THE ONE HORSEMAN OF THE APOCALYPSE
So, readers – a question: what is the link between this season’s Big Vase, Swedish flat-pack pioneers Ikea and the 2009 German TV movie All You Need is Love – My Daughter-in-Law is a Man? No? All have commissioned theme tunes from German baton-twiddler Michael Kadelbach, with his latest offering set to be premiered before tonight’s games.
“Fans feature prominently,” report Uefa of the new composition, which was unavailable for the Fiver’s critical appraisal this afternoon but we are told features a “catchy, melodic theme” that “provides limitless energy and excitement” and “produces a ‘togetherness’ feeling”, all of which sounds both brilliant if true and extraordinarily unlikely. Anyway, those fans, Uefa continue, “provide the underlying rhythm through the sound of their hands clapping, aiming to provide true consistency between broadcast coverage and the live stadium experience”. Though, if that was really what they were after, they should probably have included a smattering of boos at half-time.
Uefa blowing the trumpet for their own tune (which may or may not feature trumpets, we wouldn’t know, though we wouldn’t be at all surprised) was perhaps a little over-the-top but wasn’t the only unlikely pre-kick-off claim. According to the Google translation of Qarabag’s news story reporting their team’s arrival in London on Wednesday ahead of tonight’s match against Spurs, the Azeri aces’ sojourn got off to an unpleasant start. “After a five-hour flight,” they report, “our team was laid to rest after dinner.”
Crikey. A tragedy, and one that places Tottenham’s own lasagne-gate furore of 2006 in some kind of context. Anyway, Qarabag’s bravehearts having somehow got over that, today Spurs hope they will be put to bed before half-time.
There’s no historical precedent to encourage such confidence, no Azeri club side ever having played a competitive game against an English team (though if you count friendlies 2011’s Barnet 1-0 Qabala doesn’t exactly provoke a lot of optimism for the away side). The ability of English footballers to clinically mastermind the failure of Azerbaijan’s top clubs was proven during Tony Adams’ 18-month spell in the country, during which he led the aforementioned Qabala to a humiliating eighth place in the Premyer Liqasi (as well as that friendly defeat at Barnet).
Qarabag, known as The Horsemen to their friends because of the two horses on their club crest (either that or they have two horses on their club crest because they’re known as the Horsemen, the Fiver can’t be entirely sure) and Qabala are the only Q-commencing teams in European competition this season. If this suggests a surfeit of imaginative Azeri nomenclators evidence to the contrary comes in the shape of the manager, Gurban Gurbanov (literally: Gurban son of Gurban) and midfielder Gara Garayev (literally: Gara who belongs to Gara), even if they no longer boast Muarem Muarem, the Macedonian mainstay of their midfield who moved to Eskisehirspor in Turkey over the summer.
The team’s star is the 26-year-old Brazilian Reynaldo, so good they only named him once, who if Tottenham are to be unexpectedly turned over is most likely to be the one Horseman of their apocalypse.
Elsewhere Celtic take on Ajax in Amsterdam while Liverpool will give Divock Origi his first start when they visit Bordeaux in search of a first win in four. “I don’t think the pressure has increased at all – I just need to concentrate on getting the team right,” blustered Brendan Rodgers as he prepared for kick-off. No need to worry about that, Brendan: whoever you choose –yes, even Mamadou Sakho – is guaranteed to start with limitless energy and a “togetherness” feeling. Uefa have already seen to that.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT
Big Vase is back! Join Paul Doyle for Bordeaux 1-0 Liverpool from 6pm and Spurs 2-1 Qarabag with Simon Burnton from 8pm.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We have to react quickly” – Mikel Arteta calls on Arsenal to do something he hasn’t managed in 18 months in the wake of their defeat in Zagreb.
FIVER LETTERS
“Tim Sherwood only has himself to blame for Villa’s disappearing act last weekend, as it seems his team were merely following his lead” – Tom Mann.
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• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Brendan MacCarron.
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Sid Lowe and co visit the club who are fighting a different kind of battle.
BITS AND BOBS
Manchester United’s revenues have dropped 8.8% due to their Champions League absenzzzzzzz …
But the club will pay Malcolm Glazer’s six children £15m every year!
Roma’s Wojciech Szczesny faces up to six weeks on the sidelines after suffering finger-ligament-twang during Wednesday’s Big Cup match against Barcelona.
Also from Rome: Radja Nainggolan has apologised to the tackle that left Rafinha with cruciate-ouch. “Hi @rafinha, I am really sorry about the bad news. It was not my intention to hurt you,” he sobbed. “I hope to see you on the pitch soon, a big hug.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Georgi Kinkladze and a goal so golden it should be kept in a bank vault – Sachin Nakrani takes a trip to the mid 90s.
Stats, snaps and the Premier League in a flap – it’s our comprehensive review of the week’s Big Cup action.
But don’t rush to judge England’s efforts in Europe this week, writes Paul Wilson.
New to football? Then you’ll want to bone up on the fixture that shaped the Premier League: Manchester United v Southampton.
It’s a dog. It’s a goalkeeper. IT’S A GOALKEEPING DOG! This week’s Classic YouTube is a doozy.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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