It's Friday night, I'm knackered and, I'm not scared to say it, grumpy. What else is on. Midsommer Murders, you say?
8.58: "They said I was spaaaatful, and I am not spaatful, and I think the idea of me being spaaatful is very very offensive and that, because I am not spaaaatful and she said I was spaatful and then she agreed with her saying that I was spaaatful yes, and I am NOT spaatful, I have never been spaatful and I never would be spaaaaatful, and if she said that I was spaatful, then ..."
Not spiteful so much as extremely grating, Gerry. Arg.
9.06: Seriously, can someone explain to me exactly what Darling 'Vina's wearing tonight? We've got stiletto heels, aforementioned capris, loose flowing (and VERY lovely shiny) hair, the hoops, the biker jacket, some kind of tighty black vest underneath, and my GOD if she's not having to rush off afterwards to some celebrity Grease Theme-party, there's just no excuse at all.
9.11: So who will it be tonight? Clearly Nicky is more unpopular with the crowd, they made time to make a big 'BOOOO' noise (inbetween shouting 'Get Charley Out', of course) when 'Vina mentioned her name, earlier.
They're trying their hardest to narrow the vote, of course, with lots and lots of footage of Gerry shouting and being an annoying wee snob, while Nicky is shown chatting happily with housemates in the kitchen, garden, living room.
Won't help, I'm sure, but it's nice to see them try.
9.23: In the bedroom, Charley is boasting about - well, everything, really. Mainly that she's been quite reserved and managed not to tell people much about her life, because she's saving it all for her autobiography. She has a very big diary at home, you see, and it's "fucking" interesting, all of it. And that's what she's going to do when she gets out of the house, is see what she can do with that. She thinks people would like to read it. Because she's got really nice handwriting, and everything.
Brilliant.
9.25: Oh, the lines have been closed ... we're having an announcement ... here we go...
Nicky
And just when I discovered how to spell her name correctly after seven weeks, too.
9.27: And there we have it. Nicky, who we thought would go, is going.
I'll be back in half an hour to watch someone being mardy in a chair while undergoing the tortuous nuzzling technique of Davina. Meanwhile - anything to avoid the dreadful 8 Of 10 Cats, especially as this week it's got Pointless Geldof on it.
Bring on next week and the return of the marvellous Star Stories, say I. [Mumble mumble, grump grump]
Back at ten...
10pm: And we're back in the room...
76% of people voted for Nicky to be out, apparently which is a pretty large majority.
We see the house in the interim. Gerry looks relieved, like a moustachioed chipmonk who's just had a wee after a long car journey. Charley, unhappy at someone else having attention for the evening, starts a row. Someone tips a bucket of sheep kidneys over her head. Not really. Just imagining happy imaginings.
10.03: Channel Four subtitles - "Nicky! You have thirty seconds to say Uruguays! I'm coming to get you!"
Nicky leaves the house. The booing is deafening, and she looks crushed.
Why do people do this? Seriously. Why do they go just to make someone feel this lost and sad?
She reaches the bottom of the stairs, looking like she would just like to curl up under a bed and cry.
"Don't worry!" Shouts Davina into her ear/near enough the mike for us to hear, "It's all panto!"
Whether she means the show, or your career from here on in, Nicky, I cannot say for sure. But it's true. It's just that it being true doesn't make it much less sad.
10.17: We're midinterview. It's just dour. I'm quite confused as to why she would ever have wanted to go into Big Brother, or why they ever thought she was going to be any fun as a housemate.
She just has no lightness to her reactions, her actions. She has a sad soul. Like all her innards are concrete loofahs soaked in piss and vinegar.
10.22: Nothing's happening. She's asked various questions. Did she feel happy about the way this was portrayed? No, she wasn't happy. Did she like this person? No, she doesn't like them. And she feels disappointed by that. And miserable about this. And disgruntled about the other. And also about that.
And I'm left here wondering what I misheard when I thought the continuity announcer said there was going to be one eviction and a kidnapping. Hm. There isn't anything else happening tonight, is there?
Hm. Sorry for stringing you along, there.
10.27: "And now Nicky has left and there are only ten housemates left", says Davina (Ten?! TEN!) "... For a bit"
A HA! So there IS something happening.
But not tonight. For now, we simply see the ten (TEN! Jesus) remaining housemates pottering about in their happy little internment camp, as Nicky moves off to her Eight Days of Fame, and we wander off to do anything else ...
Until next week.
Thanks all. And good night.
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