MERSEYSLIDE
Life comes at you fast. Certainly faster than an attack from one of the Premier League’s most ponderous and pedestrian teams. Less than five months ago, Everton’s manager Ronald Koeman was telling people how he’d turned down the opportunity to manage the Dutch national team and putting on a masterclass of faux modesty as he coyly didn’t quite dismiss speculation with the soon-to-be-vacant Barcelona hot seat. “In football, as in life, as in business, everything can be talked about and discussed,” he said, shortly after pointing out that his Everton gig was “a very powerful and exciting project and we will reinforce our best to try to reach next season’s [Big Cup]”.
Big Cup? Oh, Ronald. Having seen his Everton side get torn apart by Arsenal on Sunday, continuing the club’s disastrous run Koeman will be painfully aware that one of many things being talked about and discussed on Planet Football today is another managerial position that has just come up for grabs – the one he’s just been sacked from. “Everton Football Club can confirm that Ronald Koeman has left the club,” read a club statement issued moments after the original, now even more useless than usual draft of today’s Fiver had already been written. “Chairman Bill Kenwright, the board of directors and major shareholders would all like to express their gratitude to Ronald,” it droned, mentioning Koeman’s 16 months of service and last season’s seventh-place finish, but failing to touch on a £150m summer spending spree and a doomed Captain Ahab-like pursuit of Olivier Giroud that has left Everton 18th in the table with nothing resembling a pacy striker, less than one point per game played and more overpriced midfielders than they know what to do with in a midfield that was – irony of irony – completely overrun yesterday.
“I still believe I can change the whole situation but everybody knows how it works in football,” sniffed Koeman in the wake of the gubbing, using words that may well have made his employers’ decision that little bit easier. So what now for the more crisis-stricken of Merseyside’s two Premier League clubs? The bookies have installed David Unsworth, the Everton under-23 coach who has never been linked with either Barcelona or Holland, as favourite to take over from Koeman, with David Moyes just behind him in the betting, suggesting there is rather a retro vibe going on in the Everton boardroom. With Duncan Ferguson already on the coaching staff and Wayne Rooney back at his boyhood club, it remains to be seen whether or not positions can be found for Danny Cadamarteri, Li Tie or Thomas Gravesen.
Meanwhile, on the other side of Stanley Park, Liverpool have too many problems of their own to bask in the misery of their neighbours. Well beaten by Tottenham yesterday at Wembley in a match where Dejan Lovren was forced to endure the professional humiliation of being replaced after 31 minutes, the club are suffering no end of assorted little mini-crises in a back four or five boasting more holes than the goal net they’re supposed to be defending. Pulling off the impressive feat of saying Lovren was not solely to blame while tacitly suggesting the exact opposite during and after the game, Jürgen Klopp claimed that even he, aged 50 and wearing trainers, would not have made the kind of mistake that led to Tottenham’s opener. We can only assume he is wearing some other kind of footwear each time he picks a defence comprised largely of the same players whose myriad shortcomings were not good enough to keep the German’s predecessor in a job.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I must be truthful, I watched the Scotland [qualifying] games and not the England games because there was nothing on the England games. Those last two Scotland games, the win against Slovakia, the late goal, I kicked every ball that day. Then I thought Scotland had a chance, and then 1-0 up in the second game [against Slovenia], it would’ve been a real great achievement to have qualified, but I think [Wee] Gordon did what he could. It’s a difficult job. I wouldn’t see myself having any chance of getting it, but it would be a great job for someone” – look out Scotland, ‘Arry McRedkneepps isn’t saying he wouldn’t take the job.
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FIVER LETTERS
“I read with much humour about Javier Mascherano and the Argentinian witch-doctor [Friday’s Fiver … but much humour? – Fiver Ed] until I recalled the case of the Australia team in the lead up to the 1970 World Cup, who hired a witch-doctor to curse their opponents in the then-named Rhodesia. The curse backfired when the team couldn’t pay the witch-doctor in the wake of their 3-1 victory, and proceeded to fail to qualify for the next 32 years. The Socceroos eventually qualified for the 2006 World Cup, but only after a second witch-doctor was hired to lift the curse. Since the curse was lifted, Australia have qualified for each successive World Cup, although next year’s tournament is still in the balance” – Chris White.
“Everyone knows that The Fiver is a right piece of work, but Friday’s desperate come-and-get-me plea to Aardman to replace the late, great Peter Sallis as the voice of Wallace must be classed as a new low” – Jim Hearson
“Djimi Traoré says Liverpool can’t win a trophy with that defence. Big Cup winner Djimi Traoré! Pots, kettle and all that” – Noble Francis
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Chris White.
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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
The wee ned with a gait that made Liam Gallagher look like Rudolf Nureyev who attempted to boot Kylian Mbappé up the hole has cost the Queen’s Celtic a £9,000 fine, their 12th Uefa slap on the wrist in six years.
And while we’re on the subject of Mbappé, the PSG tyro has won the Golden Boy gong for ripping up Ligue Urrrrrn and Big Cup last season before sacking off Monaco.
Authorities are investigating a riot that seriously injured three people and forced police to detain 120 others following Club Brugge’s 1-0 win against Antwerp.
England’s Under-17 World Cup semi-final defeat by Brazil has been moved from Guwahati to Kolkata after the Gandhi Athletic Stadium pitch remained waterlogged despite a helicopter hovering over it for 45 minutes in a novel attempt to dry it out. “Brazil weren’t willing to play on this pitch,” sniffed an Assam FA suit.
And Puerto Montt midfielder Juan Pablo Abarzúa has shown his gratitude to the solitary fan who made the 3,000km round trip to roar them on to a 2-1 win over Coquimbo Unido in the Chilean second division. “This triumph is for you, thank you for trusting us and following us here no matter what. You left everything for your team!” he cheered.
THE RECAP
Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it says here. Seems to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …
STILL WANT MORE?
Crouchy’s having his nachos! Why? Because the 78-year-old is Stoke’s top scorer and has made an appearance in our Premier League 10 talking points blog.
Leonardo Bonucci’s transfer to Milan has been about as successful as Weird Uncle Fiver’s move into risk management, is the general gist of Paolo Bandini’s Serie A wrap.
Selfish Neymar and his arrogant PSG team-mates were given a lesson in Marseille, so say Adam White and Eric Devin, who perhaps had to polish their toe-caps before this week’s French football roundup.
The Bundesliga title race is opening up into a three-way dust-up after Dortmund were pegged back at Eintracht Frankfurt, writes Andy Brassell-impersonator Ben Fisher.
“Valencia’s players were hungry. It was two years since they’d had a decent run of results and it felt almost as long since they’d had a decent meal.” Sid Lowe invites you to devour his weekly take on La Liga with a lip-licking intro.
Floating football brain in a jar Jonathan Wilson reckons Spurs boss Mauricio Pochettino didn’t just tear Liverpool apart on Sunday, he also exposed the folly of José Mourinho’s bus-parking exercise during Manchester United’s recent visit to Anfield.
And if Ipswich had anything resembling discernible style they might have been able to end their nine-game losing run against East Anglian rivals Norwich. But they don’t, writes Nick Ames.
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