67 DAYS LATER
And to think, some people were worried that England wouldn’t be entertaining under Sam Allardyce! How wrong those people were, as this week’s developments just go to show that no one should ever underestimate England’s ability to turn the most banal events into high farce and rival anything served up by the Marx brothers, or even the Neville brothers. For the second time in three months the country that gave football to the world has given the football world a whopping great belly-laugh, this time without even making clowns of themselves on a pitch.
But poor, deflated Sam. With a bit of a whiff but no evidence of corruption produced, all he was really caught doing by the Daily Telegraph was being Big Sam, giving Big Talk, and over Big Drink, to boot. Some might say that being arrogant, headless and alive to legal opportunities to inflate an already huge income makes him the perfect representative of modern English football. But not the FA, which is always up for performing its still-amusing trick of riding around in a big circle while straddling a pair of horses called Panic and Piety.
Even people no longer involved with the FA felt the need to strike a pose. “If you want to be the England manager you have to be whiter than white and I’m afraid what we’ve found out from the Daily Telegraph is that the person who was the current England manager was not whiter than white and I don’t think they’ve had any option [other than] to take the action they [have] done,” declared Greg Dyke, who was FA chairman when England’s governing body threw its weight behind Michel Platini to lead Fifa.
As for Allardyce, today he gave a keynote address pro bono to hacks camped outside his house. The former England manager stressed that he did not go to the ill-fated meeting with undercover journalists with the intention of enriching himself but merely to help out a friend who was hoping to land a job. “On reflection it was a silly thing to do,” said Allardyce free of charge. “I was trying to help someone out I knew for 30 years and unfortunately it was an error in judgment on my behalf. Entrapment has won on this occasion and I have to accept that.”
With Big Sam cut down to size, the FA has solemnly entrusted the England job, on a short-term basis at least, to Gareth Southgate, a manager of questionable ability but seemingly impeccable integrity. There is a clear difference between appearing to be open to make a quick buck out of representing England and, say, appearing in a pizza commercial that makes light of a penalty miss that sickened the nation.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We considered that the delivery of a large crate of Carlsberg which was then distributed among the workers, even though none was shown to be opened and drunk, linked alcohol with a building site. Regardless of the possible further link with potentially dangerous machinery, we considered that a building site would be an unsafe and unwise location in which to consume alcohol” – the Advertising Standards Authority upholds Alcohol Concern’s complaint about this advert starring Stuart Pearce and bans it.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
How they definitely didn’t make Fifa 17.
FIVER LETTERS
“I quite liked the idea of Sam Allardyce as England manager. I thought he might be brave enough to follow his own vision, find his 11 and set his stall out. Not for a second did I think he was a particularly nice guy, but then I rather suspect many of the players are not particularly nice people. I was hopeful he could drag England to respectability in the World Cup, nothing more. That said, if his judgment was so poor he ran his mouth off to people he’d never met, likely best we don’t let him try to outwit the world’s best managers at the next World Cup. Still, chins up, David Moyes will be free soon” – Marten Allen.
“I was pretty sure that at some point, the new England manager was going to make Mr Roy seem a success in comparison, I just didn’t know it would happen after only one game. Say what you want about Mr Roy, but the man had integrity” – Dan Makeham.
“Say what you like about Allardyce, but not many England managers can say they retired with a 100% win record” – Patrick O’Brien (and 1,056 others).
“Watching the NFL highlights this weekend, I noticed that Kenjon Barner of the Philadelphia Eagles is obviously a fan of MLS – why else would he have stolen Robbie Keane’s celebration? Skip to 3m24s to see the touchdown and celebration” – Dan Wardle.
“To clarify matters for Matt Harding and Adrian Zambardino (Fiver letters passim), the snap>gah>twang>tweak>ouch hierarchy typically refers to knack of a specific nature (leg-snap; hamstring-twang, etc), whereas the past-tense verbal form can be applied more liberally, to anything of an injurious nature – such as the current status of a playing or managerial career. I believe the order goes banjaxed>jiggered>crocked. Obvious examples being Harry Kane’s jiggered ankle (a few weeks out) and Sam Allardyce’s banjaxed international career (I assume)” – Michael Hatcher (eyes temporarily jiggered by the main image accompanying yesterday’s Fiver).
“Will this much-discussed hierarchy of knack verbiage now include a term for a terminal case of managerial foot-in-mouth: Samstung, maybe, or Allardyced?” – Justin Kavanagh.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Michael Hatcher, who wins a copy of Nige Tassell’s excellent book, The Bottom Corner, courtesy of the kind people at Penguin.
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BITS AND BOBS
All aboard the Do One Express! Nigel Pearson is due to be sacked as Derby manager after a full and frank chat with owner and ostrich Mel Morris led to him being suspended. “That was Nigel’s team and I dedicate that win to Nigel,” cooed his assistant Chris Powell after their 2-0 victory at Cardiff.
Swansea City’s American owners are flying in to watch the home defeat to Liverpool on Saturday in what’s likely to be Francesco Guidolin’s last game in charge.
League Two basement dwellers Newport County have given Warren Feeney the boot. “Following a mixed start to the season the board of directors feel a change is necessary,” sniffed a club statement.
West Ham are investigating claims that Andy Carroll and Darren Randolph were drunk on Tuesday afternoon after a club-sanctioned night out on Monday.
Big Cup enthusiasts Leicester City are basking in their second win from two games, a 1-0 home success against Porto. “Now it’s important to clean our minds and go back to the Premier League,” cheered Claudio Ranieri.
Tottenham’s Son Heung-min, who scored the only goal of their Big Cup win at CSKA Moscow, can’t get South Korea’s Olympic failure out of his head. “I was really down, because I played for my country and I wanted to get some medals for my country,” he tooted, before a lurking press officer stopped him answering whether said failure means an impending 21-month spell of military service.
And Scotland have recalled Shaun Maloney for their World Cup qualifiers against Lithuania and Slovakia. “He has professionalism, ability, intellect, willingness to play for Scotland. So he’s got all these traits that we want along here,” cheered Wee Gordon Strachan. Full squad: Gordon (Queen’s Celtic), Hamilton (Hearts), Marshall (Cardiff); Berra (Ipswich), Greer (Blackeye Rovers), Hanley (Newcastle), Hutton (Aston Villa), R Martin (Norwich), Paterson (Hearts), Robertson (Hull), Tierney (Queen’s Celtic), Wallace (Pope’s Newc O’Rangers); Anya (Watford), Bannan (Sheff Wed), Burke (RB Leipzig), D Fletcher (West Brom), Forrest (Queen’s Celtic), McFiver (Fiver Towers), McArthur (Crystal Palace), McGinn (Hibernian), McKay (Pope’s Newc O’Rangers), Maloney (Hull), Morrison (West Brom), Ritchie (Newcastle), Snodgrass (Hull); S Fletcher (Sheff Wed), Griffiths (Queen’s Celtic), C Martin (Derby), Naismith (Norwich).
STILL WANT MORE?
The tragic tale of Chemie Halle. By Craig McCracken.
Greedy? Yes. Arrogant? Most certainly. But did Sam Allardyce really deserve his P45? Daniel Taylor provides the forensic analysis.
“One of the good ones.” So said Big Sam about his Mr 15% Mark Curtis once upon a time. Ed Aarons has the skinny on Curtis and his catalogue of controversies. And Owen Gibson poses the question … should we really be surprised he’s gone so soon? Plus, we’ve also got a quiz on England managers.
It was obscured by Sam and his pint of wine but there was actually some Big Cup action on Tuesday night. And Paul Wilson reckons Leicester are passing their Big Cup audition with flying colours.
Here’s Ewan Murray on Brendan Rogers unnecessarily piling the pressure on his goalkeeper Craig Gordon before facing Manchester City. It includes this zinger: “I’ve been really disappointed twice in my career when I’ve lost players. One was Luis Suárez at Liverpool and the first one was Dorus de Vries at Swansea.”
A third place play-off in the FA Cup, tankards with dents in, top-flight top scorers without hat-tricks and international half-century tridents … it’s a bumper edition of The Knowledge.
And read all about life as a US professional in Azerbaijan and the Faroe Islands here.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
